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An Open Letter to Nathan Fillion PDF Print E-mail
Written by Matt, on 26-02-2007 01:23

fillion-letter1.jpgDear Mr. Fillion,

I am a fan, but more than that I am a concerned fan. What am I concerned about, you ask? Very good question. You're paying attention, I like that.

Anywho, I'm worried about your security. As you have probably already realized, many of your fans are fucking crazy. Let's examine what I mean by the word "crazy", shall we? We shall...

- If they bring you an 8x10 photo of you and them, but they've never met you before (meaning they have photoshop'd themselves into a picture of you) --- they're crazy.

- If they make up mySpace pages dedicated to you, even though mySpace pages aren't called "other people's space" pages --- they're crazy.

- When they talk to you and end every sentence with "my captain" --- they're crazy.

- If they tell you they'd become prostitutes like Inara if it meant they could get you --- they're crazy.

- If somehow your laundry is folded on your bed every morning and you don't have a maid, it's probably one of them and --- they're crazy.

- They will tell you "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place" was the greatest sitcom ever. Don't listen to them --- they're crazy.

fillion-letter2.jpg- If they ask you if they can raffle off your underwear for "charity" and then you find out the "charity" didn't exist --- they're crazy.

- "White Noise 2" was NOT "critically acclaimed" --- they're crazy.

- If they give you a teddy bear in a browncoats costume, say "thank you" and then have it checked for microphones --- they're crazy.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Mr. Fillion, is that a large percentage of your fans are as nutty as my shit after an all-night binge of cashews. Please learn from this letter. Keep to the daylight, bring a security guard and hold mace in your right hand at all times. I also suggest ear plugs, 'cause they can scream a lot.

Protect your penis. I suggest a small, vicious animal that you can stick down your pants and that you can train to not bite off said protected area. Maybe a ferret or a grumpy midget. I don't know, try different ones out.

I hope you heed my words, sir. Please be careful. We sane fans hope you'll be okay.

// PRINT // EMAIL //

Users' Comments (12) RSS feed comment
Posted by Jennifer, on 04-03-2007 13:14, IP, Guest
1. ...
Sadly,but basically...yes... :cry
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Posted by Nora, on 01-03-2007 18:33, IP, Registered
2. ...
Jennifer, are you saying that Matt wants to be Nathans' "grumpy midget?" :x
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Posted by Jennifer, on 01-03-2007 09:46, IP, Guest
3. ...
No, Matt probably wrote it because he has lost his mind. That's what a lack of sex will do for you. And he's fantasizing about Nathan. By writing the letter he thinks he's gonna get in good with him...and his penis. :grin
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Posted by Aeryn, on 28-02-2007 23:36, IP, Registered
4. ...
Matt probably wrote the letter not because he knew Nathan was groped, but because the letter is true...... and being Matt..... he has always been one to point of the crazyness and when fans go to far in an obessession. This is something that I have often respected in him
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Posted by scoobysnacks, on 26-02-2007 20:41, IP, Guest
5. ...
Nathan, dude... 
Beware of those grumpy homoerotic midgets! I have seen Lord of the Rings, and they like taters! Yes, taters is a euphemism for penis. Ofcourse if you stick a vicious ferret down your pants, people will compare you to Richard Gere. Try a chastity belt. Protect your penis! :eek
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Posted by Tonya, on 26-02-2007 16:11, IP, Guest
6. ...
I was wondering what prompted you to write that letter Matt, i.e. did you know Nathan was groped at the Backup Flan in Burbank? - and did you actually send it to Nathan via his MySpace? 
I fear that his continued exposure to the crazy element will result in him not wanting to participate in the Browncoat Cruise, scheduling conflict or not. I can see that being a legitimate concern, being trapped on a boat for most of 5 days, though I'm sure there will be security of some sort around.
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Posted by Nora, on 26-02-2007 15:11, IP, Registered
7. ...
I find JM fans far less offensive. At least they can and usually do admit when JM has done a shitty movie or TV show. The JM fans I know don't feel the need to worship every piece of shit the man has done and proclaim it "the best EVER!" Whereas the NF fans I know scare the shit out of me.
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Posted by gossi, on 26-02-2007 14:49, IP, Guest
8. ...
Well, technically Lost is down a two digit figure sum of it's audience in the last 12 months. Although Fillion ain't savin' nobody. 
Somebody should write one of these to James Marsters.
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Posted by Aeryn, on 26-02-2007 13:59, IP, Guest
9. ...
Thank you Matt for writing that letter! 
I was just thinking how these fans sucked for ruining my love for the fandom
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Posted by fiat, on 26-02-2007 12:34, IP, Guest
10. ...
Dude, if they ask for your underwear AT ALL, they are crazy. While we're at it, let's add any article of clothing to that list.
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