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5 by 5: Buffy's Boyfriends PDF Print E-mail
Written by Matt, on 02-05-2008 11:00

If you are any sort of fan of Buffy, you know the ol' girl hasn't had the best track record with the males. One could draw the conclusion that it's all her fault due to her decisions, but let's not jump down her throat just yet. Let's take a look at the boys that she chose and what happened to end those relationships.

5by5-4.jpg#1 - ANGEL

That nasty Irish bugger Liam rampaged half the entire world until he gained a pesky soul that he didn't want when those damn gypsies snuck one in him. After that he was all puppies and fairy tales....and I guess he wanted that fairy tale with the girl who was supposed to be his arch-nemesis....the slayer herself. It would be a beautiful story if he wasn't an over 250 year old creature of evil and she wasn't....well...16.

To say this one didn't end well would be about as silly as me saying John McCain is young and energetic. It's just not going to fly. You all know the story -- they had sex, he went evil, Buffy killed him, he came back, they got back together, then he left for Los Angeles because he felt he couldn't give her a "normal life". Good thing he left, 'cause she REALLY had a normal life afterwards.

PROS: He could get you rascals some beer. Likes those moving pictures.

CONS: Besides being a gigantic pedo? No, I think that one is a big enough con.

Click Read More to check out the rest of the list.....



Buffy wasn't even over Angel yet when Scott came into the picture. This was mainly due to Willow and others basically forcing him down her throat. He had little personality, he wasn't particularly funny, and he dressed like a douchebag. To say he wasn't the catch of the century would be giving the boy a lot of credit.

He dumped Buffy right before Homecoming because he craved her attention and she couldn't give it to him --- ya know, being the defender of the world and all. What a crybaby.

PROS: He liked Buster Keaton. That's about it.

CONS: Hung out with unsavoury people. Dressed like a douchebag. I think I'm forgetting something....oh right....He actually liked guys.


5by5-3.jpg #3 - PARKER ABRAMS

This may have been the biggest tool Buffy ever dated...and she dated Scott Hope. Parker was a slimey college prick that everyone knew was a prick, including Buffy (even though that wasn't shown, the girl can't be *that* stupid), and yet she allowed him to get into her superhero shorts. It's as appalling now as it was then. I always pick this moment to say, "She let THAT guy sleep with her, and Xander still can't get any of it?" It's a crime, I tell ya.

It ended when she slept with him. He put on the moves, then gave her the "this is college, we're all just here to screw" speech. It was more kindly worded than that, but pretty much the same if you get rid of the bullshit nice-talk.

PROS: His face is a good punching bag. She at least got to knock him out when she went Cave-Buffy. And Riley did probably the only cool thing he ever did in his life when he put Parker on the floor.

CONS: The una-brow. Also - he was a dickhead.

5by5-2.jpg#4 - RILEY FINN

Oh, the man who gets all the hate and rarely any of the love. Sure, he was a giant turd. Sure, he had absolutely no charisma and was two-dimensional. Sure, he jumped to conclusions and could be a jack ass at times. I really don't know where I'm going with this. It seems like there should be a "but", but I'm not getting there. Wait, there was a but.

Riley was hiding a secret that he was this underworld soldier for the government, which sounds WAY COOLER than it actually was. He broke up with Buffy due to his ego couldn't handle that she was stronger than him and he had low self esteem. He ended up in Central America, fighting demons and getting married to a girl who seemed about as wooden as him....so I guess it all worked out in the end.

PROS: You could probably hang your jacket on him and it would be like he wasn't even in the room.

CONS: What about Riley isn't a con, really?

5by5-5.jpg#5 - SPIKE

Ah, finally we get to William The Bloody. Everybody's favorite dirtbag in a duster. But Spike was more than that. He had "depth" to him. He was all rough and tough on the outside, but all about feelings and love on the inside....right? Ugh...

Spike got obsessed with Buffy after a couple years of trying to kill her. Might as well fall in love with her seeing as though he couldn't finish the job, ya know. Since the Riley project never worked, they had to try something different (which was close to the same as Angel, since that worked before) and this is what we got....and kept getting....and never stopped getting....until the end of time. Anyway, Spike ends up with a soul that he won in Africa, saves the world, becomes a ghost or whatever and starts working with Angel on the other show....oh....and then re-corporealizes and saves the world again. He's very up with saving the world.

PROS: Likes The Ramones. Always good for a drinking game or two. If you need peroxide, chances are he has a bottle somewhere close.

CONS: Seems to be into rape and torture. Also, the black fingernail polish. Come on man, it's not 1994 anymore.

What have we learned today? Buffy isn't very good with her choices. In my opinion, I don't believe she's dated a single decent guy in the bunch. Maybe she should go the way of Willow....well....if you read the comics....nevermind.....that's for another entry at another time.

So what's your opinion on these guys?

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Users' Comments (3) RSS feed comment
Posted by jack90, on 04-11-2013 08:02, IP, Registered
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Posted by Ramones, on 02-05-2008 23:56, IP, Registered
2. Oh my poohbah
You know I love you and thus the given but let's look at the facts who was there for the Buffy through the bad, the dead and the bot? I have to say and yes it is because more than the fact he loves the Ramones. (happy camper points for you Gabba Gabba Hey) Spike my choice. He has been the stalwart. Okay blah de blah he is a bad boy AR as well as Angel SR. but let's face the facts in my delusional mind he loves this woman without hope of return. I give you season 7 episode touched. She is one hell woman and I believe this is the first time Buffy is valued for Buffy. It is Spike the stalward
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Posted by Nora, on 02-05-2008 14:37, IP, Registered
3. I like this
The main reason I like this is because you didnt say "Buffy loved Spike!" :grin :grin  
Hey man, Scotty was a sensitive guy! I bet he made a mean quiche!
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