What better way to pass time on an otherwise uneventful Friday morning than to remember the fun times of a pop culture 80s Western film compared to the evil happenings of a demented vampire organization from a canceled WB television series? What better? That’s right. No better. Today, on a very emotional installment of The Locker Room, The Regulators meet their doppelgangers from The Order of Aurelius for the very first time.

Before we begin, though, we should ask the question brewing within our minds as we type: Is it possible that Joss Whedon used the Young Guns movies as a basis for which he designed the villainous Order of Aurelius? Likely not. But if he did, it wouldn’t be too far fetched an idea to suggest or explore. After all, into each film is born a Doppelganger for the cast of Whedon creations. Why is this so? We don’t know. We just recognize it and exploit whenever possible to help pass time. So consider these matched pairs between two classic character groups as a beginning, of sorts. A beginning of a walk into a horrendous world populated by twins… twins, who… unlike real twins… might be related in some way.

Granted, most pairings here won’t technically be Regulators nor official members of the Order of Aurelius… but since I don’t give a crap, we’re doing this anyway. Blame the Poobah. He inspired me to write this while we drank whiskey last night and played strip poker online. How do you play strip poker online, you ask? Well, a video camera and lots of dice rolling does the trick. But that’s a story for another time. A happier time, if you will. A time, which… unlike today… won’t ever be mentioned again.

But just by looking at these two, one can see the amazing similarities. First consider the shapes of both characters heads. Both look like eggs; a trait commonly found among leaders to classic gangs. Consider Eggo McEggy of the famous Castello crime family. Is it possible that Valorum and the Master could have been portrayed by the same actor? Possible, yes. Likely, however… the answer is no.

To go farther into this alternate dimension, consider Luke, the vampire who never morphs his face to look normal, who is paired with Charlie Sheen’s Dick (I just love saying that) for more reasons than one. Both of these characters are featured predominately at their master’s side throughout the course of their lives. They both die quickly and neither are missed once they’re gone. And while Sheen’s Dick may have included one of the worst Southern accents in Western cinema history, Luke on the other hand suffered from a speech impediment due to the placing of his fanged makeup. Never easy on the ears, these two take trophies in the category of annoying yet loyal. And that makes them special… in more ways than one.

Perhaps the easiest pairing between these two cultures would be Drusilla matched with her doppelganger in Lou Diamond Phillips’ portrayal of the often times drugged-up Chavez. Looking for similarities? Aside from both being extraordinarily beautiful women, everything these two characters say to their friends is quite frankly hard to decipher or understand. Whether Chavez is referring to someone turning into a coyote or Drusilla is lounging about while singing about fish burning in a sea… these two are certainly the black sheep of their otherwise vocally-sound outlaw organizations. But don’t give up hope on their IQ, for what they lack in vocabulary they more than make up for with devout belief in their otherwise heathen and blasphemous religions. Sure, they will go to hell for being anything but true to the Christian way of life. But that doesn’t mean we can’t fantasize about them in string bikinis bringing us vodka while we lounge soundly in our beautiful tropic paradise.

While many might believe Spike should be paired opposite Kiefer’s poet character due to the obvious similarities of dress and hobbies… the real pairing here can only be made with Darla, my personal favorite vampire vixen to ever grace the screen. Why? For starters, their names both start with the letter “D.” Secondly, they both have blonde hair. And third, and perhaps most important… they can’t seem to keep their love lives out of their criminal ones. Whether Doc is selling his friends short for a hot Asian girl (my kinda dude), or Darla is jeopardizing her rank by turning a hopeless drunk into her boytoy (my kinda girl)… these two have it bad for the lust over the action. Consider also that they are bonafide breeders. That’s right… they both are with child. But perhaps the most important similarity between these characters would be in the form of selfless sacrifice. Both Doc and Darla seem to suffer from the same disease when it comes to sacrificing themselves to save those around them. Sadly, in both cases, not much comes from these sacrifices other than dark times and a tragic end for their friends. But it’s the thought that counts.

Well… tell that to Charlie Bower or Cordelia Chase.

When it comes to young blood in these otherwise young but not too young crowds, there is none younger than Penn nor his alter-ego from the Young Guns films Tommy (aka “The Prince of PENNsylvania”). These are the characters who seem to pop up to remind our protagonists that bringing along younger people can be fun as they remind us constantly that we are old… until they either get out of control or up and die on us. Then we are left with moral dilemmas and sad music montages. But frankly, neither will be missed that much. Chances are most of you don’t even remember these two. And therefore there’s no reason for me to either. Moving on…

Nope… Spike didn’t get paired with Billy. Didn’t happen. Why? What could possibly have gone wrong? Well… while Spike may have had a rebellious attitude within him during his days of wrecking havoc, it’s not the clever nor leader-worthy kind that Billy the Kid possessed. Instead, it’s more of the variety that Christian Slater brings to the Young Guns franchise. Spike, being the boastful and often wreckless leader-wannabe that he is becomes a perfect match for Christian’s Arkansas Dave. The two enjoy playing dirty, enjoy getting their names in the papers, and quite frankly enjoy one-upping their partners in crime every chance that they get. More importantly, they seem to act first and think later. They speak their minds freely… often getting them into trouble. And finally… they both have great hair and never live to see themselves grow bald.

To sum up the original gang brings us to Angel/Angelus sitting aside his counterpart Pat Garrett. These two are most similar due to the fact that they have no problem leaving their criminal pasts behind to pursue the noble, law-way which is far less traveled. Not only do they end up battling their former friends, but they make allies out of their former enemies. And aside from that, they both seem to like cutting off their funky hair when they go good guy on us. Whether it’s Pat shooting Billy in the back… or Angel stabbing Darla in the chest… these two have serious issues when it comes to the word “loyal to the past.”

But as for Billy…

None can quite compare to the brilliance of character design, the overall depth of emotion, the amazing skill of the gab given to a character like Holden Webster… than Emilio Estevez in his portrayal of Billy the Kid. Quick to laugh in the face of fear, quick to draw arms in the face of peace, and quick to trick the enemy with a mind game or two… these guys have it made in the area of having fun in the name of breaking laws. Sadly… both die on us before they truly reach their peak. But both are also perhaps the best in their class. That class? The right class. And that's all you need to know.

So as you can see, while not perfect, the doppelgangers exist everywhere, in every facet of media we attempt to pretend has nothing to do with anything other than what it is. And if it isn’t what it is, that must mean it’s something that it’s not. And that something could very well be… a doppelganger. Unless it's your twin.

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