The Harvest [Buffy Episode 1.2]

Previously: Giles sniveled, Cordelia snarked, and Fonzie dusted! What could possibly top that?

Back in the crypt again. Luke ducks down to bite Buffy, but the cross that Percy gave her earlier. Wait, so it wouldn’t have burned him when he grabbed her by the throat earlier? Hm. He’s like ‘Ah! Shit!’ and Buffy kicks him off of her. She runs outside to Xander, Jesse, and Willow, who are about to get their asses handed to them by Ritchie, Potsie, Ralph Malph, and Mr. C. Especially Willow, who is on the ground screaming, in the clutches of Ralph Malph. Buffy calls out, and Ralph looks up, and gets kicked right in the face. Ouch. He runs away, and tells Buffy to ‘sit on it’. Ritchie and Potsie are dragging away Xander. Willow calls out his name, and the two think it’s the Fonz and look up. Buffy takes this opportunity to punch Potsie in the face and kick Ritchie. Yikes. Buffy breaks off a tree branch and plunges it into Potsie’s chest as he tries to get up. Ok, I just can’t believe a tree branch would be strong enough to plunge through flesh, but, eh. Buffy rushes over to Xander, and asks if he’s seen Jesse. You mean, when he was being dragged away by two vicious bloodsuckers? I don’t think so. But somehow, he managed to see Jesse being taken away by Darla. Buffy looks around and whisper’s Jesse’s name. I don’t think he can hear you.

Credits. No Eric Balfour. Pity.

The room formerly known as library. A globe is spinning. GHOST! No. It’s Giles, and he’s in British lecture mode. Giles expositions about vampires, demons, and forces of darkness. Oh my! Nothing that we don’t already know from the unnecessary intro to every episode. Xander is amazed that they are talking about vampires. Willow wonders if that’s what they saw the night before. Buffy denies it, saying that they have bad acne and stuff. Uh, Buffy, I think they already know. Xander asks if vampires are demons, and Giles expositions some more about how they technically are. Dude, I know this is the first episode, but pass on the exposition stick, please.

The lair of scary candles. Darla and Luke shove Jesse into the lair, and introduce him as the offering. The Master is pissed, and says that Darla tasted him. WTF. Seriously. The Master bitches at Darla and grabs her by the throat. Darla stutters that a girl fought them and took their other offering. The Master guesses that it’s a slayer. Good guess.

The library of exposition-that-we-have-already-been-over. Giles is like a fucking machine, seriously. I guess the babbling incoherently is a watcher thing. Willow is weak, and wants to pass out. So, you would pass out when you hear about vampires and not when they are attacking you? Ok, just checking. Willow wants to call the cops, but Giles shoots her down, saying that the wouldn’t believe them. Buffy says that they would only come with guns, and that’s not what they need. Giles asks if they have any idea where Darla took Jesse. Buffy says that the could just ‘voom’, which Xander misunderstands as they can fly, but Buffy retorts that they can drive. ‘Vroom’. Giles thinks that they may have gone underground. Buffy agrees, but didn’t see any sewer access. Xander reminds them that there is an electrical tunnel that goes under the whole town. Giles wants to be all old and unhip and get the sewer plans from the building commission, but Willow has another plan.

Guarida de las velas asustadizas. The Master is still pissed about the slayer being in town. He wants proof. Luke says that she fought him, and still lives. The Master tells him that it’s happened before. Luke:” 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping.“. With whom? The Master says that if she really is the slayer, then she will try to save Jesse. Uh, you obviously don’t know Buffy that well. Luke tells Jesse that he has been upgraded to bait. Jesse is thrilled.

Library. Where the books live. Willow pulls up the city plans on the computer, and points out that the tunnel runs under the graveyard. Yes, a wonderful place to burrow through ground…wait, what? Giles is confused at how exactly Willow came upon these plans. Willow babbles that she decoded the hoobiewhatsit wand transmitted it to the x34 version of the delta megatron 39 and a half z model chip, and I lost her. Buffy sighs and says that it’s useless. Giles says that she’s being hard on herself. Buffy hates on herself some more and flashes back to the graveyard, where she got her ass kicked. Suddenly, she realizes that Luke came out from behind her, and says that she’s ‘so mentally challenged’. Buffy, judging by some of the people that are sitting in this library with me, you are pretty well off. Xander is ready to saddle up. Giles looks about ready to accept his offer, but Buffy shoots him down, saying that she’s going to be doing all of the dirty work, and they need to sit down and shut up. Xander feels inadequate. Aw. Giles wants help doing research, and he doesn’t know how to use ‘that dread machine’ (i.e. computer). Everyone just stares at him like he has a ferret attached to his face. He says that was a bit ‘British’. Yes. As if your accent didn’t give it away, silly. Buffy leaves, and Giles stops her and tells her to be careful. She gives him a look and leaves.

Buffy is walking fast toward that gate to the street. Wait, why didn’t she just go out the front of the school, which is gateless, and way closer to the library than the back gate. Whatever. Once I’ve memorized the Sunnydale high floor plan, that’s when I’ve crossed the line from ‘obsessed’ to ‘out of my fucking mind’. Sad. Flutie stops her and asks her just where the heck she thinks she’s going, missy? Buffy tells him that Mr. Giles sent her to go get a book. He closes that gate and says “Well, maybe that’s how they do things in *Britain*, they’ve got that royal family and all kinds of problems,” Hee. I love ol’ Flutie. He says that the Buffy Summers he wants at his school is ‘a good solid girl with her feet on the ground’. He leaves, and guess what she does. Jumps over the fence. Only she doesn’t really jump..she more ‘flies’. It’s an odd camera angle.

Willow and Xander are walking down the hall. Talking about all kinds of paranormal stuff they probably shouldn’t be a bit too loudly in a public place. Bah, this is a boring scene. Basically, they are talking about researching stuff, and Willow doesn’t want Xander getting hurt. 10-4.

Mausoleum of skeleton in the coffin-ness. Buffy walks in and has a look around. She sees a locked door, and picks up the lock. Percy is waiting to exhale behind her. Oh, she noticed him. She asks if Percy has a key. No, Percy likes kicking down doors, Buffy. She tells him that if he’s going to keep showing up, she might as well know his name. His name is Angel. SURPRISE! Not really. Buffy comments that it’s a pretty name. I agree. For a girl. She turns the tunnel entrance. Angel tells her not to go down there. Buffy’s an independent woman, and tells him to shove off. Angel tells her that she won’t stop the Harvest if she puts herself at risk. Buffy asks him why he doesn’t stop it. Angel says that he’s afraid. That’s his main problem. Buffy turns around and kicks open the doors. Aw. They were meant to be together. Angel tells her that they will be expecting her. Buffy tells him that she has a friend that she needs to save. Angel sighs and gives her directions. Now, was that so hard? She asks if he’s going to wish her luck. He is silent. She leaves. ‘Good Luck’ he whispers.

Commercials. Roseanne was still on at this time in 1997! Yay.

Buffy is walking down a tunnel when Xander pops up from behind her. Xander, you stupid, stupid boy. You need to be harmed. He says that he could just sit at home and do nothing, but he needs to save his best friend. This is sweet, but still stupid as hell. Buffy hands him a cross, which may or may not work. It’s a gamble. I doubt she cares. Xander asks her what other ways there are to kill a vampire, and she explains. Buffy tells him about a time there was a big football player pinning her down and all she had was a little exact-o-knife. Xander shares my look of disgust.

Giles is looking through some books and sees an image of a lightening bolt going from the devil’s hand into a man’s hand. Hot.

Cordelia is pissed at the computer, and has no clue how to work it. GTFO NOOB. Harmony asks if they are headed to the Bronze that night. Cordelia snarks that ‘We are going to the other cool place in Sunnydale’. Giles’ bedroom? Willow is listening to them as they start to gossip about Buffy. They turn to Willow’s computer to see what she’s doing. I hate it when people look at your computer screen. And they know that you know that they are looking at it, and it’s all rather awkward. Especially when you are writing Buffy recaps. Cordelia starts gossiping again, snaking that Buffy is a ‘psycho loony’. Willow defends Buffy with ‘She’s not’. Cordelia asks who gave Willow permission to exist. Lame. Harmony announces that the program is finished, and Cordelia is confused about how to save it. Willow tells them to press ‘Deliver’. Cordelia presses the ‘Del’ key, and all her stuff vanishes. PWN3D NOOB!!11!1!1

Buffy and Xander are still in the tunnels. Xander spots Jesse on the ground and they help him up, just in time to be ambushed by vampires. They haul ass. They round the corner. Oops! More vampires. Vampires everywhere. Jesse tells them that he remembers the way out and leads them to a chamber. No way out there. Xander doesn’t know what to do, but Jesse has a plan! They die. Somehow, I don’t think that will work.

Commercials. Buy Advil because Joyce tells you to.

The chamber of vamp Dom. Xander tells Jesse that he is sorry he let this happento him. Jesse says it’s cool, he feels so much stronger and connected to everything now. Xander holds up a cross to him, and he snarls. The power of Christ compels you! Buffy grabs Jesse and throws him out the door into a large group of vamps. Xander jumps up to help, and together they get the door to move. They close it on a vampire’s arm. The vampire pulls its arm back out of the door, and Buffy slams it shut and closes the latch. The vampires begin pounding on the door. Land shark. Hey, just when you think there’s no way out, there’s a convenient manhole above you!Buffy and Xander climb out. OH NO! A vampire grabs Xander’s leg. Xander pulls the hand up into the sizzlin’ sunlight, and all is well. They leave.

The lair currently known as the lair of scary candles. Ritchie is getting bitched at by The Master.

The Master: Dude, WTF. You let her get away? CURSES!
Ritchie: Well, gee whiz dad! We had her trapped, by golly!
The Master: You suck. Oh well, We’ll try again. Get your brother.
RICHIE turns around to get LUKE
The Master: Oh, hey, son?
RICHIE turns back around
The Master: FINGER IN YOUR EYE, bitch.

Un Biblioteca. Giles is undressing the books with his eyes when Willow walks in and asks if he knows anything about where the two lesser idiots are, which Giles doesn’t know. Willow informs him that she found some crap about earthquakes back in ’37, and a rash of murders after that. Ooh, Sunnydale needs some baby powder. Giles say’s it’s all coming back to him noooooowwww. Then he breaks into a Celine Dion ballad.

And…we’re back to the lair de candelabra. Luke is totally making out with the Master’s hand, and Darla looks a little turned on. Hey, when Julie Benz is turned on, everything’s cool. Luke bites into The Master’s wrist and drinks from him. Luke tells The Master that “my body is your instrument”. Okay, this scene? Kinda gay. What is this, Smallville? The Master is smiling, and proclaims Luke ‘his vessel’. He’ll sail him till’ the river runs dry. Like Clark & Lex. Darla is still turned on. The Master announces to no one in particular that “Every soul [Luke] takes will feed me. And their souls will grant me the strength to free myself. Tonight I shall walk the Earth, and the stars themselves will hide!” Dude, sorry to let you down, but that star part? Not happening.

Library. Can we get some different sets, please? Willow is reading and Xander and Buffy walk in. Willow asks if they found Jesse, and Buffy tells her that he’s been vamp-itized. (COPYRIGHT 2004 DUST). Xander kicks the trashcan. Hm. Teen angst, I guess. Xander just now decided that he H8XORZ vampires. I would have come to that conclusion, like, as soon as I saw one. Buffy asks Giles if he can dampen the mood a smidge, and of course he can. He’s British. (“Burrrrrrrrrn”- Tony) Giles and his speculation talks and talks, so I’m basically just going to boil it down nice and simple-like. The Master came to town to visit the Hellmouth sixty years ago, ate at a nice diner, did some arts and crafts, and had some time to spare so he decided to open the Hellmouth and raise a whole bunch of demons to take over the world. And play shuffleboard. But there was this big-assed earthquake that swallowed him up and he got stuck. So, tonight, on ‘the Harvest’, The Master is getting one of his minions to get energy for him so he has enough energy to get out of his hole. Once again, is this Smallville? The vessel has a sweet ass tattoo so Buffy knows who to dust. I have an easier idea. Kill whoever is sucking a lot of people’s blood. That tends to work. Xander points out that there are a lot of ‘tasty morsels’ at The Bronze. Before they go clubbing’, Buffy has to pick up some supplies.

Casa de Summers. Buffy is pulling her jacket out of the closet when Joyce walks in.

Joyce: Hey, Buffy. Have a headache?
Buffy: Uh..no. Why?
Joyce: You know…with all of your strenuous vampire hunting, you must get a lot of headaches and body pain.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: Here, have some ADVIL.
Buffy: Dude, Mom. You’ve been trying to push Advil on me all day, I just don’t want any. I’m cool now.
Joyce: Okay. I’m just going to set this riiight here in case you need it.
Buffy: Uh. Thanks mom.
Joyce: No, thank ADVIL. –winks-

Anyway, Joyce leaves and Buffy grabs a bunch of vampire killing supplies and jumps out the window.

The Bronze. Cordelia is snarking and snarking. SNARKFEST 97! Bring your own exposition sticks. Cordelia: ”Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they’re children. Y’know? Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog. You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have… What’s the word I’m searching for? Cars! I just am not the type to settle. Y’know? It’s like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it’s expensive, but because it costs more.” This is coming from a ‘High school SOPHOMORE’ who looks like she’s thirty. Maybe it’s just me. One of her minions tries to speak, but Cordelia cuts her off. Methinks I need to try and remember why I love Cordelia so much. Cordelia squees that she loves the song that’s playing and sweeps her minions onto the dance floor.

You fight the good fight / You fight the good war / You fight to be right / You fight to restore / Why should I believe a word that you say / It was just a game that you don’t wanna play / And I say / It’s wearing me down, I realize / It’s all in my head now, now, and I realize / It’s not what you’ve done / As much as what you’ve said / As what you’ve said / As what you’ve said / As what you’ve said

Ok, not as bad as the dumb song from ‘Welcome To The Hellmouth’, but still terrible.

Jesse is lurking from the sides and watching Cordy dance. The song ends and he approaches her. She is like ‘wtf do you want’ and he grabs he hand and pulls her back onto the dance floor. She doesn’t stop him.

Uh oh, a bunch of vampires are coming up the alley! And crappy alt-rock is playing!

How are you feelin’? / Do you feel okay? / ’Cause I don’t!

Preach it, brotha!

Commercials. I’m convinced that The Bronze plays the worst music ever.

Outside the Bronze. The doorman wants some ID from the vampires. Uhm..ID? There’s quite a few underage kids in there, Door-dude. Way to be on task. The vampires shove him inside. A vampire goes to the power box and turns off the main power switch. Luke jumps on stage and chortles (word of the day). People scream when they see his face. Reason number one why Kerry lost the election. Cordelia snarks that there wasn’t supposed to be a band. Is she ever happy about anything? She turns around and, as the script says, “inhales in fright.” That’s what Clinton did the first time he met Kerry. Luke wants everyone to know that the night is glorious, and that they are going to die. A vampire hands him the doorman, and Luke bites him.

Lair of scary candles. The Master is feeling some vibes.

The Bronze. Luke orders for the next victim.

The alley of outside-the-Bronze. The gang’s all there. Buffy tries the door, but alas, it is locked. Buffy tells Giles, Willow, and Xander to try the back exit while she finds her own way in. The back door is locked, as well. Xander says that they have to get in there before Jesse does something stupid. Giles is like ‘He’s dead, Jim.’

Candle lair. The Master is tripping his ass off. “GIVE ME MOOOOOOORE” he yells. Coughclarklexsmallvillecough

Luke’s done with another Capri Sun of bloody goodness, and Darla tries to bring him Cordelia, but Jesse is like ‘nuh uh, this is my bitch’ and Darla is like ‘uh, it’s for the master kthx’. She pulls Cordy away. Buffy breaks a window on the top level and crawls in. Luke says he feel’s the master’s strength growing. Totally. If his strength is in his pants. Oh, yea. I went there. A vampire sees Buffy and growls. GRR. Darla pulls Cordy to Luke, and he kind of strokes her face which is awesome for the actor who plays him. Score, dude. He’s about to bite her, when his balcony buddy comes falling down from the top level. He looks up and Buffy is standing there. Buffy:” Oh, I’m sorry, were you in the middle of something?”. She steps away from the railing and executes a round off to get down. She lands on a pool table. A vampire attacks from her right. Buffy does a front walkover off of the table, grabbing a pool cue on the way. When she lands she thrusts it into her attacker and lets go. He begins to fall and burst into ashes. Sweeet. Luke growls that he wants Buffy’s blood. Don’t we all. She runs and cartwheels up onto the stage, and immediately launches into a full spinning hook kick. Luke staggers into a pile of chairs. Buffy assumes a fighting position. Luke gets up and growls. He comes at her and swings, but she avoids the punch and comes up behind him. He tries to backhand her in her pretty pre-season 7 face but she blocks him, holds onto his arm and gives him three roundhouse kicks to his stomach before he shakes loose. Yikes. She takes her stake and lunges at him. He blocks the lunge, knocking the stake from her grip. He lifts her up and throws her into a pile of boxes. Yes. Empty boxes. The props department needs to be shot. Willow, Xander, and Giles break into the back door and start moving people outside silently. Cut to the main room. Buffy spins around and lands a backhand punch on Luke’s face, knocking him into another pile of stuff. He’s dazed. Buffy turns to see a vampire grab Xander. She grabs a cymbal from a drum set and throws it at the vampire like a Frisbee. Xander sees it coming and ducks. The cymbal decapitates the vampire. “Heads up.” Xander says. CORN ALERT. Please. Buffy laughs at the terribly unfunny joke and Luke grabs her from behind.

Cordelia is on the floor and Jesse is hovering over her. C’mon, get her, Balfour! You wuss. Xander comes up behind him with a stake.

Giles and Willow are still leading people out. Giles stands in front of some stairs, and Darla jumps on him and knocks him down. She can jump on me anytime, ya hear.

Luke wants the Master to taste something. Buffy’s blood, I guess. Or is it? He leans in to bite Buffy, and she head butts him. Buffy: “How’d it taste?” Um…..creamy?

Willow runs over to Darla, who is straddling Giles. She opens a jar of holy water and yells. If I was Giles, I would want about 3 more minutes of wrestling with Julie Benz. But that’s just me. Darla is distracted and looks up. Willow throws the holy water at her. It burns her face and steams. She gets up and runs from the club, screaming.

Jesse grabs Xander by the jacket and lifts him around against a wall. Xander has the stake pointed at Jesse’s chest. Jesse tells Xander he doesn’t have the guts to dust him. Somebody bumps into Xander and POOF Jesse is gone. Two vampires grab Xander.

Buffy is threatening Luke with…a mic stand? Right. Anyway, he tells her metal can’t hurt him. She says ‘no, but sunlight can’, and shatters a giant window beside him. A light comes down on him, and he winces, but it’s only a bright lamp. Buffy calls him an idiot and tells him that sunlight is in about 9 hours. She stakes him. He falls. Poof.

Lair of candles. The Master is still stuck. He cries some emo tears.

Angel is surprised that she actually did it. Wow. A guy stalks a girl for a year and he still has no faith in her.

Sunnydale High. Cordelia is snarking some exposition. She Snarkositioning. Cordelia:” Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don’t even remember that much, but I’m telling you, it was a freak show!” Sigh.

Giles says it’s not over, and no one cares. Xander, Willow, and Buffy are talking about Hellmouths.

The earth is doomed.

Next week: Witches, bitches.

**Dust:** Magik: Hm....I'll have to contemplate giving that Percy a crazy nickname.
(20.11.2004, 17:42)

Magik: This was really funny.But about the Angel name change,what about the Percy from season 3? Will there be 2 Percy’s?
(20.11.2004, 03:12)

Dust: Sam: Basically, I’ll reference Smallville when the scenes get a little…homo-erotic. Shout out to all my Clex shippers. Becca: I’ll think about the name change. ;D
(18.11.2004, 13:09)

Sam: Highly enjoyable! But re: the Smallville asides, I feel compelled to remind you that Buffy came first–so if anyone should be mocked for too much “uhm, been there, done that” it’s Smallville!
(18.11.2004, 12:46)

Becca: This was really funny. Better than the first one. I kind of like it when Giles goes into exposition mode. Apparently you don’t, which is cool. And sometimes I wish that Xander would just get bit, but that’s just me. Good summary. I’m looking forward to more. I love it that you call Angel Percy. Can you stick with that? It fits.
(18.11.2004, 11:38)