An Open Letter to Nathan Fillion

Dear Mr. Fillion,

I am a fan, but more than that I am a concerned fan. What am I concerned about, you ask? Very good question. You’re paying attention, I like that.

Anywho, I’m worried about your security. As you have probably already realized, many of your fans are fucking crazy. Let’s examine what I mean by the word “crazy”, shall we? We shall…

• If they bring you an 8x10 photo of you and them, but they’ve never met you before (meaning they have photoshop’d themselves into a picture of you) — they’re crazy.

• If they make up mySpace pages dedicated to you, even though mySpace pages aren’t called “other people’s space” pages — they’re crazy.

• When they talk to you and end every sentence with “my captain” — they’re crazy.

• If they tell you they’d become prostitutes like Inara if it meant they could get you — they’re crazy.

• If somehow your laundry is folded on your bed every morning and you don’t have a maid, it’s probably one of them and — they’re crazy.

• They will tell you “Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place” was the greatest sitcom ever. Don’t listen to them — they’re crazy.

• If they ask you if they can raffle off your underwear for “charity” and then you find out the “charity” didn’t exist — they’re crazy.

• “White Noise 2” was NOT “critically acclaimed” — they’re crazy.

• If they give you a teddy bear in a browncoats costume, say “thank you” and then have it checked for microphones — they’re crazy.

I guess what I’m trying to say, Mr. Fillion, is that a large percentage of your fans are as nutty as my shit after an all-night binge of cashews. Please learn from this letter. Keep to the daylight, bring a security guard and hold mace in your right hand at all times. I also suggest ear plugs, ’cause they can scream a lot.

Protect your penis. I suggest a small, vicious animal that you can stick down your pants and that you can train to not bite off said protected area. Maybe a ferret or a grumpy midget. I don’t know, try different ones out.

I hope you heed my words, sir. Please be careful. We sane fans hope you’ll be okay.