Whenever You Need Me

As I pull up to the hotel, I wonder what exactly I¹m going to say to Angel. The first thing that springs to mind right now is, how the hell could you not tell me Darla was alive? That you slept with her? That you had a son?! However, I know that my visit today has nothing to do with my feelings, it has to do with Angel, and what he¹s going through.

I walk through the doors of the Hyperion Hotel, seeing Angel¹s new headquarters for the first time, and I mentally kick myself in the butt for hardly ever coming to visit him.

“Buffy,” Cordelia¹s voice is welcoming, but it also sounds like she¹s been crying, not that I can blame her. She¹s gotten very close to Angel, and they¹ve become like a family.

“Hey,” I reply, softly. Cordy comes up to me, and, not knowing what else to do, I slowly move towards her and give her a soft hug. We both know the hug is not only an act of friendship, but as a silent thank you for taking care of the man I love for all these years.

“Where is he?”

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As I slowly turn the knob to Angel¹s room, I secretly contemplate turning around and going back to Sunnydale. But no matter how hard this is going to be, I have to be strong. For him.

The room is dark, as I expected it to be, but I spot Angel right away. He¹s wearing his usual all-black ensemble, his hair looking a little messy. He sits against the far wall of his bedroom, grasping a teddy bear in his hand. Connor¹s, obviously, I silently say to myself. He doesn¹t look up to see who just entered his room, and I¹m not sure if he knows that it¹s me who has trespassed. Somehow at this point, I doubt he cares. I slowly walk up to him, then slide down the wall and sit down next to him, our arms slightly brushing against one another¹s. I look into his eyes from my place beside him, and I can tell he hasn¹t slept in days. It doesn¹t look as if he¹s cried yet though, Cordelia told me she hasn¹t seen him show any real sign of emotion. He just sits here all day and night, staring at the stuffed animal in his hand.

“Hi,” I whisper to him, and without another word, I take one of his hands in mine, holding it tightly with both of mine. He doesn¹t move, and show¹s no sign that he¹s even aware of my presence.

“I¹m sorry,” I continue. My voice is still a whisper. I don¹t want to disrupt the silence of the room. “I¹m sorry for not being here when all this happened. I mean, I know you have a family here, but something as big as this, I should be there for you too.” Silence from him. “I wish you would¹ve talked to me. I wish you would talk in general.”

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For the next fifteen minutes or so, I allow the room to be left in silence, and leave Angel to his thoughts. Although for those fifteen minutes I had given up on trying to speak, I continue to look deep into his eyes, still trying to read him. I soon speak my mind though. “I wish I knew what you¹re thinking. Maybe then I would know what to say, or what to do.” Once again I wait for him to say something, but he just keeps staring at the bear in his hand. “Angel, can you just acknowledge that you know I¹m here?” I do my best to keep my patience. “Honey, I know that you¹re hurting. You lost your son. But there¹s nothing that I can say that can make this better, that would make the pain less. You should just know that of all people, I do understand what it¹s like to lose someone you love. I have lost so many friends. I¹ve lost you, and you know how much I love you, how much I¹ll always love you. And I¹ve lost my mother. The most important person to me in the worldŠand I lost her.” Remembering all the pain I do so well to keep bottled up inside, I feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. Finally, Angel changes position. He does hear me, hears what I¹m saying. I know because he turns slowly and faces me. He looks into my eyes, sees the first tear running down my cheek, and he lifts up his hand and ever so gently wipes it from my face. He then cups my cheek with his hand, and I cover that hand with mine. “You don¹t have to be strong with me,” I whisper to him, and I know he knows what I mean. I see a tear roll down his cheek, and hold his hand even tighter. Before long he can¹t stop. His sobs wrack his entire body, and tears from my eyes begin to flow more freely as well, for the pain we¹ve both suffered throughout our lives. I take Angel in my arms, and hold him there. I¹ll hold him for as long as he needs me to.

I¹ll always be there when he needs me.