Spin the Bottle

Airdate: November 10th, 2002

Special Guest Star: Andy Hallett
Guest Starring: Vladimir Kulich

Written & Directed by: Joss Whedon

Teaser

*At a karaoke bar, Lorne us up on stage singing “Memories” and talking about youth, that magical time, first loves, great discoveries. But sometimes people forget what a mess youth is. It’s magical all right, and he goes to the fact that there’s nothing more unreliable than magic. He tells his audience a story…
*
…And we pick off where we left last time. Cordelia and Angel are in the garden, Cordy asking him if they were in love. Angel fumbles on the question, which irritates Cordy. He doesn’t know, but he has feelings for her, he thought she did too, but she never told him. She asked to meet him to talk, but he never saw her again. She thinks maybe it’s possible, or maybe she was going to tell him to back off, maybe she had a restraining order ready. Angel tells her they were to meet in Malibu in the bluffs at night, and raising his voice, points out that that’s pretty romantic. She tells him not to yell at her, he wasn’t but he just doesn’t want to answer questions he doesn’t have the answers for. He does know that she’s his dearest friend, and he wants that much back. This is killing her however: she knows everything she should about the world in general, but nothing about herself, she doesn’t even recognize the sound of her own name. Angel assures her he’ll get her back. Lorne comes in with great news: he got a memory spell guaranteed to bring Cordy back to the way she was, Angel is dubious, but Lorne says there are no side-effects, there’s no way it can fail.

*Lorne: So I’m an idiot, what are you, perfect?
*
ACT I

Lorne’s addressing his crowd, explaining that he had every reason to believe the spell would work, and it did, after a fashion. But what happened during it, and what came after well, that’s different. But the spell was legit.

The woman who gave this to him, and deals in these kinds of spells, swears it can cut to the chase with this. Angel doesn’t trust spell but Cordy doesn’t care, she’s in, all she wants is to remember. Lorne just has to gather “The Six.”

At his apartment, Wesley is testing out a new strap on armament (including shooting stakes and a collapsible sword) when he gets a call from Lorne. Wes agrees tot take part in the memory spell: it’s worth doing if it gets Cordy her memory back. He also asks about Fred.

Fred and Gun meanwhile can’t sleep and are distant from each other. Angel comes knocking; he needs them for the spell. Downstairs, Lorne is setting up the ritual, with a symbol painted on the floor. Wes, more dressed up than lately, comes in as Fred and Lorne are greeting each other in Pylean. Fred is noticeably uncomfortable, Wes asks her if she’s all right and if it’s done, she replies that it is.

*Lorne explains that he didn’t know then that Fred had tried to kill her evil professor by opening a portal. Gunn didn’t know that Wesley had helped, and Wes didn’t know that Gunn had killed the man himself to prevent her from becoming a killer. And Fred didn’t know that Gunn was right then figuring out that Wes had helped her try. So he didn’t know all the facts from the get go, and he was thinking about Cordelia.
*
Angel come in as Cordy has a towel around her, she says that Connor doesn’t have a shower. He asks her how his son is, she says he’s 18, a mess, and a lot of pain in him, but it helps that she’s there. Angel was just there to inform her that they’re almost ready. Cordy notes that he’s awfully comfy wandering in her room at any time, fitting both “the in love” and “harassment” theories. Angel hopes that will be answered soon.

Wes in wandering in the small office when Gunn, sitting in the dark like a certain broody vamp, says he’s the muscle. He elaborates that he’s not a leader anymore, not with Angel, the Champion, who’s returned. Cordy has the heart, Wes is the brains, which means he’s the muscle. Wes asks where does leave Fred, Gunn ponders it, she’s pretty brainy too, maybe she and Wes are kindred souls, maybe that’s why se went to him, killing takes brains. Wes tells him he did what Gunn wasn’t prepared to; Gunn says that Wes has no idea what he’d do for her. He knows why Wes keeps coming back, Wes points out that they keep needing his help, Gunn blocks his way, if Wes makes a move on Fred, hell put him down, hard. Wes, dripping with sarcasm, is glad Gunn has such faith in their relationship. Gunn grabs his arm, a stake comes out, missing Gunn by inches: they don’t all have muscle to fall back on. Wes turns around to leave, Gunn asks what happened to him, Wes reminds him that he had his throat cut and all of his friends abandon him.

The gang has now formed a circle around the symbol, holding hands, keeping their eyes on the bottle in the centre. Lorne recites the verse “We come to in supplication and in hope, bring her back.” The bottle vibrates, spins, and then a trail of mist hits all of them, sending them in a psychedelic haze, Lorne crawls away and passes out, the others all in their drug-addled states until Cordy smashes the bottle. She’s now wondering what’s going on, Wes doesn’t recognize her, she informs him that she’s Cordelia Chase and that this better not be a sophomore prank or her parents will sue the entire population of Sunnydale. Gunn doesn’t know what she’s talking about, she spells it out for him: kidnapping a minor, and she’s not going to stand for this! That is, until she sees Angel, “hello, salty goodness!” it’s the return of Queen C.

ACT II

No one recognizes anyone in the group. Fred introduces herself to Cordy as another high school student; Cordy wants nothing to do with her. Wes introduces himself, a student at the Watcher’s Academy in Southern Hampshire, where he happens to be Head Boy. Gunn just states his name and nothing else. Cordy isn’t interested in anyone, except in the quiet Angel, he says that they’re all insane, the clothes, the speech, he wonders in what land this is. Wes asks him in turn from what land he hails from, Angel calls him an English pig, and says they never wanted them in Ireland. Cordy tells him he doesn’t sound Irish (which is true), he says his name is Liam. Cordy is annoyed, and she’s had enough and she leaves, but Wes stops her. He’s convinced they’re all victims of some nefarious scheme, with perils around the corner; they should gather info. Cordy suggests gathering the cops, but Gunn doesn’t want the heat and Fred thinks it’s a government conspiracy. Wes suggests they look at the facts: they’re all from different cities, similar age, Cordy then notices that her hair has been cut, and is shocked. Wes and Fred assure her it’s nice. Liam thinks it’s the devil, his father always told him he was a sinner, and now he’s in hell. Wes deduces that they’re in a hotel, and Gunn doesn’t like him. He tells Gunn that he’s seen things that he couldn’t imagine, Gunn moves closer, intimidating Wes. Wes does some cheesy karate moves when his stake pops out. “A clue!” and then Gunn and Fred find the unconscious Lorne. Liam thinks that’s the devil.

Connor, meanwhile, is fighting vamps in an alley, saving a woman in distress. She wonders if he wants his “reward.” Connor does, bur she fifty bucks for it, Connor isn’t familiar yet with the concept of prostitutes. He ought to run home to momma she says, maybe she’ll give him a reward for being such a good boy.

Lorne is tied to the central couch of the lobby with duct tape. Gunn wants to cut off its head, but Wes believes it has information they need. Cordy wants some answers: wooden stakes, guys with horns, and neither of them seems that much surprised when things just get weirder. Gun tells them that vampires are real, he’s been fighting them his whole life, but he’s never seen that type of demon before. Wes says he has, but doesn’t have anything useful on it. This quickly degenerates into a fight between Gunn and Wes until Cordy breaks it up. Wes tells them of the stories at the Watcher’s Academy, about a test, which the most cunning can survive. They’re in a house with a vicious vampire, and they have to kill it before it kills them. Cordy asks them why aren’t they walking out the door, Liam answers that they changed them, and Fred joins in that none of them looks seventeen, and Liam feels cold inside. Wes believes if they find and kill the vampire, the spell will wear off and they can go about their business. They split up, Cordy and Liam on the top floors, Wes, Fred, and Gunn on the bottom.

Liam and Cordy are going room per room, and they find one with the radio on, “minstrels” to Liam, cord turns it off. She sits down on the bed with him and suggests stopping for a while, letting the vampire experts deal with it. He’s sorry for acting so womanish, she feels is muscle, not womanish at all. He vamps out when she turns out, and reverts, she didn’t notice. He rushes to the bathroom, and sees no reflection in the mirror. He comes back out, exclaiming he’s invisible; Cordy says he’s not. He locks himself in the bathroom, confirming he has not reflection. He vamps out, touches his vampire features, and reverts. He does this several times before he comes to the conclusion that he’s the vampire and they’re going to kill him.

ACT III

*Lorne asks to his crowd if there’s anything worse than feeling that you’re all alone, the only person in the world who feels the way they do, and if anyone found out they’d drive a stake through their heart.
*
Gunn Wes and Fred are in the hotel kitchens, vampire hunting. Fred’s still not ruling out aliens, talking to Wes about what they could have been doing to her poor, naked, helpless, body. Wes, uncomfortable, assures her that it’s demonic work and they aren’t so exploratory. They find out nothing in that room.

The five all meet up in the lobby, Cordy and Liam not having found anything either in the rooms they searched, though they haven’t searched them all. Liam says that the place is evil and that he should leave and does so, effortlessly. Wes thinks Lima is facing out there horrors he’s never even imagined.

In fact, 18th Century Liam is petrified by the modern L.A. traffic, and bolts back inside the hotel, telling about the hundreds of shiny demons. Gunn is bored at the prospect of checking every other room, and Fred asks if the vampire shouldn’t be coming after them. Wes agrees that further searching is pointless, and comes to a new theory: 5 people, complete strangers and far from home, the demon could be among them. Liam is all for searching rooms now, but Wes is sticking to his idea and gets out a cross and points it at Gunn’s face. He gets a punch in the face for his troubles, but nothing else. Fred and Cordy try it, then Liam, who holds it tight, and in some pain just as Lorne is waking up, and gets rid of the cross. Lorne still has his memories, except for the fact that he’s tied to a chair, again! The gang was hoping he could tell them what happened, Wes calling him a spawn of evil. Lorne sees that his sure fire hit was a dud. Wes wants to know where the vampire is; Lorne tells them there aren’t any vampires, well except for Angel there (nodding his head at Liam). Liam says the devil-man is lying but Lorne doesn’t get it and Angel punches him, knocking him unconscious again. They all move away from him, Gunn grabbing his axe. Cordy points out that they left her alone with him, Liam swears that he never touched her, Cordy says that’s clearly deviant behaviour. Wes and Gunn agree about vamps, they aren’t people, just dust waiting to happen. Wes has his stake poke out but Fred leans on him and it shoots out, hitting Liam. Gunn hacks at him, Liam knocks him aside. Liam tells them they want a vampire, they’ve got their man, he’ll start feeding on the ladies, but doesn’t know which one to choose first. Cordy’s miffed at that until she remembers the feeding part, and points at Fred, “half of her is neck!” Wes has the two women run, unravels his sword, and goes after Liam. Liam knocks him out with one punch.

Cordy, running away, has trapped herself in the basement. Liam is disappointed, she liked him so much before, now he can’t get one little kiss. He grabs her, he’s strong too now, but she says she has a superpower and screams her lungs out. It’s inhuman to Liam’s ears but hasn’t accomplished anything. Connor, out of nowhere, lunges at him, then throws him through a window down to the kitchens below. Cordy thanks him, he’s a bit too chess club for her usual tastes, but if he kills that vamp, he’ll get a big reward, and she means it.

ACT IV

Connor jumps down, Liam corners him, he’s tired of being bullied. Connor punches him.

Fred, hiding behind a curtain, checks on the unconscious Gunn. Lorne asks her for a minute of her time, she asks why she should trust him. He tells her they’re buddies, they did a spell and it went wrong, but they can make it right. He asks if the bottle is still in the circle, but all she sees is the broken glass. He can still do it, but one at a time. He needs her to untie him, and has her look in her heart, is he evil?

In the kitchen, Liam is getting beat up by Connor. Liam is impressed, his this lad a vampire too? Connor sees he doesn’t remember. Liam tells him he only remembers waking up in this madhouse with those hypocrites. He’s supposed to be evil he says, they attack him without cause, they gang up on him because he’s different, just like his father. Connor tells him that fathers do suck, Liam agrees, his father told him to be good, fear God, do as your told, even though he’s done his share of sins too. Connor says it sounds like his father, a self-righteous bastard like he wouldn’t believe. They fight again, Lima with reluctance, he’d rather be satisfying his urges with the Chase girl. Connor wars him away, the girl is his, Liam says she never did mention him, Conner hits him with a pan and kicks him.

Lorne’s made a paste in bowl, and dabs some on Fred’s tongue. She swallows, her memories come back, and stops Gunn from killing Lorne.

Connor and Liam are still fighting, Liam gaining the advantage, beating Connor. Liam says he didn’t ask for this, didn’t ask to be attacked, to be freak, or even to be born, he walks away. Connor asks him to wait, and tells him he almost had him, Liam says not in a dream. Fred rushes down.

Wes, Gunn and Fred are picking up the remains of the spell, all with a heavy load on their shoulders, and going their separate ways. Lorne is in a hallway, applying the restoration spell to Cordy. She takes on look at him, Connor, and Angel, and runs off.

Lorne explains that none of them knew at the time what Cordy saw, and replays the sequence of events. The first thing that Cordy saw were evil, demonic eyes belonging to some beast, and then she runs off. Lorne finishes up, it’s been a long night, always leave them wanting more, and he’s got nothing left to tell. He warns them to stay away from the magic.

Angel runs after Cordy in the hall, she says she can’t and she’s sorry, but it’s too much. She remembers all of it, and she has to be alone, for a while at least. As she leaves Angel calls out to her and asks if they were in love. She whispers that they were, and she leaves.

Lorne steps off the stage and leaves the empty bar.

Summary by Dannyboy

Quotes

(A=Angel C=Cordelia W=Wesley G=Gunn F=Fred L=Lorne Cn=Connor)

L: “People all forget what a mess youth is. It’s a time of magic alright. And there is nothing more unreliable or annoying than magic. Let me tell you a little story.”

A: “I don’t know.”
C: “You don’t know?”
A: “Well, I’m not sure.”
C: “Now, I kind of think that’s the sort of thing I’d remember. Hey! Maybe you wrote it down somewhere. A note on the fridge maybe?”

C: “Maybe I was gonna tell you to back off, buddy. Maybe you were comin’ on too strong, harassing me in the workplace. Maybe I had a red hot restraining order in my mitts! You ever think of that?”
A: “I was never… in the workplace…. I… well, there was that one time with the ballet …and the stripping …and the roundness, but that was a spell! And we were meeting in Malibu on the bluffs at night! That’s a pretty romantic restraining order!”

A: “All I know is that you were my dearest friend. And I just… I hope that… I just…. I want that back. That much at least.”

C: “You have no idea how much this is killing me. I know my ABCs, my history. I know who’s president, and that I sort of wish I didn’t. I know the name of every shoe store in the Beverly Center, but I don’t even recognize the sound of my own name.”

A: “We’ll get you back. No matter what. I promise you we will get you back.”
L: “Who is *we* paleface? I’m the one doing all the legwork. Well, it’s really more lap work, because guess what just fell into it?”

L: “No pain. No side effects. I’m telling you, swingers, there is no way this can fail!” [on stage] “So I’m an idiot. What are you? Perfect?”

L: “Ooh. I’m gonna need a bigger drink.”

L: “But, no, the spell was legit, straight up. I had it off this wraith, sweet girl. Not overly tangible, but she deals in memory spells professionally.”

L:“She swears up and down that with the right mix, we can stop this talking and cut straight to the Cordelia Chase, in two ticks of a…ticking thing.”

G: “Oh, good. Symbols on the floor. That always goes well.”

W: “Did I miss the spell? Did English go away?”

L: “Okay. First of all she didn’t say ‘May your words please the gods’ so much as ‘May you orally please the gods’, which is a slight… inflection is very crucial in our… Ah! God bless her. It’s always nice to hear the mother tongue. As long as it’s not from *my* mother!”

A: “How is he?”
C: “He’s eighteen. He’s a mess.”

C: “So, you’re perfectly okay with just wandering into my room any old time. That fits the ‘we were in love’ theory and the harassment theory… pretty much equally.”

G: “So I’m the muscle, huh?”
W: “Sorry?”
G: “Angel’s the man on the card. It’s his world. I’m not a leader no more. I don’t have that champion’s heart like Cordy, and the brains, that was you. So that leaves muscle.”

G: “I’m gonna say this once. You move on Fred and I will put you down hard.”
W: “I’m glad to see you have such faith in your relationship.”

W: “Not all of us have muscle to fall back on.”

G: “What happened to you, man?”
W: “I had my throat cut and all my friends abandoned me.”

F: “This is important. It’s so beautiful….” [barfs]

W: “We’ll just wait to see if there are any side effects.” [laughs]

C: “It’s called kidnapping a minor, Hair-Club-for-Men!”

W: “So, who are you?”
G: “I’m the guy that’s gonna be kickin’ a whole mess of ass somebody don’t tell me what’s going on!”
C: “What do they call you for short?”

C: “Oh, we’re both in school. Oh. Gosh! Let’s be best friends, so I can lose all my cool ones.”
W: “There is no call to be snippity, Miss.”
C: “This is a clarion call for snippity, Princess Charles.”

W: “I am from the Watchers Academy in Southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be Head Boy.”
C: “Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.”
W: “A lot of effort, I don’t mind saying.”

G: “Gunn.”
W: “Where?!?”

C: “So, we’ve heard from the socially handi-capable. What’s your story?”

W: “Where do you hail from, friend?”
A: “I’m not your friend, you English pig! We never wanted you in Ireland. We don’t want you now.”

G: “You Irish?”
C: “You don’t sound Irish.”
A: “I most certain… I sound exactly… something wrong with my voice.”

A: [in background] “…Liaaaam…eee… ahm… eng-lish pig… piiig?….”

F: “Don’t y’all think this is some kind of government conspiracy? Cuz my friend Levon says the government is always taking kids and experimentin’ on ’em. Did anybody else have to take a personality disorder test recently? They ask you about politics and your bowel movements and if you want to be a florist….”

C: “Okay, we’ve heard from Scarlet O’Please-shut-me-up. Does anyone sane have a theory?”

W: “We’re all from different cities, we’re all of an age… judging from the amount of facial hair I’ve grown, we’ve all been unconscious for at least a month….”

C: “Oh god! Oh god! My hair! My hair! The government gave me bad hair!”

W: “Perhaps the whole point of this experiment is hair!”
G: “I vote he’s not in charge.”

A: “It’s the devil!”
C: “My hair?”

A: “My father said that I was a sinner, that I’d come to a bad end. Now I’ve come to Hell.”
G: “Well, Hell’s a lot nicer than my place.”

G: “Don’t be givin’ me orders. I run my own crew.”
W: “I’m sure your seafaring adventures are very interesting. But I have experience in things you couldn’t imagine. I’m not Head Boy for nothing.”
G: “You’re about to be headless boy you don’t get out of my face!”

W: “Alright! Nobody scream! …or touch my arms.”

A: “I knew it. It’s the devil!”
F: “Why’s the devil sleepy?”

Blonde: “Whoa, whoa! Hey! Baby! You saved my life. Don’t you want your reward? I can give you a nice reward.”
Cn: “Uh… Yeah. Okay.”
Blonde: “You got fifty bucks?”

G: “I say we cut his damn head off!”
W: “Thank you very much, Marie Antoinette.”
G: “*What’d* you call me?”

C: “Hey! Hey! You two wanna pause the homo-erotic buddy cop session long enough to explain this?”

F: “Have you got any weed?”

W: “All right. I’m going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending, I assure you that however…”
G: “Vampires are real.”
W: “*I* was telling!”

W: “It’s… a *demon*! Probably of the Karathmamanahyahh…. family. You see? Some of us have slightly broader experience.”
G: “How do you kill it?”
W: “Well, I know this breed is nocturnal and feeds on roots, or possibly human effluvia and, ah…. It’s a horned race….”
G: “So you know jack.”
W: “They’re nocturnal?”
G: “I’m gonna get me one of them axes.”

G: “Hey, don’t matter what it is: It looks wrong, it dies.”

C: “Aren’t you gonna go in there and stop them?”
A: “It’s about time the English got what’s coming to ’em. I’m rooting for the slave.”

L: “I know I’m still unconscious during this part of the story, but: Can you believe these mooks?”

F: “Slayer? The band?”

G: “I think I’m here in a chop-that-green-bitch’s-head-off capacity, and I don’t give a damn about no test!”
F: “Are you always this grouchy?”
G: “Only when I wake up with a bunch of insane white folks trying to tell me what to do! The day I take orders from guys like you is the day I…. Not even gonna happen.”

C: “Keep explaining why we’re not walking out that door.”
A: “Because they did something to us. They changed us.”
C: “You mean this _is_ about my hair?”

F: “I sort of see his point. Not one of y’all looks exactly seventeen. It’s like time’s been pushed forward, like we missed a bunch of years.”

C: “Kinda _have_ filled out even more.”
F: “And I… apparently ain’t gonna.”

C: “This is so unfair! I’m a craggy twenty-something? What about *Prom*?”

F: “So you think if we kill this vampire they’ll take off this spell whammy and we can go back to being ourselves?”
C: “And never see each other again?”
W: “I believe that we can all just go about our business.”
C: “And never see each other again?”

F: “I’m ready. I’m okay. Would be cooler if we could score some weed though.”

A: “How did you…? You stopped the tiny men from singing!”
C: “You really are far from home, aren’t you?”

A: “I’m invisible!”
C: “No, you’re not.”
A: “Oh… excuse me.”

A: “I’m a vampire. They’re gonna kill me!”

L: “Well, those were some exciting products. Am I right? Let’s all think about buying some of those.”

F: “I just don’t think we should be ruling out the idea of aliens. I mean, he’s a greenish sort of fella, and us being asleep all that time… I mean, think about it a minute. They could have been doing heaven knows what! I can just see myself, lying on a table, no clothes, no will, while they probed and explored and did whatever they wanted to my naked helpless body.”

W: “Well. Let’s not give up probe. _Hope_. Give up hope. We not.”

A: “I agree. There is nothing here. This place is evil. I think that I should leave now, ’cause of evil.”

G: “So, we’re all locked in, huh?”

C: “Excuse me? Did I just get the brush off? Did a guy just bail on *me*?! There really is some sort of horrible spell.”

F: “Do you think Liam’s okay out there?”
G: “If something’s eating him at least he’s not as bored as me.”

W: “I was getting to the good part!”

A: “See? The English _is_ stupid. Let’s have a different theory.”

W: “The cross obviously doesn’t affect me, or our friend the pugilist.”
G: “Your ass better *pray* I don’t look that word up!”

L: “Oh. Guys. Hey. That was quite a whammy. A little trip through the transitive nightfall of diamonds, if you know what I mean. And I certainly don’t…”
A: “It speaks madness.”

L: “Hey! Here’s a funny sidebar: I’m tied to a chair. Again! What the hell’s going on?!”

A: “Well, I never touched her!”
C: “So clearly: Deviant!”

W: “Sorry! …I mean: *Ha*!”

A: “You want a vampire then? Guess I’m your man! I guess I’ll start… feeding on your corpses! Starting with the girls. So, who’s gonna be the first course? Hard to chose between you two girls.”
C: “What do you mean it’s hard? …I mean… *She’s* the tasty one! Look at her, half of her is neck!”

C: “Well, I got a superpower of my own, hotshot.”
A: “What’s that then?”
[Cordelia screams until she runs out of breath]
A: “That really *is* inhuman.”

W: “Yes, that one! Kill that one, please!”

C: “You’re a wee bit chess club for my, ah, usual beat. But you killed that freak and you’re getting a *big* reward.”
Cn: “You mean it?”
C: “Whoo doggy!”

A: “I’m supposed to be evil. But they attack me without cause. They gang up on me because I’m different. They’re as bad as my father.”
Cn: “Fathers. Don’t they suck?”

Cn: “Sounds kind of like my father.”
A: “Is he a self-righteous bastard?”
Cn: “You’d be amazed.”

F: “Huwwy up. I’m newvous.”

A: “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be attacked. I didn’t ask to be a freak. Hell, I didn’t even ask to be born.”

L: “So all’s well that ends well, right, kiddies? …But since nothing ended all that well, I guess I gotta say, well… nothing was well.”

L: “I hope that you all enjoyed my little tale so much that you tip your waitresses with obnoxious abandon.”

L: “I’ve got a Seabreeze that gonna up and leave with someone else if I don’t get to her soon. So, you kids be good and go home. Hug your families while you can. And stay away from the magic. Trust me.”

A: “You remember.”
C: “I remember all of it.”

A: “Cordelia?”
A: “Were we in love?”
C: “We were.”

Please credit Hellmouth Central with these quotes when using them for any publication.