Band Candy

Written by: Jane Espenson Directed by: Michael Lange

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase, Seth Green as Oz, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Main guest stars : Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers, K. Todd Freedman as Mr. Trick, Robin Sachs as Ethan Rayne, Armin Shimerman as Principal Snyder, Harry Groener as Mayor Richard Wilkins III, Jason Hall as Devon.

Original broadcast date : November 10, 1998

Buffy¹s greatest nightmare has come to pass: the SAT¹s. As she studies with Giles¹ help in the cemetery, she moans that only they and the undead are up working so late. Coincidentally, the Mayor is meeting at the same moment with Mr. Trick, who reports having subcontracted someone who has already worked in Sunnydale, and can help the Mayor fulfill one of his campaign promises to a demon supporter- a certain form of tributeŠ

The next day, Buffy is sharing her angst about the SAT¹s with Oz and Willow, when Principal Snyder comes around and bullies them into selling candy bars to buy new uniforms for the school band.

Buffy manages to unload half her candy bar box on her mother, to sell at the gallery; then, they fall into an argument about Buffy borrowing Mom¹s car (which, according to Joyce, will NOT happen). Frustrated, Buffy leaves and goes to the library to train with Giles ­ and unload the other half of the candy bar box on him. After they train for a bit, she leaves, saying that her mother needs her at home. But instead, she goes to the mansion to see Angel, to bring him blood and spend time with him.

When she finally gets home ­ quite late ­ Giles and Joyce, having found out that she played them against each other about where she was, are waiting for her. Joyce sends her daughter to bed, and the adults sit on the couch and eat the candy barsŠ just as a worker, in a factory somewhere in town, also prepares to do. Ethan Rayne takes the bar away from the worker¹s mouth, telling him he really doesn¹t want to eat thatŠ

The next day, Giles fails to show up for his shift in study hall. As Xander and Willow secretly play footsie under the table, Buffy gets worried and decides to go to Giles¹ place. When she gets there, she finds him looking through old records, while Joyce relaxes on the couch. He tells Buffy they were working on a activities schedule for Buffy, but that he didn¹t feel like going to work. Joyce gives her car keys to Buffy, who is too elated to get the opportunity to drive to even think of questioning the strangeness. After she hurriedly leaves, Joyce asks Giles if he thinks Buffy noticed anything. As he lights up a cigarette, he answers “No way”. Joyce takes out a bottle of kahlua, then suggests they go out and “stir things up a bit”.

Buffy is driving her mother¹s Jeep Cherokee, in a not-quite-experienced fashion, with a terrified Willow in the passenger¹s seat. They manage to arrive safely at the Bronze, where the Dingoes are playingŠ for a mostly adult audience. All of them, bald men in ties, fortysomething women, are acting like overgrown teenagers. Even Principal Snyder is affected, and starts acting like a dork and following Buffy and Willow like a puppy dog. Appalled, Buffy, Willow and Oz leave to go find Giles, and Snyder hitches a ride (telling Buffy in the process that she drives like a spaz). But on the way, they get into a car accident (amazingly, not Buffy¹s fault).

Meanwhile, Giles, who now goes by his old name “Ripper”, roams around town with Joyce, who suddently notices a coat that she likes in a store window. Ripper picks up a trashcan, breaks the window and steals the jacket. When the alarm goes off, a cop shows up. Giles beats him up, then proceeds to make out with Joyce on the hood of the police car.

As Buffy gets out of the Jeep to inspect the damage, she suddenly wonders where the vampires are in this now defenceless town. Suddenly, someone steals Snyder¹s candy bar, and his outraged reaction makes Buffy realize that there¹s something in the candy that makes the adults act like teens. Willow and Oz go to the library to find Xander and Cordelia and do research; meanwhile, Buffy and Snyder go to the factory, which they find under siege by a crowd of adults demanding more candy.

An appalled Buffy then spots Giles and her mother making out; after unsuccessfully tying to reason with Joyce, she angrily takes her inside the factory, while Giles and Snyder tag along. Inside the factory, Buffy finds Ethan and beats him into admitting what he knows ­ namely, that Mr. Trick wanted to render the town helpless so he could assemble a tribute to Laconus, the Mayor¹s demon supporter. And at the library, Willow and Oz discover just what that tribute is: newborn babiesŠ

Buffy chains up Ethan with some handcuffs ­ helpfully supplied by Joyce - then go to the hospital to try and find the babies. Giles has a moment of lucidity as he remembers that Laconus lives in the sewers.

Buffy, Giles and Joyce arrive to find the underground ritual underway. As Buffy fights the vampire minions, Giles and Joyce wheel the babies away. As the Maoyr escapes, Buffy throws a vampire in a pool of water; a rumbling sound arises, and a huge serpent head comes out and eats the victim. Trick tries to feed Buffy to the Laconus, but Giles defends her and ends up in the pool himself. But just before Laconus can eat him, Buffy manages to pull down a gas pipe, light the gas on fire and burn Laconus.

The next day at school, a normal-again Principal Snyder forcibly recruits Willow, Oz, Xander and Cordelia, as volunteers to clean the “Kiss Rocks” off of the lockers. As for Buffy, she¹s unhappy with how the SAT¹s went, and is saying so to Giles when they stumble upon Joyce in front of the school. Buffy dodges the blame for the damage to the car by inflicting a guilt trip on her mom about what “almost” happened between her and Giles.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“One of the funniest episodes of all-time.”

DJ Angelus -

“Joyce and Giles on the hood of the police car. Twice :)”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=Cordelia, O=Oz, A=Angel, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, T=Mr. Trick, M=Mayor, E=Ethan, MB=Miss Barton

G: “And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.” That’s all there is. Are you ready? B: Hit me. G: Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage: A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)… B: B! I’m going with B. We haven’t had B in forever. G: This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college. B: Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off. G: This isn’t meant to be easy you know. It’s a rite of passage B: Is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?

B: I broke my No. 2 pencil. We’ll have to do this again sometime. G (handing Buffy a new pencil): C) All systems tend towards chaos.

T: I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.

M: I made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires its tribute. You see, that’s what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. I keep my campaign promises.

M: Where’d I put that scotch?

B: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled in answer bubble screaming “None of the above.” W: Wow. I hope that wasn’t one of your prophecy dreams…. Probably not.

O: I could help you get ready. There’s this whole trick to antonyms but…. this isn’t the place.

W: Oz is the highest scoring person never to graduate! B: Isn’t she cute when she’s proud? O: She’s always cute.

C: Oh god. Are we killing something tonight? B: Only my carefree spirit.

W: Oz is the highest scoring …. C: We know. We did the impressed thing already.

X: I hate they make us take that thing [SAT]. It’s totally fascist, and personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed. C: Actually, I’m looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. What? I can’t have layers?

B: I’m supervised 24/7. It’s like being in the Real World house. Only real.

W: Ooh! Candy bars! Lots of ’em! X: Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren’t visited by the ghost of Christmas past by any chance?

B: Let’s hear it for the band.

X: Those tall fuzzy hats aren’t cheap, huh? O: But they go with everything.

B: I’m sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman, but we’re not in the band. PS: And if I’d handed you a trombone that would be a problem, Summers. It’s candy. Sell it.

J: Buffy, what would I do with 40 chocolate bars? B: You could hand them out at the gallery. Buy something pre-Columbian; get a free cavity!

B: You’re a good mom. J: The best. B: No, I’m pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive.

B: I’m not taking off again. Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.

J: Don’t you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time? B: And does he ever say he’s sorry? B: Ow! G: I’m sorry.

B: OK. You’re just doing this to take funny pictures of me.

B: You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh?

G: It’s not that simple is it… OW!

A: It’s late. How’d you get away? B: It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room; rode out in the garbage truck.

B: Do you guys want to watch some television? I hear there’s a very insightful Nightline on.

J: Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important? B: Bronze things. Things of Bronze.

B: You’re both scheduling me 24 hours a day. Between the two of you that’s 48 hours!

G: All right, come on. Let’s not, uh, freak out. B: Freak out?!

E: Trust me. You don’t want to eat that.

C: I heard there’s a secret rule that if a teacher is more than 10 minutes late, we can all leave early. B: It’s Giles’s turn to watch Study Hall. He’ll be here. He’s allergic to late.

C: He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy book checked out for, like, a year, and he made me pay the fine even though it was huge. I was sad to return it. It was perfect for starting conversations with college boys. Of course, that was BX. B: BX?… Before Xander. Cute.

X: I like chocolate. There is no bad here.

W: I went to, like, four houses and they were gone. It’s like trick or treating in reverse. X: I know! These things are selling like hot cakes. Which is ironic ’cause the hot cakes really aren’t moving.

X: The band. They’re great. They march. W: Like an army. Except with music instead of bullets, and usually no one dies.

C: Where is Giles already? I’m bored and he’s not here to give me credit for it.

PS: Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I’m the principal. It’s not fair!

MB: Let’s just sit quietly and pretend we’re reading something until we’re really sure old Commandant Snyder’s gone. Then we’re all outta here! X: Does anyone else want to marry Miss Barton? C: Get in line.

J: Take the car, and Mr. Giles can drive me home. B: What? Excuse me, I meant WHAT?! J: Keys. Take them. B: You don’t have to tell me twice. Well, actually, you did but… Bye!

J: Do you think she noticed anything? G: *lighting cig* No way.

W: Tell me again how it happened? B: I told my mom I wanted to be treated like a grown up, and voila! Driveyness! Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and Giles are planning my future, I think it’s easier for them to live my life if I’m not actually there.

W: Do you know that you have the parking brake on?

W: Are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the SATs are tomorrow. B: We can study at the Bronze. A little dancing, a little cross-multiplying.

J: You’ve got good albums. G: Yeah, they’re okay. J: Do you like Seals & Crofts? G: *look* J: Me neither.

J: So, why do they call you Ripper? G: Wouldn’t you like to know?

J: Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV? I know how to order pay per view.

B: Let’s do the time warp again. W: Maybe there’s a reunion in town…. or a Billy Joel tour or something.

B: Miss Barton? MB: Buffy, whoa! W: You okay, Miss Barton? MB: Oh I’m cool, Willow. Willow. That’s a tree. You’re a tree. Are there any nachos in here, Little Tree?

W: This is not normal. Maybe that goes without saying.

PS: Hey gang! This place is fun city, huh? B: Principal Snyder?! PS: Call me Snyder. Just the last name. Like Barbarino. Oh, I’m so stoked!!

PS: Hey did you see Miss Barton? I think she’s wasted. I’m gonna have to put that in her next performance review….’cause…. ’cause I’m the principal!

W: I don’t like this. They could have heart attacks. B: Well, maybe there’s a doctor here. W: I think that is my doctor. He’s usually less topless.

PS: Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!

B: They’re acting like a bunch of us. W: I don’t act like this.

T: That’s the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are going to die, but that’s the other reason I love this country.

O: Teenagers. That’s a sobering mirror to look into, huh?

PS (to Oz): You’ve got great hair.

*Louie, Louie* W: It just gets more upsetting. *Louie, Louie* B: No vampire has ever been that scary.

B: We have to figure out what’s going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it.

PS: Hey, where are we going? Wait up you guys. You guys aren’t trying to ditch me are you?

PS: Whoa, Summers, you drive like a spaz!

W: It’ll be okay when we get to Giles. O: Of course, I mean, even if he’s sixteen he’s still Giles, right? He’s probably a pretty together guy. W: Yeah, well…. O: What? B: Giles at sixteen? Less �Together1 Guy, more �Bad Magic, Hates the World, Ticking Time Bomb1 Guy. O: Well, then I guess your mom’s in a lot of trouble.

J: That’s cool! Very Juice Newton.

PS: This is great! Let’s do donuts in the football field.

G: Ooo. Copper’s got a gun!

J: You are so cool. You’re like Burt Reynolds.

W: Anybody else all creeped out and trembly?

B: Something’s weird. O: Something’s not?

B: So where are all the vampires? The soup’s on but no one’s grabbing a spoon. O: Something’s happening. Someplace that’s else.

PS: That guy took my candy! B: The candy. It’s gotta be the candy, it’s cursed. PS: Curse? I’ve got curse?

B: You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up. O: Candy curses? W: Disturbing second childhood. Got it. B: Rat boy and I are going to the source.

B: Mom! Where did you get that coat?!

B: Giles, think about this. You want to fight me, or do you want to let me talk to my mom?

J: Hey, look, they’re giving away candy. You want some candy? B: No, I don’t, and you don’t need any more either. J: I’m fine. I can have more if I want. B: You are not fine. You need to go home. J: Screw you. I want candy. B: Mom– J: You wanna slay stuff and I’m not allowed to do anything about it. Well this is what I wanna do so get off my back.

G: Oh for god’s sake, let your mum have a sodding candy bar.

B: Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that. J: Oh my God! What was I thinking when I bought the geek machine?

B: Listen to me– G: No, you listen to me. I’m your Watcher so you do what I tell you. Now sod off!

PS: Hey, Brit-face, wait up!

E: Yeah, I’ve been out there. The town’s wide open. You guys can go any time. B: Ethan Rayne. E: You might want to hurry.

C: At first it was fun, you know. They seemed like they were in this really good mood. Not like parents. And then… W: Badness? C: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire.

X: I don’t get this. The candy’s supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I’ve had a ton and I don’t feel any diff–never mind.

C: You wanna swap? W: What? Swap? C: You wanna swap. This book is really thick and I’m not sure it’s in English.

G (breathing hard): Bloody hell. B: That’s what smoking’ll do to you.

B: Look, a box full of farm fresh chicken.

PS: So, are you two…kinda…like, um…going steady?

B: So, Ethan, what are we playing? We’re pretty much in a talk or bleed situation. Your call. G: Hit him. E: I’d just like to point out that this wasn’t my idea. B: Meaning? E: I’m subcontracting. It’s Trick you want. I’m just helping him collect a tribute. For a demon. G: He’s lying. Go on, hit him. B: I don’t think he is. And shut up. G: You’re my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat.

B: Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I tell you a wrong answer will cost you all your points.

PS: She whupped you good, huh? I can do that. I took Tae Kwan Do at the Y.

B: See if you guys can find something to tie him up with. J: [sheepishly hands Buffy handcuffs] B: Never tell me.

J: Something’s gonna eat those babies? PS: I think that is so wrong. G: She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow. B: I know who took them. G: Well then let’s do something. Let’s find the demon and kick the crap out of it.

G: Larconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth. B: What? G: Ooh. I know this. I knew this. Larconis means glutton, and we’ll find it in the sewers. J: The sewers? PS: Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I’ll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh, find their way back.

G: You filthy little poncer, are you afraid of a little demon? PS: If you want to splash around in the poo, you’re the filthy one.

B: I need help, okay? Giles, I need grown-ups. These children are gonna die if we don’t act now, okay, and think clearly. There is no room for mistakes. Besides which, you guys are just wigging me out.

B: Snyder, go home. S: I can do that.

B: Giles, we’re going to the sewers. [turns to see J & G kissing] And don’t do that.

M: Carol? Hi, yeah, call Dave on the public works committee tomorrow about sewer maintenance and repair. I have some concerns regarding exposed gas pipes, infrastructure, ventilation. And, um, cancel my three o’clock.

T: Ordinarily I like other people to do my fighting for me. But I just gotta see what you got. B: Just tell me when it hurts.

T: You and me girl. There’s hot times ahead. B: They never just leave. Always gotta say something.

J: Can we go home now? B: Yeah, we can go home. I’ve got the SATs tomorrow. J: Oh, blow them off. I’ll write you a note.

M: This didn’t turn out the way I had planned. T: Where’s the down side? You just got yourself one less demon you have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favor. M: I guess you did. In the future, I’d be very careful how many favors you do for me.

PS: You look like four young people with too much time on your hands O: Not really. C: Busy like a bee actually. Bee-like.

W: Kiss rocks? Why would anyone want to–oh, wait, I get it.

B: It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone. G: Was that the math or the verbal? B: Mostly the math. G: Well if you scored low then you can always take them again. B: More SATs. Is there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college. G: And then you very possibly might not. B: Well, let’s just keep hope alive.

G: I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn’t it? J: Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I’m letting her pay for it on the installment plan. B: Hey, the way things were going, be glad that’s the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something. J: Right. G: Indeed J: Yes.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers