The Zeppo

Written by: Dan Vebber Directed by: James Whitmore, Jr.

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase, Seth Green as Oz, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Main guest stars : Eliza Dushku as Faith, Saverio Guerra as Willy the Snitch, Channon Roe as Jack O¹Toole, Michael Cudlitz as Bob, Darin Heames as Parker, Scott Torrence as Dickie, Whitney Dylan as Lysette.

Original broadcast date : January 26, 1999

In an underground setting, Giles, Faith, Buffy and Willow are fighting some apparently very powerful female demons. After Faith wins it for the Scoobies by driving a sword through one of the demons, a slightly hurt Xander wearily crawls out of the rubble. Buffy, feeling bad, suggests that Xander stay out of the fighting from now on, and Giles agrees.

However, the time couldn¹t be worse to do that to poor Xander. Still reeling from his breakup with Cordelia and feeling rejected by his friends, he tries to fit in somewhere by throwing football with other students. Once again, he goofs ­ the ball he was supposed to catch hits and destroys the lunch of Jack O¹Toole, the school bully. Jack threatens Xander with physical violence and leaves.

Cordelia, having witnessed the entire event, can¹t resist the urge to mock Xander ­ she tells him it must be hard to be the one with no superpowers, the useless one, the Zeppo. She walks away, smiling, leaving behind a profoundly hurt Xander. Our geeky friend turns to Oz for help, asking the musician what makes someone “cool”. He then decides that he needs his “thing”.

At the libray, Giles fills Buffy in on what the demons of the previous evening were about. They¹re the Sisterhood of Jhe, and they intend to open the Hellmouth and bring forth its demons, something that might spell the end of the world.

The next morning, Buffy is walking to school with Willow, who offers to help fight the Sisterhood of Jhe with her magic skills. Then, Xander pulls up in a very cool-looking ¹57 Chevy Bel Air, his Uncle Rory¹s car. He tells the girls that he¹s “car guy, the guy with a car”, but they¹re unimpressed. Buffy informs him about the big looming evil, and he offers his help.

Next thing we know, Xander is at the donut shop, picking up snacks for the gang. Cordelia ­ as usual, at the right place at the right time ­ comes in and mocks him again, saying that no one cares about the car. Right then, a cute blonde girl ­ Lysette - comes up to Xander and asks about the Chevy; he offers her a spin and smugly looks at a staring Cordelia as he pulls away.

Lysette and Xander end up at the Bronze ­ of course, he wants to show off ­ but she gets bored and wants to go for another ride. Xander obliges, but quickly rear-ends a parked car. Out comes Jack O¹Toole, looking none too happy. Once again, he pulls out his knife ­ which he introduces to Xander as Katie ­ and seems intent on using it when a cop shows up. Xander stands up for Jack, saying they were just having fun, which earns him a new respect from the bully. Jack proposes they go “get the boys”, and they leave in Xander¹s car. But where “the boys” really are is in the cemeteryŠ they¹re dead.

At the library, Buffy, Willow and Giles are researching, with werewolf-Oz growling and thrashing in the cage; Willow thinks he may be sensing something¹s amiss. Giles decides to go to Restfield cemetery and try to contact some Spirit Guides, hoping to enlist their help in stopping the Sisterhood of Jhe. He manages to invoke them, but they refuse to help him. Just as he prepares to leave, Xander arrives ­ he¹s been watching as Jack raised his friends from the dead, and offers Giles to help with whatever is going on, hoping to ditch his new zombie friends. But Giles declines, telling Xander that he should stay out of trouble.

Xander therefore resigns himself to his role as “car guy” for Jack and his friends. As they drive around town, one of them, a jock named Bob, decides he wants to “bake a cake”, so they stop by a hardware store, which they break into. While he¹s waiting for them to come back with their supplies, Xander spots Willow leaving the magic shop. She informs him the big thing that¹s happening is for tonight, tells him that she loves him, and runs off. He wants to go after her, but the zombie guys are back with the supplies, which they store in his car before deciding that they want to “initiate” him into their gangŠ by killing him and raising him from the dead.

Thoroughly freaked, Xander runs away and escapes in his car. As he drives away, he spots Faith fighting one of the Sisterhood of Jhe; he gives her a hand by hitting the demon with his car. Faith then jumps in and they speed away, demons in chase. However, when they get to Faith¹s apartment, they¹ve lost their pursuers.

Inside, Faith¹s libido takes the best of her ­ she tells Xander that a fight with no kill makes her ready to pop ­ and they have sex. It¹s all pretty romantic, until Faith throws Xander out, his clothes in his hands, telling him that she has to shower.

Xander gets back into his car, finds the stolen goods from the hardware store, and realizes that “baking a cake” means building a bomb. He goes to find Buffy, but finds her crying with Angel, arguing about what to do, since the end of the world is at hand. Xander decides it¹s not a good time to interrupt and leaves.

At Sunnydale High, Willow and Giles are preparing a spell in the library. Below them, Jack and his friends are putting together their bombŠ A few minutes later, as they walk calmly in the street, they spot Xander in his car and chase after him. Xander gets one of them, Parker, to grab hold of the car as he drives on, and to hold on long enough for Xander to learn where the bomb is. Then, Parker is decapitated by a passing mailbox. Xander heads for the school, still chased by the rest of the guys.

A rather funny scene follows as Xander runs through the school corridor, pursued by the zombies, passing in front of the library where Giles, Willow, Buffy, Angel and Faith, unaware of the other plot going on behind them, are busy fighting a giant multi-headed monster. Xander manages to dispose of Bob the jock by tipping a pop vending machine over him, and then the monster gives him a hand by eating another one of his pursuers. Xander heads down to the boiler room to try and disarm the bomb, which by now is less than two minutes away from blowing up. However, Jack, understandably, doesn¹t want him to succeed, and they fight. As the last minute ticks away, Xander gets the upper hand, playing a nerve game with Jack, who finally cracks and stops the bomb with a mere two or three seconds to go. After both of them sigh in relief, Jack opens the door to flee, but is attacked by werewolf-Oz.

The next day, the rather battered Scoobies ­ Buffy¹s arm is in a sling, Giles¹ arm is in a cast and Willow¹s face is bruised ­ are discussing the near-Apocalypse, when Xander comes along. Not knowing about his adventures, they tell him how lucky he is not to have been at school the previous night. Cordelia approaches and again tries to humiliate him, but he just looks at her with a confident smile and walks away, as she asks him, annoyed, “What? What?Š What?”

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“Funny episode. Not the best Xander-centric ep ever. And not even really accurate in it’s own mythology, but still entertaining.”

DJ Angelus -

“Xander scores with Faith and figures out what cool is. An ep most people can relate to.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, C=Cordelia, O=Oz, A=Angel, J=Joyce, PS=Principal Snyder, T=Mr. Trick, F=Faith, JO=Jack O’Toole

B: Willow, you okay? W: Yeah, I’m fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.

B: If it weren’t for that clouding spell… W: Yeah, it went good. Nothing melted like last time.

F: These babes were wicked rowdy. What’s their deal?

G: I was aware that there was a nest here, but, quite frankly, I expected it to be vampires. These are new. B: And improved.

W: Are you okay? X: Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it. B: Xander, one of these days you’re gonna get yourself hurt. F: Or killed. B: Or both. And, you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn’t be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be… fray-adjacent. X: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head? F: Yeah, that was real manly how you shrieked and all. X: I think you’ll find that was more of a bellow.

B: Should I burn them? W: I brought marshmallows! … Occasionally, I’m callous and strange.

G: I’m more interested in finding what they are, and whether we can expect more of their kind. B: I hope not. They’re way too fit.

X: But gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I’ll never be a good reporter. G: Hmm? X: Jimmy Olsen jokes are pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh? G: Sorry.

JO: What are you, retarded? X: No. No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

JO: We’re gonna kick your ass until it’s a brand new shape.

C: Boy, of all the humiliations you’ve had I’ve witnessed, that was the latest.

C: O’Toole would macram� your face. He is a psycho… which is still a lot cooler than being a wuss.

X: Why is it that I’ve come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I’m still afraid of a little bully like Jack O’Toole? C: Because, unlike all those other creatures that you’ve come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there. X: Why am I surprised by how comforting you’re not?

C: “Cool.” Look it up. It’s something that a subliterate that’s repeated 12th grade three times has and you don’t.

C: There was no part of that that wasn’t fun.

X: You’re in a band. That’s like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after take-off. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? O: Not the way I play it. X: Okay, but on the other hand… Eighth grade, I’m taking the flugelhorn and getting zero trim, so the whole instrument thing could be a mislead.

X: What do I have? O: An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special. X: Now with the mocking.

B: And they’re here in Sunnydale for what, Demon Expo? G: Buffy, this is no laughing matter. B: Hence my no laughing.

B: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died? W: Every nightmare I had that doesn’t revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test, and naked.

B: What is this? X: What do you mean, what is this? It’s my thing. W: Your thing? X: My thing. B: Is this a penis metaphor?

B: It’s nice. X: Could you sound a little less enthused? B: Sorry. W: Evil. X: Big? B: Biggest.

C: Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to trust you with this daredevil mission. X: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds. C: Oh, again I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.

Girl: How does she handle? X: Like a dream about warm sticky things.

X: Angel! Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?

X: You know, it’s not like I haven’t helped before. I’ve done some quality violence for these people.

B: “Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors…” Eww. “…celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.” They couldn’t just pour Gatorade on each other?

X: I’m really sorry about that, but your car came out of nowhere. JO: I was parked.

JO: Where do you want it? X: I’m fairly certain I don’t want it at all. But, uh, thank you. Girl: Wow. Cool knife. X: Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword. JO: She’s called Katie. X: You gave it a girl’s name. How very serial killer of you.

JO: Are you scared? X: Would that make you happy?

JO: Don’t you feel pathetic? X: Mostly, I feel Katie. JO: You know what the difference between you and me is? X: Again, Katie’s springing to mind.

Girl: I want to go for a ride. I’m bored. X: Oh, gee, I’m really sorry my life-and-death situation isn’t exciting enough for you.

JO: I like you. X: Yay?

JO: Bob. You big, hideous corpse – come here!

X: this time of night, I’m pretty sure nothing’s open. //crash// But they’re always open for crime. Okay, now I’m involved in crime. I’m the criminal element. Having a car sure is cool.

Corpse #2: You want to be part of the gang, now don’t you? X: Yes. Yes, but I’m not dying to be in the gang, if you get the pun there. Bob: What, are you too good to be dead? You got a problem with dead people?

Corpse #2: Let’s kill Xander. It’ll be fun.

F: A fight like that and no kill. I’m about ready to pop. X: Really? Pop? F: you up for it? X: Oh, I’m up. I’m suddenly very up. It’s just, um, I’ve never been up with people before. F: Just relax… and take off your pants. X: Those two concepts are antithetical. F: Don’t worry. I’ll steer you around the curves.

X: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can’t believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs.

X: Okay, I can work this out. I just got to figure out what they’d be likely to bomb.

X: All right. I’m going to ask you this once, and you better pray you get the answer right. Corpse #3: Okay, okay. X: How do I defuse… //crunch// Aahh! I probably should have left out that whole middle part.

X: Where’s a Slayer when you need one?

Bob: Good for chopping.

X: Should have learned by now. If you’re gonna play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later… I wasn’t finished! Note to self: less talk.

X: Okay, boiler room. //monster head crashes through wall// Other way.

X: Hello nasty. Less than two minutes. Dumb guy, little bomb. How hard can it be? JO: It just got harder. X: I’m not leaving until that thing’s disarmed. JO: I guess you’re not leaving.

JO: I’m gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy.

JO: First the eyes, then the tongue. I’ll break every one of your fingers. X: You gonna do all that in 49 seconds?

JO: I’m not afraid to die. I’m already dead. X: Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn’t walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It’s little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don’t think you’re ready for that. Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers