Beer Bad

Writer: Tracey Forbes Director: David Solomon

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Seth Green as Oz, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles. Main guest stars : Adam Kaufman as Parker Abrams, Marc Blucas as Riley, Paige Moss as Veruca, Lindsay Crouse as Maggie Walsh, Eric Matheny as Main Caveman, Stephen M. Porter as Jack the pub manager.

Original broadcast date : November 2, 1999

My one-line description: Beer is the great equalizer of sexes… It turns us all into Neanderthals.

Buffy is fighting vampires in the graveyard when Parker arrives and gets caught in the line of fire. She orders him to get down, and dusts the vampires. He thanks her for saving his life, and asks for forgiveness for how he treated her… Buffy jerks awake in her Psychology class and spots Parker sweet-talking yet again to another girl. Meanwhile, Professor Walsh is talking about Freud’s theory of the id, the ego and the superego. The id, she says, works only on the pleasure principle – it wants. Buffy, upon hearing this, slips back into her vampire-slaying daydream, only this time Parker has his shirt open, and bears some roses and a quart of ice cream. Later that day, Willow and Buffy are studying outside when Xander flicks a lighter in the Slayer’s face, offering to listen to her life drama. Apparently, he’s rehearsing to be a bartender – he’s just got the job at the campus pub. When the girls inform him that he’s not old enough, he pulls out a fake ID card – complete with mustache, making him look somewhat like Alex Trebek. In his ideal vision of his new job, he lights cigarettes and listens to people’s problems. Buffy doesn’t want to indulge him, but Willow does – she invents a story about being pregnant by her step-brother who’d rather be with her best friend, yaddah yaddah. Buffy cuts it short, stating that it’s class time. As the group heads toward campus – with Xander looking very much like the third wheel – Buffy once again theorizes about why Parker doesn’t want to be with her.

That night, Xander starts his job at the pub, drowning under angry students demanding more drinks than he can make. Buffy arrives and (of course) spots Parker sweet-talking a girl (of course). She bumps into Riley, who confirms Willow opinion about Parker, that is, that he’s a major girl-chaser who “sets’em up and knocks’em down”. Xander tries his problem-listening routine on a cute girl, but she happens to have a very well-educated male friend with whom Xander can’t compete. They guy buries him in intellectual babble and deliberately embarrasses him. Xander tries to take revenge by asking the guy for ID, but Jack, the pub owner, asks him to just give him the pitcher of Black Frost he asked for. Spotting Xander, Buffy tells him that she was wrong about Parker, and that she’s a slut and an idiot. Xander wants to comfort her, but is called back to work. Buffy turns to leave, but is accosted by four good-looking guys – including the one who made fun of Xander – and they offer to buy her a beer, which she accepts. The group quickly gets very drunk, Buffy included. Across town at the Bronze, Willow is telling Oz that she copied class notes for him, since he missed Psychology. But Oz’s attention is quickly drawn elsewhere; a band takes the stage, and he seems oddly fascinated by the female singer. Willow tries to draw him back, asking if he knows the singer. He indicates he doesn’t, but keeps staring, as a very disturbed Willow looks on. The next morning, in Buffy’s room, a jealous Willow is going on about Veruca, who she says dresses like Faith and has a voice like an albatross. But Buffy isn’t quite listening to her. Sitting way too close to the TV, she’s marvelling at the bright colors and tiny little people (huh?). Willow gets alarmed, especially when Buffy confesses she had “another night of badness”. Willow assumes that means she slept with Parker again, but Buffy says it was four smart guys – causing Willow to be even more horrified. But the Slayer goes on to say that they just had beer, which was “foamy and comforting”. Then, getting up, she tries to leave for class – until Willow points out that she’s still in her PJ’s. In Psychology class, Buffy notices a girl in front of her eating a sandwich; extending her hand, she snatches the sandwich and bites into it, eliciting an angry stare from said girl and a worried glance from Willow. To the redhead’s question as to whether she’s OK, Buffy answers “Sure, why wouldn’t I be?” Somewhere, someone is brewing a rather ominous potion, which drips into a keg of Black Frost… That night, Buffy goes back to the pub and once again gets completely hammered with her new friends. The conversation is no longer very intellectual – we hear remarks like “You stupid”, “No, you stupid!” A very tense and worried Xander, cleaning the bar, looks on, so preoccupied that when a depressed girl comes up and asks him for a light, he just holds up a no-smoking sigh to her. At the dorm, Willow runs into Oz, who informs her that he’s going to play with Shy, Veruca’s band. She tells him she’s not interested, and they go their separate ways. At the pub, Xander turns on the jukebox, which fills Buffy with a childlike fascination. He tells her that he’s cutting her off. “Want beer!” Buffy drunkenly shouts, but Xander sends her home, saying that “Beer bad”. Willow goes to the Grotto, the campus student lounge, and spots Parker. She goes over to him and berates him for his behaviour with Buffy. An innocent-looking Parker wonders why people can’t come together and create something beautiful for one night, and then move on. He then says he’s sorry if he hurt Buffy, and compliments Willow on being such a good friend to her. The redhead’s resolve seems to waver… Back at the pub, the guys are now dead drunk, and heavily tip Xander – apparently they can’t count money anymore. One of them goes to the restrooms, and emerges as a cave-man – bare-chested, long-haired, strong-jawed. The other guys also transform into cavemen, and start wreaking havoc till Xander chases them away with his lighter. He runs to see Jack, the manager, and tells him what’s happened. But Jack just says that it serves them right, acting like they’re better than everyone else. He’s the one who spiked the beer to play a practical joke on them, and he says that it’ll wear off in a couple of days. However, Xander suddenly grows very worried about Buffy and leaves… Outside, the cavemen are climbing tress, beating each other over the head with sticks, and laughing at each other. One of them gets hit by a car, and the others smash the car with their clubs. Then they see a couple of girls, and start chasing them. Xander arrives at the dorm with Giles, who is angry that Xander served Buffy the beer. They enter the room – and find a dishevelled Buffy drawing little people on the wall with her lipstick. At the Grotto, Parker is just finishing up his sweet-talk to Willow, taking her by the hand and telling her how much he’s enjoyed their conversation. Willow looks quite seduced, until she asks him a question – “How gullible do you think I am?” She laughs at him, saying that men haven’t changed since the dawn of time. And just then, men from the dawn of time burst into the place – the cavemen. Willow and Parker both get knocked out. Back in Buffy’s room, Giles and Xander watch, distraught, as Cave-Slayer swings on her swivel chair. Then Buffy tells Xander she wants beer, but Giles won’t permit it – so she pushes him aside and leaves. Xander and Giles split up to look for her. At the Grotto, the cavemen have discovered how to make a fire – but they haven’t figured out how to stop it, and they flee in terror as it spreads, trapping Willow and Parker and other people. Outside, Xander spots Buffy just as she smells the flames and goes down to see what’s going on. She grabs a fire extinguisher, vaguely knowing that it’s supposed to do something – she throws it in the fire, which of course doesn’t do much good. Then she sees Willow, still unconscious, and her instincts kick in. Grabbing her friend, she takes her up to a window and helps her to get out. By that time, Parker has come to and is still caught in the fire. She clobbers him with a stick, then drags him out through the window. Outside, Xander has locked the cavemen into a van, and Buffy is obviously interested in them – until Parker comes up, thanks her for saving him, and asks for forgiveness. After a moment of thought, Buffy whacks him unconscious again. Xander then asks Buffy what she’s learned about beer. “Foamy!” answers the Slayer. Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“I always had this episode lower rated, but for some reason I’ve seen it about 8 times. It might be SMG’s acting. Whatever the case, I’ve slowly started to love this ep.”

DJ Angelus - “What did we learn about Beer? Foamy. Parker gets what he deserves. Now on with the season.”

Quotes

(B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, O=Oz, J=Joyce, R=Riley, P=Parker, SG1=Smart guy 1, SG2=Smart guy 2)

X: Rough day? Come on, Buff, be a lonely drunk.

X: Rough day? B: Stop flicking at me. X: Work with me here. I’m finally an essential part of your college-y life. No more looking down on the townie. I’m the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face. W: Aren’t you too young to be a bartender? X: Au contraire, mon frere. B: “Mon frere” means brother. X: Mon girl-frere. Behold. < shows patently fake ID > W: I don’t believe this is entirely on the up-and-up. X: What gives it away? W: Looking at it.

X: Now I’m the bartender, I kick people out. B: You know there’s more to it than wiping and kicking? Mixing drinks, for instance. X: Oh, I’ve seen “Cocktail.” I can do the hippy-hippy shake.

B: Well, even if I had a pretend cigarette, I couldn’t tell you my pretend problems. Real ones have clogged up my head space.

W: I’m pregnant by my step-brother, who’d rather be with my best friend, and he’s left me with no place to live, no food except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up. < pause > That was me being tanked and friendless for ya. X: Gets my Oscar nod.

B: Don’t guys sometimes keep the girls they really, really like inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything’s perfect? I mean, they do that, right? X: How’s that fugue state coming along? W: Parker! B: Maybe I’m in his bubble, and then, pretty soon, he’s gonna realize that he wants more than just bubble Buffy, and he’ll pop me out, and we’ll go to dinner and… it could happen, right? W: Buffy that is my best friend, you need to think about not-Parker. He’s no good. There are men - better men – wherein the mind is stronger than the penis. X: Pfft! Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud. Very unseemly.

W: I’m sorry to be so coarse, but I feel strongly about stinky Parker-man.

B: I’m telling you, I think that he has intimacy problems because of the death of his father. W: Not interested. You got troubles, tell ’em to the bartender.

X: Ice water. Do you want that on the rocks?

B: Oh, Riley - so sorry. R: You know, most people go around. I’m not saying you can’t tunnel through me, I just think the other way’s quicker. B: In my defense, you do take up a lot of space. R: I do. I’m ungainly.

R: Parker and his latest conquest. You know, that boy should have his attention span checked.

SG1: It sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds, possibly debating the geo-political ramifications of bioengineering. You have a take on that? X: I’ve got beer. You want some beer?

B: If he were tied and gagged, and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent, it wouldn’t really be like I killed him, really. X: Buffy… B: I’m a slut. X: No. B: Idiot. X: No.

B: I just… I seem to be bumping into people today. SG2: Can’t imagine anybody minding.

SG1: You’re a very beautiful girl who should be covered with men. And, can we be those men?

O: Hey, you got a table. W: I had to kill a man. O: Well, it’s a really good table.

SG1: The thing that the modern-day pundits fail to realize is that all the socioeconomic and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer. B: My mother always said beer is evil. SG1: Evil, good - these are moral absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops.

SG1: Beer! Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil, there would be “kinda nice” and “pretty cool.”

B: You guys really love to hear yourselves speak, don’t ya?

W: “My name is Veruca. I’m in a band.” “Oh, I’m Oz. I’m in a band, too. Oh, and this is Will.” “Oh, how fun, a groupie.” Groupie! Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick - dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross? B: TV is a good thing. Bright colors. Music. Tiny little people. W: What have you done with Buffy? B: I’m suffering the afterness of a bad night of… badness. W: You didn’t. Not with Parker again. B: No. With four really smart guys. W: Four?? Oh. Ow.

B: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came… beer. W: And then group sex? B: Pffft! Gutterface. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It’s nice. Foamy… comforting. It’s… beer.

W: He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today we’ll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.

W: Two Veruca shows in two nights? You sure you want to share your groupie? I think I’m just gonna study. ’Cause of the fun.

B: Huh, huh, huh! It sings. Like it. X: It’s time to go home, Buffy. B: Want more singing. Want more beer! X: No, I’ve cut you off. B: Did it hurt?

B: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good. X: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go home… and go to bed. B: Say ’bye. X: Bye. B: Bye.

W: I’m tired of you men and your… man-ness.

W: In fact, she’s in need of a big mental tidy.

W: She shared something very intimate with you, and you act like it’s nothing more than a bag of… some kind of snack food. P: Willow, I’m not sure I need to explain my actions here. But if that’s what you want… W: Yes. Followed by an admission of undeniable guilt, but go on.

SG1: Fire… fire pretty. X: Fire angry!

X: We got a problem. The guys… they… they’re… Some of your patrons are turning into cavemen. Jack: They had it coming.

Jack: That’s the great thing about beer. It makes all men the same.

Jack: Neat, huh? My brother-in-law’s a warlock. He showed me how to do the… X: No! No neat.

X: Uh, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they seriously started questing for fire?

X: You’re a bad, bad man.

G: I can’t believe you served Buffy that beer. X: I didn’t know it was evil. G: You knew it was beer. X: Well, excuse me, Mr. “I spent the 60’s in an electric-kool-aid funky-Satan groove.” G: It was the early 70’s, and you should know better.

W: You know, I’m wondering something about you. P: What? W: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes, and your shy smile, and your ability to talk openly only to me. You’re unbelievable.

W: That’s right, I’ve got your number, Id-boy.

W: I mean, you men! It’s all about the sex. Find a woman, drag her to your den. do whatever’s necessary, just as long as you get the sex. I tell you, men haven’t changed since the dawn of time.

G: Well, she doesn’t appear to be in any immediate danger. Maybe you should stay with her. B: Boy smell nice. G: Or perhaps she should be left alone.

B: Buffy want beer. G: You can’t have beer. B: Want beer! X: Giles, don’t make cave-Slayer unhappy.

X: Can’t find the beer? Good. Freshman girl not able to hold the beer. Shouldn’t have it. Get into trouble.

B: Fire bad!

X: Did you guys have enough fun for one night? W: Yes, please. B: Buffy tired.

X: And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer? B: Foamy! X: Good. Just as long as that’s clear.

X: Anyways, I think the boys in the car are contained for time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to me.

G: Whose car is that? X: I don’t know. It wasn’t locked. Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers