No Place Like Home

Writer: Doug Petrie Director: David Solomon

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Marc Blucas as Riley Finn, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Main guest stars : Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers, Clare Kramer as the Beast, Charlie Weber as Ben. Original broadcast date : October 24, 2000 My one-line description: If Glory is the Beast, I wonder what the Beauty looks like… In a monastery, two monks run away from something, burst into a large room and barricade the door. Sitting down with another monk, they chant a spell, while something pounds on the door. As they finish their ritual, the door breaks open… Buffy is fighting a vampire in front of an old factory. As she stakes him, a security guard wanders over to her and warns her away. She moves off, but the guard picks up something he thinks she dropped – a glowing orb. He asks her what it is, but she doesn’t know. The next morning, Joyce walks in on Buffy preparing breakfast – actually, Dawn claims it was her and Buffy helped a little. Buffy feels that since her mother hasn’t been feeling well lately, she deserves a break. It seems Joyce’s headaches have returned, and Buffy thinks they should go back to see the doctor. As Joyce cuddles Dawn, she reminds Buffy today is the Magic Box’s grand opening. Still feeling her mom deserves a break – and probably jealous to see her and Dawn sharing quality time – Buffy decides to take her sister with her to the opening. Buffy walks into the magic shop, where a lone Giles is wearing a tall robe and a cute wizard hat. As Buffy stares, he takes them off, embarrassed, and reports that the shop has been open for an hour and that customers should be lining up any moment now. Buffy is still glum about her mother’s condition, and complains about the medical staff not being able to tell them anything. Then Willow enters with Riley, and Buffy takes the opportunity to tell them about the orb she found; Riley suggests he and Buffy go back to the factory to investigate, but Dawn blurts out that Buffy said Riley shouldn’t patrol because of his recent operation, which left him “weak and kitten-y”. An offended Riley goes to the training room to vent his frustration; Buffy, quite upset, tells Dawn they’re going. Willow asks her not to be too hard on her sister, but Buffy argues that Dawn is annoying, even more so now that Joyce is sick. Suddenly, a crashing sound comes from the back of the shop… “Oops”, says Dawn in a small voice. As they enter the house, Buffy and Dawn are still arguing about the item the teen broke, but stop short when they see their mother lying on the couch. Buffy says they’re taking her to the doctor, but Joyce argues she just needs her prescription. At the hospital, Buffy is walking through an emergency room with her mother’s prescription when she runs into Ben, the intern. As they talk, the patient on the gurney Ben is in charge of suddenly tries to rise as the orderlies restrain him; Buffy recognizes him as the security guard from the factory. She tells Ben his patient isn’t crazy, but the guard grabs Buffy’s wrist and tells her Joyce’s medication won’t help. “They’re coming at you!” he shouts, “Don’t think you’re above it, missy! They come through the family! They get to your family!” At the factory, a monk is preparing a ritual using a map of Sunnydale, when something obviously big and strong pounds on the door. “The Beast”, he mutters in fear. Finally, the door crashes in, and a young woman in a tight red dress enters, joyfully announcing that she’s been looking all over for him. At the magic shop, Giles is dealing with his first customers and marvelling at the exchange of goods for money. After congratulating him on becoming a capitalist, Willow reports that she hasn’t found out what the orb is. Other customers come in, including Anya, who starts whining about the “overpriced” conjuring powders. Then Buffy runs in, claiming to have an idea what is making Joyce ill. Picking up the orb, she informs them the guard who found it went crazy; she mentions his ramblings about “them” coming to her through her family, and says that whatever happened to the guy, it made him see through what the rest of them are seeing. At the factory, the monk is tied to a chair and gagged – and heavily bruised – as the Beast interrogates him. Claiming she’s the victim here, she pleads with him to tell her where the Key is. Then, remembering the gag, she rips off the duct tape so he can speak. In Czech, he asks her to kill him. Then, he adds in English that he’ll tell her nothing. Looking hurt, she wishes he could feel what she is feeling. As a security guard, tied up nearby, pleads with her to let him go, she continues venting her frustration on the monk, crying that she needs the Key… She moves into an incoherent rant about how the mortal meatsack comes complete with stink, bile and sweat, and how the birthing must stop… at the crescendo of her rant, she plunges her fingers into the brain of the security guard, and both scream as a bright light emerges from the guy’s head. She releases him and he falls over, mumbling incoherently. “That is so much better”, she says with a sigh. At the shop, Giles is going crazy with all the customers wanting things; Xander tells him to stay British, then moves over to Buffy. She tells him she’s looking for a spell someone put on Joyce to make her ill. Anya suggests an unveiling ritual to let her see the spells that have been cast; Giles mentions a 16th-century magician who used a trance called “lever le voile” to see the traces of the spells his enemies had cast. Buffy decides to try it, and asks what she needs. In her bedroom, Buffy prepares the ingredients for the ritual, with Riley’s help. He wonders if she’s letting him help to make him feel less “cute and kitten-y”, and reassures her that he’s OK. He suggests that instead of trying to take care of him, she let him take care of her. Then he leaves, and Buffy starts meditating. But a knock comes on the door, and Dawn asks what she’s doing. Guessing Buffy is doing magic, she begs her to let her watch, but Buffy refuses. Dawn threatens to tell, but Buffy barks at her to do what she wants, just go. Dawn storms to her room and slams the door. Buffy concentrates again, and meditates until she notices it’s dark all around her. Moving in slow motion, she walks out of her room and goes downstairs. In the living room, she notes that her mother looks dressed up to go out, and Joyce answers that she’s feeling better. As Joyce asks her if she’s OK, Buffy spots a family picture on the wall – on it, Dawn is fading in and out, as if not altogether there. As Joyce leaves the house, Buffy goes upstairs and enters Dawn’s room, noticing that it too is fading in and out of reality – from a normal teenager’s room to a storeroom. Dawn, who is fading in and out of existence, demands who said Buffy could come into her room. “You’re not my sister”, Buffy answers. She snaps out of her trance and grabs Dawn roughly, asking her what she is. Dawn screams for Buffy to let her go, saying she’ll tell Joyce. “You stay away from my mother!” Buffy shouts. She shoves Dawn against the wall, and the two girls just glare at one another. Later, Giles calls to report that the orb Buffy found is called a Dagon Sphere and is used to repel ancient, primordial evil, something that cannot be named. She decides to go back to the factory to look for whoever left the sphere. Giles asks her if she completes the ritual, and Buffy, feeling Dawn’s presence behind her, answers that it didn’t work and hangs up. Dawn asks what she was talking about; “Slayer stuff”, Buffy answers. She tells Dawn she’s going out; Dawn replies that their mom will be back soon, but Buffy says she’ll be back first. Outside, Buffy senses a presence and yanks Spike out of the bushes. She punches him and asks what he’s going here (“Five words or less!”). “Out… for… a walk… bitch,” Spike answers, counting the words on his fingers. He rambles off some vague explanation for his presence, and as she’s in a hurry she tells him she’ll let him off the hook this time. After some strange ramblings about Buffy needing some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard, Spike leaves, and a baffled Slayer notices a pile of cigarette butts where he was… Joyce returns home, not feeling well. Dawn appears and tells her that she doesn’t have to worry about Buffy, and that she’s made Joyce some tea At the factory, Buffy finds the monk, still tied to a chair. As she unties him, the Beast sneaks up playfully behind her. Sensing her presence, Buffy whirls around, but the Beast delivers a backhand that sends the Slayer flying to the other side of the room. Buffy looks stunned at the young woman’s strength. At the Magic shop, Giles, Xander and Willow sigh in relief as the last customer leaves. It’s been a busy day, and they’re beat. Only Anya still seems functional, counting the cash and telling Giles which items need replenishing. Giles offers her a job, and she accepts. Then Willow asks if there’s been any word from Buffy, and he reports that she went to look for whoever left the Dagon Sphere. He’s concerned and hopes she won’t do anything rash. Buffy is just then being thrown against a concrete wall, leaving a visible crack; the Beast grabs both of Buffy’s arms and pins them to her sides, and Buffy answers with a headbutt. Outraged at Buffy’s lack of manners, the Beast swings her against a concrete column, and then sends her flying across the room again. Getting up, Buffy turns her attention back to the monk; she hurries to him and finishes untying him, then moves with him to a large window. They crash through it and fall three floors; Buffy cushions their fall by taking the brunt of the landing. Upstairs, the Beast tries to run after them, but one of her heels breaks off. She stomps the floor in frustration, causing the roof to collapse upon her. Outside, Buffy drags the monk away, but he can’t go further than the gate. He tells her that she has to protect the Key – an energy portal which opens the Door. He explains that his brethren had protected it for centuries until the Abomination found them – so they gave the Key human form and sent it to the Slayer. “Dawn…” Buffy is outraged that they put “that” in her house, but the monk argues that Dawn is human now, human and helpless… and she doesn’t know she’s not Buffy’s sister, he manages to add before dying. Buffy returns home and finds Joyce and Dawn sitting on the couch. Seeing her sister, Dawn storms upstairs, and Buffy follows her. In Dawn’s room, she apologizes for her behaviour, but the teen lays on the guilt trip and the insults. Buffy apologizes again, saying she’s just had a bad day. “Join the club”, Dawn says. After a few more insults, Dawn falls silent as Buffy strokes her hair. “What’s wrong with mom?” she asks. “I don’t know”, Buffy answers.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“Buffy finds out who her sister really is. A good setup to the story arc of the season.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=Dawn, J=Joyce

Vamp: I’ve always wanted to kill the Slayer. B: And I’ve always wanted piano lessons. Really, who’s surprised we have all this unexpressed rage? But honestly, I think I’m expressing mine better. Tell you what… you find yourself a good anger management class, and I’ll jam this pokey wood stick through your heart. < dusts vamp > I think that sets the world speed record for closure.

Guard: Miss, if you’re looking for one of those rave parties, I’m afraid you’re late. I chased a bunch of kids out of here last night. B: Oh. Right. Yeah. Darn. My fellow ravers will be so disappointed. It was my turn to bring the bundt cake.

Guard: What is that thing? B: I’ll let you know as soon as I find out.

B: Dawn, touch nothing. D: Who died and made you the Iron Chef?

J: So neither of you’s pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking.

J: The headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with.

B: So they don’t know what’s wrong? J: Well, not yet. B: Well, that’s unacceptable. I think we should get a second opinion. J: Well, we need a first opinion first, honey.

J: I get to worry about you two, which is a good thing, because you’re a vampire Slayer. And you, you are my little punkin’ belly. D: Mom, that’s, like, my kid name. J: So, I can’t be retro? B: Did you ever have any names for me? J: No, I think you were always just Buffy. D: I got some names for ya.

J: Bring me back a… I don’t know, a flying broomstick, or something. D: Those never really work. J: Whatever.

D: This place is so… wow. I mean, check out all the magic junk. G: Our new slogan.

D: You break it, you bought it. Heard you the first sixty times.

G: Think about it. Sunnydale. Monsters. Supply and demand. They’ll be lining up around the block in no time. B: Yeah, you’ll be making money hand over fist. Which I guess is a good thing…

G: It appears to be paranormal in origin. W: How can you tell? G: Well, it’s so shiny.

D: You can’t patrol. Buffy said. B: No, I didn’t. D: Yeah, remember? You said it’d be easier if you didn’t have to look out for anybody? B: Well, I wasn’t talking about Riley. R: Don’t worry about it. D: Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you’re all weak and kitten-y, and she’d better go solo, or you’d get hurt.

W: I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. ’Cause she’s, you know, a big spaz.

D: We can’t all be born with big, fancy, chosen-one reflexes, you know.

Ben: Not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace, but you got some serious muscles for a girl. B: I, um… Ben: Radioactive spider bite. B: How’d you guess?

G: Did you see that? Customers, real live customers. They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money, and then they left! It’s brilliant!

W: Congratulations. You’re an official capitalist running dog.

A: I’m nearly out of money. I’ve never had to afford things before and it’s making me bitter. G: The change is palpable.

B: We need to find out who’s making my mom sick, and now. W: Then what? B: Then I hunt them… find them… and kill them.

Beast: You know, when you think about it, I’m the victim here. First off – I don’t even want to be here. And I’m not talking about this room or this city or this state or this planet. I’m talking about the whole mortal coil now, you know? It’s disgusting. The food. The clothes. The people. I could crap a better existence than this.

Beast: Forgive me… monk-y. sometimes I get so anxious, like there’s something deep inside of me, and it’s swelling up and it’s making me crazy, that I forget there’s all that duct tape on your face.

Beast: Tell me where the key is, or I’m going bowling.

Beast: The stutter’s sexy, keep it coming.

Beast: Not now! Mommy’s talking.

G: There’s too many of them – people. And they all seem to want things. X: I hear ya. Stay British. You’ll be okay.

X: The thousand-yard stare. Damn, you hate to see it on any man, but especially in retail.

A: Please go. X: Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that “Please go” just got replaced with “Have a nice day.” A: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have? X: No one. It’s just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it. A: Hey, you! Have a nice day. X: There’s my girl!

X: Did you ever think in a million years you’d miss the high school library?

W: Does this look right to you? A: Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet.

R: So, what do I do? B: Lots. Tons. Lots and lots of tons.

R: So you need me to light incense and pour sand? B: Magic incense. And.. and spooky sand.

R: Are you sure this isn’t just your way of trying to make me feel less… what are the words… cute and weak and kittenish? B: Kitten-y. R: Right. Much manlier.

D: What are you doing? B: My boyfriend. Go away.

D: Oh, come on! Please! Please, like, times ten, and cubed! Please?

B: Don’t take this the wrong way, but… < punches Spike in the nose > …what are you doing here? Five words or less. S: Out. For. A. Walk…. Bitch.

S: You know, contrary to one’s self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between… parts… and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I’m outgrowing my whole “burst into flame” phase.

S: The whole crowd-pleasing “threats and swagger” routine. How stunningly original. You know, I’m just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, ’cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life, besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and… and I never really liked you, anyway, and – and you have stupid hair.

B: Best of all… I’m not stupid.

Beast: You sure about that last part?

G: Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges? X: Would that involve moving? W: My feet are numb. X: I’ll see your numbness and I’ll raise you a lower back pain. G: I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. It just seemed so much simpler. A: You’re out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better restock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15%. G: Anya… A: Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it. G: Anya… A: And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check– G: Anya! Would you like a job? A: Okay. G: Good.

X: You’re not worried about the Slaymaster General, are you, Big G? G: No, no. Just hope she doesn’t do anything too rash.

Beast: I just want you to know – this whole “beat you to death” thing I’m doing is valuable time out of my life that I’m never going to get back.

Beast: Wait, I’ve always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms, where if you have one, and you rip it in half, you get two worms? Do you think that’ll work with you?

Beast: Hey, hands off my holy man!

Beast: Oh, sh–

Monk: My journey’s done, I think. B: Don’t get metaphor-y on me.

D: I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you’re the one who’s not my sister, ’cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys, and never told you ’cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings. B: That’s your theory? D: Explains your fashion sense. And smell.

B: I just had a bad day. D: Well, join the club. B: Can I be president? D: I’m president. You could be the janitor. Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers