Classic HMC: An Interview with Illyria and Samwise Gamgee!

Beverly Hills, CA (FU) – Recently, I had the chance to partake in a luncheon at the Beverly Hills Hotel with the two stars of the upcoming film, "The Final Season", about a down-and-out minor league catcher and his tough but loyal manager. It was a great honor for me, as I met the incredibly loyal Samwise Gamgee and the God-like beauty that is Illyria.

Both stars have had busy schedules lately, with Illyria competing in the Miss Universe pageant, and Sam becoming the 6th host of the Family Feud. Lucky for me, they found the time to sit down and answer some questions.

Poobah: So you two star in "The Final Season", a baseball movie…

Sam: I'd prefer not to think of it as a "baseball" movie, seeing as though I don't know what baseball is. Where I come from we play tater ball. Basically the rules are – you toss a tater in the air and the first one to grab it wins.

Poobah: That sounds relatively boring.

Sam: Well, we're talking the shire here. What do you expect?

Poobah: Good point.

*Illyria stares at Poobah, not blinking at all.*

Poobah: Hi. So what about you? Do you like baseball?

Illyria: In my time, we played human ball. We'd toss a human in the air and the first one to eat it won.

*still staring.*

Poobah: Eee. Such a lovely girl.

Illyria: Was that sarcasm? I should pull your weakling inerds out for your insolence.

Poobah: Yes, I guess I deserve that. So Sam, are you looking forward to working with Illyria?

Sam: I don't know her too well. I mean, she's interesting to look at…all blue and everything. But I don't mean to stare at her. I don't mean to.

Poobah: Huh?

Sam: Well, I am married now.

Poobah: Oh, that's right. How's that working out for you?

Sam: To be perfectly honest, if Frodo were back, I'd probably get a divorce.

Poobah: Uh, why's that?

Sam: You saw "Return of the King", right?

Poobah: Yeah?

Sam: I'm a little….in love with him.

Poobah: Obviously.

Sam: So why'd you ask if you knew?

Poobah: Because I wanted to hear you say what we all had a feeling about. You're totally gay.

Sam: No, I'm not TOTALLY gay…whatever gay is. I love my wife, but Mr. Frodo… he butters my taters.

Poobah: Nyack.

*Illyria stares at Samwise*

Illyria: Butters your taters? What is this of which you speak?

Poobah: He's saying he's homosexual for a hobbit.

Illyria: What is 'homosexual'?

Poobah: It's when 2 people of the same gender fall in love with each other.

Illyria: In my time, there was no love….only for a God such as myself. Anyone who fell in love with anything besides me was crushed by my hand.

Poobah: You're such an understanding deity.

Illyria: I try.

*Poobah tries to change the subject*

Poobah: Ok, so neither of you know anything about baseball, and yet they hired you?

Sam: Yes. But I needed a job after we saved middle earth. And the gardening business just isn't what it used to be. Now that Voldemort is dead, people tend to want to go outside and cut their own grass.

Poobah: Voldemort? I think you mean Sauron.

Sam: Whichever. They're both evil, aren't they?

Illyria: Neither Sauron or Voldemort could even touch a hair on my head in my time. They would be castrated and fed their own fecal matter.

Poobah: You paint such vivid pictures.

Sam: I tried to paint a picture once. It was nude of Mr. Frodo. Unfortunently he wouldn't let me continue, seeing how he woke up and all.

Illyria: You are disturbing to my ears.

Poobah: I think I can safely say he's disturbing everyone right now.

Illyria: I wish to do violence. I will go now.

Poobah: Thanks for your time.

Illyria: You are a rodent, but I won't eviscerate you today.

Poobah: I appreciate it. Well Sam, it's been a pleasure.

Sam: Wait! Can I paint you?

Poobah: No.

Sam: AW! Come on! Why not? Gandalf let me.

Poobah: Let's leave that for next time.

I want to thank Illyria for not killing me, and Samwise Gamgee for…well, not forcing me to strip down, I guess. Until next time, this is The Poobah!

This interview first appeared February 23, 2005.