It’s been so long that we missed ourselves. — “Underneath” : The Rant
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Warning: Spoilerish to the amount of 10.
DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition contains strong language and violent situations, and may not be suitable for younger viewers.
Hollywood, California….an office room at Miramax….
*Matt sits behind a desk. He’s on the phone.*
Matt: *on the phone* I’m telling you for the last time, Harvey….I don’t want Sean William Scott in my movie!
*hangs up*
Matt: Damn you, Weinstein! Leave me alone!
*the red phone begins to beep*
Matt: Oh shit! It’s time….finally!
*Matt runs out of the room….passes his secretary…*
Matt: Hold all my calls!
Secretary: What calls?
Matt: You’re fired. *runs out of the building*
Meanwhile in NYC….
*Eric is sitting in a smokey bar, surrounded by a few big guys, they are laughing and drinking vodka heavily. He looks across the bar and sees a tall thin man enter he is holding a briefcase and walking towards the back room.*
Eric: Excuse me fellas, business. *Eric takes another shot of Vodka and walks down the stairs and to his back room offices, where he finds the man waiting.*
Eric: You bring the shit?
Man: All of it.
*Eric pops open the case, which is fill of tightly packed bags filled with a brown substance, he pulls out his pocket knife and punctures on of the bags, tasting the substance*
Man: It’s all good, trust me, grade A Columbian coffee…straight from South America, trust me.
*Eric takes another taste and backhands the man*
Eric: What in the fuck is this, you fucking disrespect me by thinking I wouldn’t know the difference between grade A and Maxwell House! *Eric strikes the man again and draws his silenced pistol*
Eric: I am gonna fucking do you right here! *Eric pulls the hammer back on his gun when suddenly the red phone on his desk rings*
Eric: It’s Time, and you got lucky today pal.
*With that, Eric bolts for the airport.*
8 hours later….in Branson, Missouri….
Matt: *looks at the bright lights and billboards* Man, I really want to see Andy Williams! But damn it all…it’s time….
*Eric’s limo pulls up in front of the HMC Offices just as the star struck Matt*
Eric: Branson? I really hate Matt!
Matt: Eric? Is that you?
Eric: *Eric Steps out of the car* It’s me Matt, been a long time.
Matt: What’s with the shiny blue suit?
Eric: You like it? It goes with my job.
Matt: I thought I was meeting Joe Pesci with a goatee for a second there.
Eric: How have you been, it’s been what, like 6 weeks?
Matt: Yes….6 weeks. 6 long weeks. Man, I have so much to tell you.
Eric: Me too man, me too.
Matt: I’ve made 4 features films…3 with Adam Sandler in them.
Eric: I have risen to the top of the New York Organized crime syndicate and have ordered the death of over 500 people.
*a homeless guy with “poo” tattooed on his forehead walks past Matt and Eric*
Homeless Guy: You motherfuckers be crazy.
*he walks away*
*Eric shoots the homeless guy in the back*
Eric: Sorry…habit.
Matt: Ah well…what can you do? One less person for Paris Hilton to date.
Eric: Matt, It’s time.
Matt: Right-o.
*Matt puts his hand on a security pad, followed by Eric who does the same…*
*The two enter the dusty offices, walking towrds the board room, pulling the sheets off the tables and chairs*
Eric: Everything just like we left it…all our stuff, the janitor’s still not fucking cleaning…
Janitor: Screw yous mang.
Matt: You ate all my bon-bons, fucker!
*opens bon-bon box, and notices nothing is in there*
Janitor: Ju guys can suck my balls, mang.
Matt: Eric…
Eric: You’re fired *Impersonating Trump as he shoots the man*.
Eric: You know I taught Don that…
Matt: I knew it! Well…shall we?
Eric: Oh yes, lets…
*the two flop on the couch*
Eric: *streches* It’s good to be home.
Matt: Welcome kiddies to the return of THE RANT! Matt here with the one and only Eric to bring you our thoughts on “Underneath”!
The poob and prez are back, bitches!
Eric: And we ain’t taking shit from nobody.
*Eric Reloads gun*
Eric: Sorry…habit.
Matt: Speaking of bitches, I guess Gunn is having a fun old time in detention now…
Eric: Yes and it’s about time too, the whole time I was rooting for him to stay…get what he deserves.
Matt: You know, with the exception of Lindsey saying that W&H was just distracting Angel…he really wasn’t worth much in the way of losing a friend and co-worker like Gunn over. I mean, couldn’t have Angel seen what Lindsey told him all along? Come on Angel, we know you aren’t THAT stupid. He may be a poofter, but he isn’t that re-re’ish.
Eric: Well, I am hoping that Lindsey will tell us more in the future, he is supposed to be a Senior Partners expert.
Matt: It better be more info than what we’ve got so far…for his sake.
Eric: Yeah…or he may become Harmony food. Speaking of…did you see who made the opening credits?
Matt: Yep…I certainly did….and it was about time.
Eric: Damn straight.
Matt: At least they didn’t wait as long for her as they did for Andy Hallett.
Eric: Yeah…He was very deserving as well.
Matt: Mercedes has done a great job filling in for Charisma in the comic relief sense. She and Andy have really been great this season.
Eric: Definitely, I have been pleased to see the change in her character. I like her much better than I did before.
Matt: A lot of people say Harm’s Way was a throw away episode, but I disagree. It was funny and important to her character. I’m glad she’s around. We need some female presence. And with Charisma gone, I think Mercedes fits in there nicely.
Eric: Yes, totally fills the void that she left.
Matt: We have to have something in the boob-o-meter. CC’s boobs leave, MM’s boobs take her place.
So should we start singing “The Man They Call Jayne” or pardon the viewing public?
Eric: Let’s do it…
Matt: Yeah, screw ’em.
Matt & Eric *singing*: The Hero of Canton….the man they call JAAAAYNNEE!!!
He punches through Guards with the greatest of ease…
He walks through Wolfram and Hart, he does what he please…
Watch out of you fang gang…you’re messing with the….hero of canton… the man they call….JAYYYYNNEE!!
Eric: I love a good sing along.
Matt: Yeah….Of course, they call him Hamilton now.
Eric: I don’t…so there. Or maybe its Jayne Hamilton?
Matt: Bottom line…we’ll call him what we like…it’s our rant.
Eric: Right, and we still have him tied up in the closet, with the rest of the Firefly cast to act out our Slash Fanfics.
Matt: No one is supposed to know that, dude.
Eric: Oh, sorry.
Matt: It’s called “keeping it on the down-low”.
Eric: No problem, they won’t tell, cause if they do I will have Vinnie put horse heads in their beds.
Matt: Speaking of which, I forgot to call Francis Ford Coppella. Damn my secretary to hell.
Eric: Want me to – you know – her?
Matt: Maybe later.
Eric: Also, what was the thing about layers in this episode? First, Wes’ dream, then the earth stuff…
Matt: Liz Craft and Sarah Fain love photoshop. To think makes my brain hurt.
Eric: I think it is another piece of the Fred puzzle. Remember the joke Wes told? That has to be part of it as well.
Matt: What puzzle though dude? I mean, she’s dead…and her soul is gone.
Eric: That’s not all there is…I know there is more.
Matt: As some blonde with a stake once said…”Explainy?”
Eric: Things are too weird, the layers and earth talk…Then the Figenbaum talk…they are all pieces.
Matt: Ok…well, maybe you’re right. So what you’re saying is, you think she’ll have something to do with the apocalypse?
Eric: Yes, something is going on with Fred. She is coming back…maybe as a goddess or something, I dont know.
Matt: Maybe you just want her to come back so much that you can’t let go?
Eric: But I know they are telling us that she still exists with these clues. I know she is coming back. I know it in my heart.
Matt: Ok….do you need a tissue or a maxipad?
Eric: I need Fred back *Breaks down in tears*
Matt: Oh boy…once the crying starts it doesn’t stop. I don’t have to dive into a mystical energy portal to stop it, do I?
Eric: *sniffling* Screw you, Lee. You refused to eat the entire summer break when Cordy was gone!
Matt: That was different. It was me…not you.
Moving on, how cool is it seeing Spike and Angel get along and work together?
Eric: I love it.
Matt: Spike is so much easier to like without the Buffy/Spike shit getting in the way.
Eric: Yes, back to basics, Spike kicking ass, Angel kicking ass. Spike and Angel kicking mondo ass.
Matt: Yep. It’s just…fun.
Eric: Yes, best season of Angel ever.
Matt: Agreed. Thus far, it really hasn’t let me down. It may be 5X better than the others, as a matter of fact.
Eric: Oh, what about our poor green friend?
Matt: Krevlorneswath of the Vodka clan.
Eric: He had deep feelings for our poor Fred. He and Wes need to be together…
Matt: Gay together? Or mourn together?
Eric: Maybe they could figure out how to get Fred back, you slash perv.
Matt: Hey….you said “Let’s tie up the Firefly cast and gag them in the closet”. Don’t call ME a perv.
Eric: Before you get all sex hyped, let’s hit the all in alls…
Matt: All in all, this was a great returning episode of Angel. It set up the finale pieces about as good as an episode could do….I loved pretty much everything about it…I’ll give it a 9.8.
Eric: I totally agree, a heavy hitter episode I concur with the 9.8 rating.
Matt: Should we got back to our holding cells?
Eric: Lets do it…
*Eric and Matt disintegrate*
See you next week when we rant about “Origin”!
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