To Joss Whee, Thanks For Everything! Mattikins. — “Time Bomb” : The Rant
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Warning: Spoilerish to the amount of 10.
DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition contains strong language that may not be suitable for younger viewers.
Welcome pubes to another edition of the RANT! This week Eric and I get all fancied up and pretty…
Eric: We do what?
*Matt walks into the room dressed in Tim Curry Rocky Horror lingerie*
Matt: I thought you said we were going to do the TIME WARP again?
*Eric looks puzzled and disgusted.*
Eric: No, I said, “Let’s do the Time Bomb Rant, dickhead.” But I can see how you would confuse them.
Matt: Close enough. Well, at least I’m comfortable.
*Matt spreads eagle on the couch*
Eric: *coughs* Transvestite, Transvestite.
You look like Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs.”
Matt: What’s your point?
Eric: No point. Ummm moving on…
Matt: Yeah, I guess I should call the cover band and tell ’em we don’t need ’em. Ah well, maybe after the rant.
Eric: You didn’t kill Meat Loaf, did you? Last time you tried, he sued us.
Matt: He had it coming!
Eric: Sure he did, Warren.
Matt: Ok….So Time Bomb….right…
Eric: Right. This episode was a total crap fest. I am talking crap O’ rama.
Matt: What the fuck are you talking about?!
Eric: Calm dawn. Just keeping you on your pointed toes, Frankfurter. I very much enjoyed Time Bomb.
Matt: Now you see Illyria….now you don’t! It was like a dimensional game of hide-and-go-seek….or peek-a-boo, even.
Eric: …and thankfully Angel peeked.
Matt: Yeah, but you didn’t actually believe Spike, Lorne and Wes were all going to die in a matter of 20 seconds, did you?
Eric: No. When Spike got staked you were like “wait a tick”, but when they all died you knew it would be changed.
Matt: Right. So let me get this straight…Illyria wasn’t being able to control herself any longer in Fred’s body, thus causing a cataclysmic problem in time?
Eric: No. She was too powerful for the body to hold her essence.
Matt: Ok..ok….my head hurts, but I get it.
Eric: The time shifts were caused by her leaking energy….or her outfit is to tight, not sure which.
Matt: It would be easier for that to be the reason. Ok, ok. This all too Trek for me.
Eric: Matt, laptops are too Trek for you.
Matt: LAPTOPS??!! WHERE???!!
*Matt leaps off his feet, and goes paranoid*
Eric: For the last time, laptops are not evil Gremlins who will eat your brain while you shower. They are portable computers…PORTABLE!
Matt: Fine. *huffs and sits down*
Eric: *mutters to himself* Like you have something for them to eat anyhow.
Matt: Alrighty….so anyway, have you forgiven Gunn yet?
Eric: Yes, offically.
Matt: Wow…I’m shocked.
Eric: I loved Illyria breaking him out, and putting the necklace on the torture guy.
Matt: Yeah, but don’t you find it conveniant that the ray gun that Wes had leaks some of Illyria’s energy away, thus causing her God-likeness to fade, and yet still have JUST ENOUGH power to inflict major damage, so she can be a superpower member of the group and help out for the last 3 episodes?
Eric: No…*as George W* Um Next Qweshton…
Eric: *Continuing* You see da thing about Jossverse security is that you have to confugurate for every possable senrolie…
Matt: HEH? Give it a rest, George.
Eric: *still continuing as GWB* Dis is all outlined in my statements made to the 5/19 commission.
Matt: Alright! We get it!
Eric: Jossverse Security is very importante. I don’t think you get it, Mike. My Daddy says so.
Matt: *starts talking like Condi Rice* Go to bed, Mr. President!
Eric: *clears throat* Sorry about that, I must have some republican in me.
Eric: I know, but she was cute. *rim shot*
Matt: Oh yeah, and what about Boreanaz’s wife in the episode?
Eric: She was in it?
Matt: Yeah, she was the preggers chick. The one who talked like a piece of wood.
Eric: Wait, I thought that DB and you…and stuff…
Matt: Hey! That can’t be proven!
Eric: Matt, don’t let our…um…your feelings for DB make us jealous of her.
Matt: Listen, that was a long time ago, and my past doesn’t need to be brought up. But that still doesn’t change the fact that she can’t act her way out of a paper bag. Although she would probably go for plastic. *rim shot*
Eric: *Drops Subject* God, am I thirsty…
*Reaches for Matt’s water and spills it*
Matt: LAPTOPS??!! WHERE???!!
Eric: Wait! Didn’t this already happen? I already told you this…
You are like a starfish envying the sponge man you live with.
Matt: Wait…you’re right….this is all…
Eric: I swear didn’t this just happen though?
Matt: Yeah…yeah….AHHH!!! *gets a migraine*
The one who talked like a piece of wood.
What the fuck??!!
Eric: Umm….what about Lorne the Undercover Demon with his walking product placement?
Matt: Motorolla? Oh wait…Verizon. Got it…I’m slow.
Eric: No, Nextel.
Matt: Yeah, and why did Angel have to slap him upside the head anyway?
Eric: Yeah really, he was doing what he was told.
Matt: I know Lorne said that was “immature”, but I found it cruel and unusual.
Eric: Yeah, really.
Matt: Angel was kind of a bastard in this. And what about the ending? What’s that about?
Eric: Angel is playing right into W&H hands.
Matt: Maybe it’s to keep the senior partners thinking that he doesn’t know what he knows, and maybe slide into the apocalypse knowing more than what they wanted him to know, ya know?
Eric: Or maybe not.
Matt: Or maybe.
Eric: Angel should be looking for ways to attack them.
Matt: I think he’s tried.
Matt: I think he’s just playing the game until the time is right.
Eric: They all are, but Spike. Illyria needs to watch out, if she keeps hitting Spike he’s gonna fall in love with her.
Matt: Yeah, watch out Illyria….unless you want a blonde vampire to make a dummy of you and a shrine in his crypt basement. Watch out for dumpsters too.
Eric: All in all I give this a 9.2. With Crazy Wes, asshole Angel, and a horny Spike, I felt the episode was well-rounded, and I think Illyria was in it some too.
Matt: All in all, it was pretty good. Not on par with the last 4 episodes, but you knew there had to be a heavy-on-the-Illyria-speak episode somewhere in here. I give it a 9.0.
That’s it for today, kiddies! We’ll be back next week with the RANT for “The Girl In Question”!
Eric: …and hopefully Matt will be wearing clothes.
Matt: Hopefully. *wink*
Matt: Nothing like ending with some regurgitation.
Matt’s Rating: 9.0
Eric’s Rating: 9.2