Winona Wednesday Exclusive: Winona Ryder to Resurrect the Dead!

Breaking news this Winona Wednesday as Winona Watch reported only moments ago that hints of Ryder’s alleged relation to being Christ are leaking through the actress’s own lips. Could it be that a prophetic dream received only one week ago might actually be true? We believe so, but we refuse to be anything but impartial due to the sensitivity of this material. Viewer discretion is advised.

While many remain skeptical, most of us here at the Locker Room are arriving at newfound faith in the Lord Jesus Christ through this amazing turn of events that is the prophetic power of cartoon penguins who sing songs on the ice. Intern Danny White told us just seconds ago that, “I never imagined working for a website named after ‘hell’ would lead me to be so close to the Lord.”

For the story, we went live to the source. No, not Winona this time, but rather the words that left her very own vocal chords. Because if you don’t believe us, consider Winona’s own comments and then judge the merits of the case for yourself. We guarentee you that you'll find this story hard to place away or mark as mere coincidence… unless you're a heathen.

The story began when Winona was completing a routine interview, answering the normal array of questions that consisted of insanely personal and useless jargon until the topic turned to her hopes for a Heathers sequel. The actress was asked about what she hoped would see the light of day in terms of a second chapter if one was to see fruition.

Her reply expressed a great amount of hope that Christian Slater’s character would be resurrected from the dead. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Where once was a corpse, Winona has intentions to breathe life. In her own words, the alleged Savior commented, “He died at the end. I want him to come back as sort of the Obi-Wan (Kenobi).”

Those confused about the comparison might consider the following image that was submitted to us by an anonymous source and close friend of ours here at the Locker Room, Ben Bowman:

The picture is believed to be the first of many the star allegedly has plans to leak to the press in hopes that the concept of Slater's resurrection will reach the eyes and ears of the writer and director.

And in that sense, through the creative minds of those she influences… Winona Ryder may very well be on her way to raising the dead. And if that’s not proof that she's Jesus Christ… we sure as hell don’t know what is.

We'll have more as we hear it, so stay close and stay tuned.