Flooded

Writers: Doug Petrie and Jane Espenson Director : Doug Petrie

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars : Amber Benson as Tara, Adam Busch as Warren, Danny Strong as Jonathan, Tom Lenk as Andrew, John Jabaley as Tito the Plumber, Todd Stashwick as M’Fashnik, and Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Original broadcast date : October 16, 2001

Buffy wanders stealthily in a basement, bearing a dangerous-looking weapon. Suddenly, she looks up to a dripping pipe and says “So… we meet at last, Mr. Drippy!” The weapon turns out to be… a wrench. As she steps up on a bench to fix the leak, Dawn sits on the stairs, phone in hand, asking Buffy if she wants to call a plumber instead. Buffy impatiently tells her sister that she’s got it, and indeed she tightens the pipe, sealing off the leak. But a strange creaking sound is heard, and in three or four places, the pipes burst open, dousing Dawn who flees upstairs screaming. Discouraged, Buffy mutters, “There! All better…”

Willow, Tara and Dawn are fixing breakfast while Buffy just stares absently at a stream of water running from the kitchen faucet. Alarmed at Buffy’s fascination with the water, Willow turns the faucet off, and Buffy snaps back into focus. Xander arrives up from the basement with Tito, Plumber Extraordinaire, who tells Buffy she needs a full copper re-pipe job. After Tito leaves, the Scoobies examine the staggering bill, and Buffy dismissively says that they’ll pay him, no big deal. Uneasy, the Scoobies tell Buffy that there’s something they need to talk to her about.

Sitting on the couch with a flood of bills, Buffy realizes she’s near broke. Tara explains that the hospital bills and funeral costs ate up all of Joyce’s insurance. As they look for a solution, Anya suggests Buffy start charging for her slaying services. When the others dismiss the idea as ridiculous, Anya looks to Xander for support, in vain. She storms off, angry; Xander runs after her, and they get into an argument about the fact that he doesn’t want their friends to know about their engagement. Taking off, Anya asks Xander when he’s going to grow up.

Inside the house, despite the gravity of the situation, Buffy tells Willow, Tara and Dawn that she’ll fix the problem… somehow.

Cut to a bank office, where Buffy, dressed for success, is practicing applying for a loan. The actual meeting with the loan director doesn’t go well, though – Buffy can’t get a loan since she has no collateral and, most importantly, no job. Just then, a demon crashes through the window and scares the clients away. “No job?”, Buffy protests. “I wish!”

She walks up to the demon and tries to kick him, but her long, conservative dress hampers her kick and she gets thrown across the room. Borrowing the loan director’s letter opener, she slits her skirt and then charges back at the demon. As they fight, masked robbers take the money from the cash registers. After they take off, the demon also leaves. Not the least frazzled, Buffy sits back down with the loan director to discuss rates…

Later, at the Magic Box, Buffy is training while Willow expresses outrage at the fact that her friend still couldn’t get a loan. Then, noticing that Buffy is angry, she tries to turn up the heat by confessing to affairs with both Riley and Angel… When Buffy asks her what the Hell she’s doing Willow tries to explain that since she’s been back, Buffy hasn’t been big on emotions, but she finally backs down.

Out in the shop, Anya once again tries to convince Xander to announce their engagement, but he wants to wait until Willow and Buffy are there. Meanwhile, Dawn pleads with Tara to let her help in research, and the witch grudgingly agrees. By a pure stroke of luck, Dawn finds the demon – a M’Fashnik (as in Mmmm, cookies). When Buffy steps out of the training room, Dawn proudly shows her the demon, prompting a rather unpleased retort from Buffy (“You do research now? Wanna mochacchino and a pack of cigarettes to go with that?”)

Buffy does look at what Dawn has found and recognizes her demon – but then she stares at the door, dumbfounded. Giles is there… She runs to him and hugs him hard – almost crushing his rib cage – and after he marvels at her strength and tells her how she was always a miracle, he goes to the training room with her, to find out how she really is. But she evades the subject, just referring vaguely to her nightmares.

Later, Giles examines the data they found on the M’Fashnik, and wonders who might be powerful enough to hire and control such a mercenary demon…

In a basement somewhere, the M’Fashnik is throwing a fit in front of his controllers… three nerds – our old friend Jonathan, Warren the bot builder, and Andrew, the brother of Tucker from “The Prom”. He demands the Slayer as payment for his services, but obviously, the nerds – at least Jonathan and Andrew – don’t want her dead. After the three discuss among themselves, Warren goes to the M’Fashnik and gives him Buffy’s address, thoroughly washing his hands of the problem.

At the Summers house, Buffy prepares a bed for Giles on the couch, and the two of them talk about her financial problems. He promises to help her find a solution, then affectionately extends his hand to touch her, but she coldly draws away, leaving.

Later that night, Willow comes into the kitchen to find Giles busying himself with dishes. They have a talk about the spell that brought Buffy back, and Giles has some harsh words, calling her a “rank amateur” and a “very foolish girl” for dabbling irresponsibly with those kinds of forces. Willow reacts rather badly, even going so far as to threaten Giles with her power. Finally, the two agree to sleep over it. But Buffy is outside on the back porch, feeling crappy after hearing Giles and Willow fight. Spike comes up to her and sits beside her, a sympathetic ear as she rants about life and money…

Even later that night, Giles is still up when Dawn comes downstairs, also having trouble sleeping. Dawn proposes they mix up different kinds of cereals to pass the time, but the party is crashed – as well as the front door – when the M’Fashnik barges in. It knocks Giles unconscious and goes for Dawn, but an ever-vigilant Buffy catches him in the act and starts knocking it around, wincing as the demon breaks a designer lamp and the coffee table.

Spike runs in and tackles the demon; Buffy shouts for him to direct the M’Fashnik to the flooded basement, where she and it fight in three feet of water… The demon latches on to one of the expensive pipes, prompting an outraged exclamation from Buffy, and she launches herself at it, armed with a length of pipe, clobbering him to death while shouting, “No… copper… repipe! No… full… copper… repipe!!!”

In another basement, Jonathan lights a cigar with a dollar bill, as the nerds celebrate their getting away with robbery. They make plans, which include making Buffy their willing sex bunny… Meanwhile, at the Summers house, the Scoobies attempt to clean up the damage, while a dispirited Buffy confessed to Giles that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to make things work. As he reassures her, the phone rings, and Buffy goes to answer. She comes back, agitated, telling Giles and Dawn that she’s going to meet Angel, out of town. Barely letting Giles bid her goodbye, she rushes out the door.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“Enter the trio. Beware!”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, J=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew, MD=M’Fashnik Demon, LO=Loan Officer

B: So, we meet at last, Mr. Drippy!

D: Man! How much water can they fit in one set of pipes? T: If I understand right: the entire city water supply. W: It’s like little clown cars at the circus.

B: Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.

X: And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito The Amazing – Plumber Extraordinaire! T: How’s it looking down there? X: Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.

W: Buffy, I know you’re still getting back on your feet after… B: Lying flat on my back?

B: Okay, so you’re telling me I’m broke? W: Not yet, but… T: Money’s definitely becoming an issue. X: As in, your being almost out of it. B: But, I haven’t spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.

D: So, what do we do? B: Easy! We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus: Fire - pretty! [they all *look* at her] B: You guys? …I’m kidding.

B: It’s not like it’s the end of the world. …Which is too bad, because _that_ I’m really good at.

A: I know how! Um, if… if you want to pay… uh… every bill here, and every bill coming, and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn? Start charging! B: For what? A: For slaying vampires! You’re providing a valuable service to the whole community! I say: Cash in!

A: It’s not _so_ crazy. D: Yes it is! You can’t charge innocent people for saving their lives! A: Spiderman does! D: He does not. A: Does too! D: Does no… Xander? X: Action is his reward.

X: I’m supportive! I’m totally supportive! I’m a flying buttress of support.

A: Hey! You tricked me! Just now, with your fancy talk and lips!

LO: Carl Savitsky, Loan Officer. B: Buffy Summers, Loan Applier-for! I didn’t know exactly what you would need, so, um, I brought everything. I’m _very_ responsible in that way! LO: O.k., I don’t think I’ll need this… or these… old report cards? Definitely not. B: So, about my getting a loan…. LO: Yes, well, it looks as if financially we have a bit of a tangle. B: I know, and I figured you could just, you know, cut through that tangle with scissors. …You know, where the loan is the scissors?

LO: For some reason Sunnydale property values have never been competitive….

LO: The problem is you have no income. No job. [demon comes crashing through the window] B: No job? I wish!

B: Hey! Are you in the wrong line? That’s for deposits, that’s for withdrawals, and this one is for getting kicked in the face. [tries to kick, can’t raise her leg] Stupid skirt!

Guard: [fires warning shot] Put the girl down! [demon throws Buffy across room and into guard] B: These things? [dangles gun in guard’s face] *Never helpful!*

B: Now, about my loan. I’m not saying I’m charging you for saving your life or anything, but… let’s talk rates. ……………….. W: They *still* turned you down?

W: Hey, Buffy! You’re mad! B: You noticed. It’ll pass. W: No! Anger is a big powerful emotion! You should feel! B: Well, that’s good then. … Done. W: Well then let me make you mad again… ready? Um? Last semester? I slept with Riley. B: And you know, I really doubt it. W: Caught me. Big fib… to cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel!

A: Don’t be such a wiener-dog! Look at them: researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a peppy boost of happy news. X: You’re right, I’ll tell them… uh… as soon as Buffy and Willow come in. A: Chicken! X: Will you stop? A: Dare you! X: Anya, if I tell them right after you dare me to, wouldn’t you always wonder if that’s the only reason I did? A: Oh. X: Score one for Captain Logic! A: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel. God, I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I’m closer to it.

D: You know, if you don’t let me look at the pictures, I’m gonna learn everything I know about demons on the street! T: Knock yourself out. D: Thank you! See? No biggie. I can totally handle it. [opens book] That’s a weird place for a horn…. [slowly closes book] It’s not a horn.

D: This? I’m guessing on how you say it, it’s got an apostrophe. I think it’s ‘Mmm-Fashnik’, like ‘Mmmm, cookies’. X: Or maybe ’Muh-Fashnik, like ‘Muh-….Fashnik’.

B: You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?

G: Oh God, Buffy! [hugs her] You’re alive. You’re here. …And you’re still remarkably strong.

G: You’re… B: …a miracle. G: Yes. …But then I always thought so.

G: I keep a flat in Bath. I met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age…. B: And now you’re back. G: Yes. B: Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British?

B: I mean, yeah, sleeping is hard, but just because of the waking-up-in-a-box thing. So maybe waking-up’s the problem.

B: I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy.

A: Giles! We’re so glad to see you! We missed you! You can’t have the store back. G: I know. A: You signed papers! G: I did. Do we have information on this new demon I suddenly find so desperately interesting?

G: M’Fashnik, oh. D: Ah ha! Like ‘Mmm-cookies!’ G: Ah, no, quite different actually.

MD: We had a deal! You got what you wanted, now give me what I want! The head of the Slayer! Wn: ’Kay. J: Sure. Aw: We can do that.

MD: You hired me to create chaos and confusion for you, told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magics, the demon realms below! Wn: We are. Aw: Yeah. Uh-huh. J: We’re like super-villains. J&Wn&Aw: Mwhahahahahaaa! MD: Which one of you is the leader? J&Wn&Aw: I am. MD: I will kill the leader. J&Wn&Aw: [point to each other] He is! MD: I will kill you all. J: Wait! Uh, *no fair*!

Wn: Yes, truly Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all! J: Wha…? Aw: Uh, yeah: Long live our noble lord and master. J: You guys _suck_!

MD: You can’t pay me in paper, little king! You pitted me against the Slayer, for that I must kill you. Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death! Wn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy! Lets back things up a parsec, o.k.?

Wn: Well, between the three of us, we can pretty much do anything. J: Like if you want a spell to make you look super-cool to the other demons? I’m _all_ over that action, my friend. Wn: Or – just throwing it out there – Robot girlfriend? Hmmm? Long lonely nights after a hard day’s slaughter…? MD: You can do this? Aw: Don’t trust him. Robo-Pimp-Daddy’s all mouth. W: You’re just mad because I wouldn’t build you Christina Ricchi.

Aw: Hello! Screen-wipe! New scene!

B: I know they’re so cute you could die, but it’s all I’ve got. G: Think nothing of it. It’s…uh… whimsical.

B: They don’t actually fit. I blame the sofa. We need one of those pull-out kinds. The kinds with no payments until 2000-infinity.

B: I figured I’d put it out of my mind, you know. Take a break. Get some perspective… and then wake up at 4 a.m. terrified.

J: Are we really gonna kill her? That’s so sad! W: Shut up, Whine-athon. Aw: But, I…I don’t want to kill Buffy either. J: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times! …Plus she’s hot.

Aw: We’re talking about murder. W: No we’re talking about staying alive… and since this is my mom’s house, I think what I say goes. Aw: But aside from the moral issues… and the mess… we could get in trouble for murder! W: Duh! You know, the last I checked the authorities also frowned on bank robbery too, genius!

Aw: And you know, killing people is not why we got together. J: Yeah, we teamed up with one clear super-cool mission statement, remember? [flashback] W: So… you guys want to team up and take over Sunnydale? J&Aw: [shrug] O.k. [/flashback] W: Of course I remember. It was last month.

J: Dude, you know we have a mission! Shrink rays. Trained Gorillas. Workable prototype jet-packs. And chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that’s the action *I* signed on for! Aw: Me too. ix-nay on the urder-may!

TO DO: * Control the weather * Miniaturize Fort Knox * Conjure Fake IDs * Shrink Ray * Girls * Girls * The Gorilla Thing

W: Here is the Slayer’s name, address, and telephone number. You want to kill her? Make it so.

J: How’d you make him do that? Aw: What, are you some kind of …Jedi? W: The Force can sometimes have great power over a weak mind.

G: So, tell me about the spell you performed. W: Oh, first of all? *So* scary! I mean the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this! [peeks between fingers] And this giant snake came out of my mouth. And there was all this energy crackling. And this pack of demons interrupted, but I _totally_ kept it together. And then, next thing you know – Buffy! G: You’re a very stupid girl.

W: Giles, I did what I had to do! I did what nobody else could do! G: Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don’t want to meet them. W: No, probably not. But, well, they’re the bad guys. I’m not a bad guy!

G: You were _lucky_! W: I wasn’t lucky, I was _amazing_! And how would you know? You weren’t even there! G: If I were I would have bloody well stopped you! The magics you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you could hope to understand, and you are lucky to be alive! You rank, arrogant amateur! W: You’re right. The magics I used are very powerful. _I’m_ very powerful. And maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to piss me off.

S: You hear all that noise? B: Just enough to make me feel crappy.

S: You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache, but I could probably thin the herd a little. … Knew I could get a grin.

B: Why are you always around when I’m miserable?

B: So, what do you know about finances?

G: Dawn? Couldn’t sleep? D: Not really. You? G: Evidently not. D: You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you’ve got in one bowl? G: Does it work? D: Gonna find out. Want to come join the experiment? G: Why don’t I be your control group. You find as you get older that you lose patience with throwing up.

B: You’re paying for that door, buddy! Oooh! Table! MD: You cost me, Slayer! B: I cost _you_? That’s a designer lamp, you mook!

B: [beating on the downed demon] Full! Copper! Repipe! No! More! Full! Copper! Repipe!

S: [peering down stairs] Oh. Did you know this place was flooded?

Wn: I think we’ve got a lot to feel good about. We’ve got money, the lair. And our one loose end has been taken care of by the Slayer. Flamethrower’s up. Aw: Periscope’s working. Looks like your mom’s weeding tulips again. J: Action figures? Fully deployed.

Aw: I just can’t believe it. We did it! We can do anything! We can stay up all night if we wanted! Wn: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t get all crazy on us, Andrew. Aw: I was only saying….

J: What are we gonna do about Buffy? I mean, sooner or later the Slayer has to come after us. Aw: Bring her on. Wn: We could hypnotize her. Aw: Make her our willing sex-bunny. J: …I’m putting that on the list!

J: The way I see it, life is like an interstellar journey. Some people go into hyper-sleep and travel sub-light speeds. Only to get where they’re going, after years of struggle, toil, and hard, hard work. We, on the other hand…. Aw: Blast through the space-time continuum in a wormhole? J: Gentlemen! Crime is _our_ wormhole! Aw: But everyone knows that if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths, plus a fraction of that wavelength, the coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure…. W: Dude! Don’t be a geek!

B: I’ve trashed this house so many times, how did mom pay for this? X: Well for starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table A: Well, there’s always that charging option. B: No! I will definitely… probably not be doing that.

G: Well I know I’m back in America now, I’ve been knocked unconscious. B: Mmmm… Poor lumpy Giles!

X: That’s it! Four hours. I’m calling it, people. This coffee table, it’s gone. Dammit! D: Also, this lamp’s in critical condition. W: Well, let’s take these things to the trash and give them a decent throwin’ out!

B: Who’s calling me? Everybody I know lives here.

D: I bet it’s creditors. The hounding’s begun. I read about it. So, you think we’ll starve? G: I very much doubt it. D: No chance I’d have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop? G: ‘Poorly-ventilated sw…’ What _have_ you been reading?

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers