Life Serial

Writers: David Fury and Jane Espenson
Director : Nick Marck

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars : Amber Benson as Tara, Adam Busch as Warren, Danny Strong as Jonathan, Tom Lenk as Andrew, Paul Gutrech as Tony, Noel Albert Guglielmi as Vince, Marcia Ann Burrs as Professor Bellamy, and Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.

Original broadcast date : October 23, 2001

Buffy returns from her meeting with Angel with a bucket of fried chicken for supper, but she finds the gang already at the supper table, eating something else. Politely, Tara takes some chicken, and the rest of the gang help themselves, then they ask Buffy about her plans for the future. She starts reciting her scheme to deal with her money troubles, but they rephrase the question, asking about what she plans to do with her life. Apart from noting that she’s obviously not registered at UC Sunnydale for this semester, Buffy is at a loss to answer… So Willow suggests she audit for the rest of this semester.

Elsewhere, Warren, Jonathan and Andrew are putting the finishing touch to their supercool high-tech van, with which they plan to test the Slayer’s abilities.

On campus, Buffy joins Willow in a sociology class, but is completely lost in the five-syllable words and upper stratosphere explanations. After class, she meets up with Tara to go to her history class, but as they talk in the corridor, Warren bumps into her, tagging her with a diamond-shaped object. The two girls resume their talk, but things start going weird for Buffy as she time goes fast-forward on her, leaving her confused. Tara comes out of class, asking Buffy why she skipped it - for Buffy, mere seconds have passed. Our Slayer experiences another jump forward, and she runs after Tara, who has left. Once outside, things – and people – accelerate big time, bumping into her and forcing her to duck under a picnic table for cover. She finds the object Warren pinned on her, but as she takes it in her hand to study it, the nerds, in the van, panic and hit a button that disintegrates the thing…

Trying something else, Buffy joins Xander on his construction work. As they walk to the site, wearing hard hats, she tells him how glad she is to have joined the workforce… But Xander’s boss, Tony, is less impressed with having a little girl working construction… at least until she picks up a girder and walks away with it.

In the van, Andrew is preparing to take his turn at testing the Slayer, and starts working some magic. Across the street, on the site, Buffy fills up on water when a demon shows up behind Tony. She shoves him out of the way, then starts fighting the demons as the workers cower in a corner. The demons melt away, and when Xander arrives, wondering what’s going on, the workers deny anything happened, hinting that Buffy has simply gone berserk. Angry and disappointed, Xander fires Buffy.

Once more, Buffy tries something new – working with Anya at the Magic Box. As Giles gives her pointers, the camera zooms in on a hidden camera in a skull on a shelf… In the van, Jonathan starts working his own mojo, reciting a spell in Latin.

In the shop, Buffy prepares to handle her first client, when a man asks her advice on romantic candles – lemon or slug? She hands him the lemon, then goes to help the woman, who wants a mummy hand. Buffy goes downstairs and finds the hand, which promptly jumps to her throat. She stabs it with a dagger, then goes back upstairs and hands it (no pun intended) to the lady, who is outraged and refuses to pay money for a dead hand.

After the lady leaves, things start getting eerie. The doorbell jangles again, and the same lady comes in. Giles tells Buffy the same advice he told her minutes before. A bit confused, Buffy goes to serve the lady again, and goes to tackle the mummy hand again, this time armed with tongs. Presenting the lady with a bag, she tells her that the fingers are sold separately. As Jonathan, in the van, hints that Buffy must satisfy the customer for the spell to end, events repeat and repeat themselves, causing Buffy, in various sequences, to angrily toss the slug candle to the man, trample Giles’ glasses, rip the bell off its hinges, and weep in exasperation. Finally, she gets an idea: special-order another mummy hand for the lady, who finally leaves satisfied. The spell wears off, but Anya notices that Buffy failed to charge for delivery, and tells her she’ll take it off her pay. Exasperated, Buffy taks off her nametag and leaves. In the van, Warren and Andrew rate Jonathan’s spell…

In the crypt, Spike is pouring some bourbon from a flask for Buffy. They drink up, and Buffy makes a face at the taste, ( “Blaaaah!”) He pours her another drink, and she tells him about the mess that is her life. He suggests that she try out his world – the dark side – and see how good it feels.

Buffy and Spike enter a bar, and the Slayer, already quite hammered, grabs a bottle of what looks like scotch before both of them head to a back room where a bunch of demons are playing cards. When Buffy expresses her outrage at the fact that he’s going to play poker instead of helping her, he drags her back and whispers to her that he might be able to get information from the demons. Buffy plops down with her bottle, and Spike starts playing poker… for kittens. The game ends badly, as Spike – and another foldy-skinned demon, Clem – are discovered to have cheated. Losing patience, Buffy frees the kittens and leaves. Spike goes after her, but she drunkenly rants at him for failing to solve her problems, about her inability to understand school or get a job, and chides herself for hanging out with a “neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.”

Outside, Buffy spots the nerds’ van and sobers up enough to figure out that it’s the same van she saw at the construction site. Inside the van, the three villains are squabbling about James Bond movies, but Jonathan suddenly sees Buffy, on the camera monitor, walking towards the van.

As Buffy nears the van’s rear doors, a caricature of a demon jumps down in front of her and theatrically roars at her, while the van takes off. He admits to being behind the tests she’s been going through. Buffy woozily fights it, falling down on her butt after kicking it; the hurt demon throws a smoke bomb on the ground and runs away. “He blew up!”, says a mystified Buffy, before admitting she doesn’t feel too good.

Meanwhile, the demon catches up with the van, and turns out to be Jonathan, in his boxers….

At the Summers house, Buffy is still recovering from her hangover. She complains to Giles about her life and her recent failures; he comforts her, telling her she was being tested by a demon, so she wasn’t at fault. Then, he hands her a cheque, to help her pay for all the expenses. Touched and happy, Buffy tells Giles that knowing he’ll always be there makes her feel safe. She leaves the room, and Giles’ expression changes to one of uneasiness and pensiveness…

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -
“Boy, a lot of 3 stake episodes in this season. Very funny stuff, epecially the mummy hand bit.”

Quotes

(B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, J=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew)
—
B: You already ate.
G: No! … Well, yes. Obviously.

D: I’ll take a drumstick.
W: I’m a breast gal myself… but then again, you knew that.

J: The Slayer always knows what she’s doing. Sharp. Decisive. Always with a plan. We’re never gonna be the crime lords of Sunnydale with her always one step ahead of us!

Wn: Wha-what the hell is that?
Aw: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
J: Thermal exhaust port’s _above_ the main port, numbnuts!
Aw: For your information I’m using the Empire’s _revised_ designs from Return of the Jedi…
J: That’s a _flawed_ design!
Wn: Hey! O.k., thing is: Since we’re messing with the Slayer who could pummel the three of us into a sludgy substance, it might be a good idea to *not* draw attention to ourselves!

W: The trick is to get in the rhythm. Kinda go with the flow.
B: Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren’t such big brains!

W: You’re not dumb, just rusty!
B: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies, or maybe Advanced Walking.

W: So, score me!
J: Right…. Fifty points for ingenuity, thirty since it involved actual contact…
Aw: Very smooth, by the way!
J: On the freak-o-meter I’d say she was at a six.
W: Oh, come on! It’s an eight, easy!
[They confer]
J: We’ll split the diff – call it a seven, which is good for 140 points, for a total of…
Aw: 220.
W: Beat that!
Aw: Oh, I _will_!

B: This is gonna be great! Diving into the workforce! Being the breadwinner! Building things with my hands!
X: Uh, actually you won’t be building so much as lifting and toting.
B: Toting?

B: You saved me from having to accept Giles’ offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean retail? Yeeeuhhhh… I’d rather be dead. Again!

B: I guess I _could_ have been blacking out. But there was this _thing_ on my sweater that just blew away. Or went *poof*. Maybe it was lint.
Maybe it was evil lint!
X: O.k., first tip of the day: When I introduce you to Tony the Foreman, you might want to leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.

X: That’s the spirit! [to Buffy] Don’t mind him. He may seem pig-ignorant and rude and a little hostile.

B: So, basically, I’m just trying to learn everything I can, because I don’t want a job, I want a career. You know, something I can grow into… you know, I never thought about working in construction, but when you think about it, it kinda makes sense…
Worker: Hey! We get paid by the hour. You want to ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down!

W: Ah! Got visual of subject. 4 o’clock.
J: That’s not 4 o’clock.
W: Well it is if you’re facing the front of the van.
J: But we’re not facing the front of the van, we’re facing out that way! That’s twelve, so she’s at two o’clock!
W: Look! She’s over there, o.k.?

Aw: Hey! All you said was ‘lose the mural’!

B: Demons! There were three, big, apey things!
X: No! Not here. Not at my job! That’s your job!
B: I can’t help where the forces of Darkness attack me, Xander!
X: Buffy, would you look at this mess. Do you have any idea how much it’s gonna cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients? Should I show them the demon bodies and say it was all their fault?
B: You can’t. They melted.

Worker: Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that you were losing it or something. That time of the month, huh?
B: _What_? You were huddled in the corner, crying like a _baby_!
Worker: Hey, hey! No way. Me crying? You’re tripping!… What’s her problem?

X: I think it’s worth checking out. And I don’t mean later. You need to see Giles right away. I’d start by IDing those demons.
B: You’re firing me, aren’t you?
X: Big time.

B: Uh, is this _all_ research? Or just some kind of stress-test for the table?
G: I just want to be thorough. This time anomaly and the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events. But if they’re not, you might be in some danger.
B: So: situation normal, then.

A: Oh, and be sure to remove the items from the shelf. I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal: See there was this certain customer who wanted to purchase a sapphire… uh… a sapphire… well, ding-dong, and….

Wn: This is so dull, I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys.
Aw: Why is the Slayer here anyway? She’s a student, she’s a construction worker, and now she’s some kind of selling-stuff person?
W: It’s like she’s completely without focus… Should we check the other channels for free cable porn?

J: I need you to hold hands…
Aw: With _each other_!?!
Wn: Well, you know what homophobia _really_ means about you, don’t you?
J: Stop touching my magic bone!
[Warren & Andrew giggle]
J: Shut up!

J: It’s in Latin, so don’t laugh. It’s supposed to sound like this.

GuyCustomer: Miss? Which candle creates a, you know, more romantic atmosphere?
B: Hmmm… ‘Lemon Seduction’. Ewwww… ‘Essence of Slug’. Here you go!

RepeatCustomer: I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it? A mummy hand?
B: Ah, yeah. I saw one downstairs. It’s kinda hairy though, maybe it was a daddy hand. …I’ll just get it.

B: Petrified hamster… eyeballs in honey… dagger of Lex… Oooh! Ancient mummy hand!

B: …And you get the dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother of pearl.. underneath the black oozing goo…?
RepeatCustomer: This hand is dead. The power is gone. I’m not giving you money for this!
B: Oh, it’s just playing dead. [swats at it] Little scamp!

W: Ah! You did it, dude. She’s looping! What did you do, enchant the hand-thing?
J: Not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. …Maybe I should have done more?
Aw: Like what?
J: I dunno… like make her kind of itchy?

A: Don’t worry. Don’t be nervous. Just do what I do: Picture yourself naked!

Aw: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
W: Or Mulder in the X-Files one, where the bank kept exploding?
Aw: Scully wants me so bad!

B: Finger sold separately!

B: Lady needs a mummy hand.
A: What? You haven’t even talked to her.
B: I could explain, but you would just forget it.

B: Yes! And then I’m going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam!
G: Yes…um…quite right….

B: If you like slug, go with slug! She’s not gonna sleep with you anyway.

W: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
Aw: It is an _ex_-mummy hand!

Aw: So… Warren had 220, And I had that bonus for getting her fired….
J: But the biggest component has to be how long it took to finish. Mine took the longest!
Aw: Only from a perspective external to the time-loop. From Mr. Giles’ perspective, it was shortest of all.

[Nametag]: Hello! My name is _Buffy_ Ask me about my curses!

B: Life is stupid.
S: I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn’t figure you were here caging my whisky because life was all full of blood and peaches.

B: Giles is working on it.
S: Oh good! ’Cuz Giles wields the mighty force of library books.

S: You’re not a schoolgirl. You’re not a shopgirl. You’re a creature of the darkness, like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
B: There are drinks in your world?

B: You want to play, that’s fine. I am sticking to the original plan. Which one do I kill for information?
S: Listen! These guys talk while they play. You’ll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses.

PokerDemon1: Ante up!
B: You play for *kittens*?!?
S: Who’s gonna advance me a tiny tabby… get me started? Come on, someone’s got to stake me.
B: I’ll do it! [he glares] You thought I was just gonna let that lie there?

J: Where are we going?
Wn: To Final Jeopardy… where Buffy’s the one in jeopardy.
Aw: We’re really super-villians now! Like Dr. No.
Wn: Back when Bond was Connery and movies were decent.
J: Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth!
Wn: You’re insane. You’re short and you’re insane.
Aw: I like Timothy Dalton. Hey!
Wn: Don’t make me pull over, o.k.?

S: Me? _I_ cheat? _He’s_ got X-ray vision.
PokerDemon1: I’m not _using_ it!

PokerDemon2: Her skin’s so tight, I don’t even know how you can _look_ at her!

S: Ah, so it’s a set-up isn’t it? Squeeze a few quid out of the vamp. I’ll tell you what you didn’t count on. Me and the bird. You wanna fight, you face the two of us.
B: _What?_ I’m not getting into a bar fight! I’ll beat ’em up for information, great. But not to defend your right to gamble for _kittens_! Which, by the way, is _stupid_ currency!
PokerDemon3: They’re delicious!

B: Scamper! Be free, kittens!

S: What’s wrong love?
B: What’s wrong? You were gonna _help_ me! You… you were gonna beat heads, and… and fix my life! You’re completely lame! Life sucks! And look at me: StupidBuffy, too dumb for college. And FreakBuffy, too strong for construction work. And my job at The Magic Box? I was bored to tears even _before_ The Hour That Wouldn’t End! And the only person I can even _stand_ to be around is a… a neutered vampire who cheats at _kitten poker_!
S: Oh, you saw the cheating, did you?
B: Also, I think you’re _drunk_!

Wn: Connery _is_ Bond. He had style!
J: Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny!
Wn: Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It’s retarded! Besides, the guy has, like _no_ edge.
Aw: Timothy Dalton had edge. In License To Kill he was a rogue agent. That’s edgy! …And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
J: Yeah, which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton!
Wn: This is stupid! We’re wasting time. End of discussion….. They had, like shots of _pigeons_ doing _double-takes_ when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker is _inexcusable_!

B: That van.
S: If you want to steal the van I’m with you, love, but we have got the motorcycle.

Wn: Connery is the only actor of the bunch!
Aw: Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the *head* with it!!!
Wn: O.k., that’s _it_!

J: Ah! Look!
An: She’s coming over here. What do we do?
Wn: Jonathan! Grab your magic bone!
[they erupt in giggles]

DemonJonathan: I am well struck! I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension where I will lay my head and gently die!
B: He blew up. Did you see that?

DemonJonathan: She hurt me all over!
W: Someone will see you! Get in the back!
DemonJonathan: I won’t fit.

J: Ow…oh…ow! Next time I do that spell one of you guys has to look like the demon!
Aw: The Slayer _touched_ you!
J: Yeah, it was sexy, the way she touched me real hard with her fists! I only looked big. I actually had the proportional strength of, ah, me.

W: We tested her. _Faced_ her… and we survived!
J: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Aw: Oh, of course. But, barring that, Warren’s right: We did good!
W: The Trio versus the Slayer. It’s not over.
Aw: Plus! Look what Warren and me discovered by accident before we drove away!
j: What?
Wn&Aw&J: [awed] Free cable porn!

G: Are you o.k.?
B: I think at one point I actually turned inside out …but yeah.

G: You’re pushing yourself too hard.
B: The nice people at the phone company seem to think it’s not hard enough.

G: This is for you.
B: A check? Th-this is too much. I can’t take it.
G: Well, I’ll tear it up….
B: No! I was just being polite. I’m taking the money.

B: I don’t really know to say this, but it’s a little like having mom back.
G: In this scenario I’m your mother.
B: Want to be my shiftless absentee father?
G: Is there some sort of, um, rakish uncle?

B: I just want to tell you that, um, this… makes me feel safe. Knowing you’re always gonna be here.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers