Hell's Bells

Writer: Rebecca Rand Kirshner Director: David Solomon

Cast: Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Guest stars: Casey Sander as Mr. Harris, Lee Garlington as Mrs. Harris, Kali Rocha as Halfrek, James C. Leary as Clem, Andy Umberger as D¹Hoffryn, Jan Hoag as Cousin Carol, George D. Wallace as “Old Xander”, Steven Gilborn as Krevlin, Joey Hiott as 10-year old Josh Harris, Abigail Mavity as 8-year old Sara Harris, Chris Emerson as 21-year old Josh Harris, Ashligh Ann Wood as 18-year old Sara Harris.

Original air date: March 5, 2002

My one-line description: The Harris clan is definitely not the Brady Bunch.

Outside 1630 Revello Drive, an ominous storm is ragingŠ Inside, Willow and Buffy look at something that is truly horrible ­ their bright green bridesmaid dresses. As they try to make the best of it, they talk about the rehearsal dinner the night before, where Anya¹s demon friends were explained away as circus people, hence their appearance. Then they discuss their roles ­ Willow is the best man, while Bully, Dawn and Tara are the bridesmaids. There¹s a knock on the door, and in comes Anya, who gasps at the gowns ­ before exclaiming on how beautiful they are.

In Xander¹s apartment, Uncle Rory is trying to make the toaster work while Xander finishes dressing with the help of family members. As a demon named Krevlin offers to help fix the toaster, Mr. and Mrs. Harris arrive; Xander¹s mother whines about not being in the wedding pictures, despite her son¹s assurances, and his father loudly expresses his distaste for the “circus folks” on Anya¹s guest list. Cousin Carol takes Xander aside, and while he looks for his cuffs, asks him whether he thinks Krevlin would be interested in dating her.

Outside in the rain, an old man materializes on one of Sunnydale¹s busy streets and walks away, looking determined.

Later, Buffy have a private moment with Xander, wishing him happiness as she forcibly fastens his cumberbun and tries to arrange his bow tie. Meanwhile, Tara and Willow awkwardly share the task of buttoning Anya¹s dress while the former vengeance demon nervously rehearses her vows, trying to find the right thing to say.

In the reception room, Uncle Rory shows off his date to Dawn, but said date happens to be one of the caterers, who¹s trying to politely get away from him. Anya¹s former boss D¹Hoffryn arrives with Halfrek and entrusts his wedding gift to Dawn, who doesn¹t keep it long ­ a few tentacles pierce through the wrapping, wriggling vigorously. Having left the live gift on the table, Dawn continues to walk around and sees Spike, who¹s here with a very gothic and rather unwilling date.

Ready at last and reviewing what they have to do to keep Mr. and Mrs. Harris out of trouble, Buffy and Xander walk out into the reception hall to greet guests. Xander is quickly surrounded by complaining people, but one gets a hold of him and won¹t let go ­ the old man. Wondering what this is all about, Xander follows the stranger to somewhere they can speak in private. The old man finally reveals that he¹s Xander Harris ­ a future version of him ­ and that he¹s here to prevent his younger self from making a horrible mistake: getting married.

Out in the reception hall, Mr. Harris, having had too much to drink, loudly offers a sarcastic toast to the guests and starts insulting the “circus folks” on Anya¹s side of the family. Clem and another demon comment on how annoying Xander¹s father is, but Buffy intervenes and leads Mr. Harris away before a fight can break out. He tries to make a pass at her, but she threatens physical violence if he keeps on this train of thought.

With a crystal ball, the old “Xander Harris” shows his younger self what he¹s getting into. In a first scene, Xander sits lazily watching TV while a dressed-for-success Anya prepares to go to work. As a young Josh Harris goes around teasing his sister, part-demon Sara, about her appearance, Xander and Anya get into an argument about his worthlessness. He gets mad at her when she mentions how he got injured helping Buffy, and it didn¹t help save her life.

In a second scene, Xander, Anya and their kids, now aged 21 and 18, are in a restaurant pretending to be a normal, close-knit family. However, the teens fight while Anya comments on Xander¹s heavy drinking. Their daughter Sara finally storms off, yelling that she hates them.

Finally, a scene shows Xander and Anya in retirement, arguing in their kitchen. A tired-looking Anya blames Xander for ruining her life and making her miserable; again, he gets angry, and raises a frying pan to hit herŠ but the vision mercifully ends there. The old man again warns a shocked and appalled Xander that he mustn¹t marry Anya.

Out in a corridor, Buffy has a private ­ and awkward ­ conversation with Spike. After making some small talk about the wedding, Spike asks her if his attempt to make her jealous with his date worked. She says that it did, and that yes, it does hurt. After Buffy leaves, the vampire decides it may be best to just leave before the ceremony.

Willow finds a pensive Xander in the kitchen and gives him the final “best man” talk before hugging him and telling him how much she loves him; she then leaves him to practice his vows. Meanwhile, Tara offers advice to Anya about which words might be better left out of the wedding vows. The music begins to play, and Buffy arrives to take Anya to the altar. However, a worried-looking Willow shows up, pulls Buffy out of the room and tells her that Xander has disappearedŠ

Looking for a way to stall, Buffy briskly walks to the front of the reception hall ­ while the organ plays “Here Comes The Bride” ­ and announces that the minister is also a doctor and had to go perform an emergency c-section, hence the delay.

As Anya walks around in a room, practicing her vows, Xander walks alone in the rain, his tuxedo drenched, looking lost. While Buffy informs the minister of the delay, Mr. Harris heads back to the bar, with Mrs. Harris in tow, both of them accusing Anya of ruining the wedding. Buffy starts livening up the delay with charades and juggling, while Dawn and a young demon chat at the doorway, comparing their pathetic families. In her room, Anya loses patience and heads down to the reception hall, determined to know what¹s going on. There, she accidentally overhears Dawn telling the young demon that Xander¹s run offŠ

Anya is more than disturbed, understandably, and Mr. Harris and the other demons start accusing and insulting each other once again. This time, a huge fight does break out, and Buffy is powerless to do anything about it. Tara gets caught up in the middle, but Willow comes to the rescue and the two huddle together behind a row of chairs, eyeing each other not without desire.

Cousin Carol tells Anya that she saw Xander talking with an old man earlier, and points to him ­ he¹s trying to leave. Anya cuts through the crowd, catches up with him and demands to know what he did to scare her groom away. He reveals himself as a man she cursed by turning him into a demon at the beginning of the century. Out for revenge, he conjured up false images of the future to scare Xander and ruin Anya¹s wedding.

She begins to cry, and the demon relishes at the sight, finally attacking her, intent on killing her. Buffy intervenes but quickly gets in trouble, and is saved by the timely intervention ofŠ Xander. He and Buffy finish the demon off, and after cheering a bit, the guests go back to fighting. However, this time, Anya breaks it up, then has a private chat with Xander. She explains to her would-be husband that the visions were lies, but Xander has gotten cold feet for good ­ he tells her he knows it wasn¹t true, but it could well come to pass. He announces that he can¹t marry her, that he¹s scared of turning into a drunkard like his father and hurting her. More than worried, she tries to get him to go on with the ceremony, tells him things will be OK, but he sadly tells her he can¹t do it.

That night, Buffy, Willow and Dawn sit around in the living room, still trying to work through what has happened. They feel sorry for the broken couple, and can¹t even feel anger toward Xander. Dawn wonders out loud where he isŠ

Xander is checking into a depressing motel room by himself. Meanwhile, in the now-empty reception hall, D¹Hoffryn comforts a weeping Anya, telling her it¹s time she got her vengeance powers back. She looks up at him, suddenly interestedŠ

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“Now that’s what I call a TV wedding. Humans and demons beating the crap out of each other. Poor Anya. Poor Xander. Poor Buffy and her tunnel.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, K=Krelvin, TH=Tony Harris, MH=Mrs. Harris, CC=Cousin Carol, R=Uncle Rory, DH=D’Hoffryn, H=Halfrek

W: Buffy, it’s hideous. Oh my god, Buffy, look at its arms! B: I know. But it’s my duty. I’m Buffy the bridesmaid. W: Duty-shmuty. I’m supposed to be best man. Shouldn’t I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number? B: No. W: Oh. B: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridemaidsdom. W: Oh. Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional blood larvae and burlap. I mean, she was a vengeance demon for, like, a thousand years. She would know all the most flattering larvae…

W: Oh my god, last night, the rehearsal dinner. That was like a zoo without the table manners.

B: I just can’t believe everyone bought that story about Anya’s people being circus folks. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What’s he supposed to be, Inky the Squid-boy?

W: Did you see how much they drank? B: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.

K: Yeah, we met. You said I resembled your mother-in-law. MH: Tony! TH: Oh, yeah. K: And then you hit me with a cocktail wiener, and then you insulted my heritage.

TH: I mean no disrespect, of course. I’m sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks.

CC: You know that guy Kevin? If he could clear up the skin problem, do you think - do you suppose he’d date a woman with a kid? I mean, I really can’t afford to be very picky.

X: Now nothing on earth can stop this wedding, now.

B: It’ll fit. X: Ah, man, what if it doesn’t? What if I can’t wear my cummerbund, and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy, that cannot happen. I must wear das cummerbund!

X: I’ve been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.

B: You’re glowing. Oh my god - maybe you’re pregnant! X: Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just happy.

X: Happy teary, not frustrated-with-bow-tie teary?

A: I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that’s anachronistic and misogynistic, and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?

A: Blah blah blah, misogynistic, blah blah… I do, however, entrust you with my heart. Take care of my heart, won’t you, please? Take care of it, because it’s all that I have, and if you let me, I’ll take care of your heart, too. I’ll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray. Wait, no. Like a little mangy stray that needs a home.

A: Oh, I want to see Xander now! W: You can’t. It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress, remember? A: Right. I can’t keep all these ridiculous traditions straight. Well, what if I’m not wearing my dress when I see him? Okay, no sex. Cuddling?

R: It was my trade. I used to stuff things. I still do, but only for fun.

DH: Hymen’s greetings. D: Hy-what? DH: Hymen, the god of matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.

D: I can put this on the table for you. DH: Oh, thank you. Careful, it’s, uh… D: Fragile? DH: Squirmy.

H: So, Dawnie, how’s everything? Going good? Nothing you, uh, wish was different? DH: Hallie, for yekks sake, take a day off. We’re not here to do vengeance, we’re here to mingle.

CC: The Harrises are very broad-minded. We’re Episcopalians.

X: How do I look? B: Well, let’s see - found your shoes, your fly’s zipped… I’d say you looked like you’re ready to get married.

B: Now, into the breach with you. X: Okay, breach me.

X: Now, let’s go over the list one more time. Number 1… B: Don’t let your dad near the bar. X: Check. Number 2… B: Don’t let your mom near the bar. X: Check.

Old Guy: It sounds crazy, I knows, but you have to believe me. I’m Xander Harris. I’m you. X: What do you mean, you’re me? Old Guy: I’m you. I’m you from the future. X: Oh! From the future! For a minute I thought you were a nutball. But now that you’re from the future…

TH: To my wife. What would I do without you, beautiful? Well, for starters, I probably wouldn’t need to drink so much, would I?

TH: And a toast to the bride’s dermatologically-challenged family shrub…

TH: What do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my… B: You finish that sentence, and I guarantee you won’t have anything to show.

S: You meet my friend? B: No, not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.

B: But if you’re wildly curious, yeah, it hurts. S: I’m sorry. Oh… good!

B: Go where? Your place? S: Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea. B: Yeah. S: Evil. B: Of course.

S: It’s nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don’t see it a lot. You glow. B: That’s because the dress is radioactive.

S: But it hurts? B: Yeah. S: Thanks. B: You’re welcome.

W: I’ll say this for the Y chromosome. Looks good in a tux. X: Well, your double X’s don’t look too bad there, either.

W: It’s a good thing I realized I was gay. Otherwise, hey, you, me and formalwear…

A: I, Anya, promise to cherish you. Eww, no. Not cherish. I promise to have sex with you whenever *I* want, and pledge to be your friend, your wife, your confidant, and your sex poodle. T: Uh, sex poodle? A: Yeah, what? T: Um, I’m not sure you should say “sex poodle” in your vows. A: Huh.

B: Yeah, you know, he’s not just a minister, he’s also a doctor. You know, he’s half minister, half doctor. He’s a… minitor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur, because he’s all, you know, man-ness. Doctor minister man. No bull parts whatsoever.

Child: I’m bored. CC: It’s a wedding, honey. We’re all bored.

X: It’s dead. B: Yup. W: Is anyone waiting for it to go “poof”? Maybe we can cover it with flowers?

B: They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train. Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers