The Replacement

Writer: Jane Espenson
Director: James A. Contner

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Marc Blucas as Riley Finn, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles.
Main guest stars : Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers, Michael Bailey Smith as Toth, Kelly Donovan as Xander II.

Original broadcast date : October 10, 2000

My one-line description: Anya having sex with two Xanders… a vision from Hell

In Xander’s basement, Xander, Anya, Buffy and Riley are watching a kung fu movie on TV. They hear Xander’s parents come home above them, which is confirmed by some yelling and sounds of things crashing. Xander decides it’s time to look for a new place; as the fighting continues, they try to concentrate on the movie, and Buffy starts criticizing the fighting methods in the kung fu flick. Riley points out that she doesn’t always have to be on Slayer duty, but Buffy argues that he would be as critical if they were watching a soldier movie, and adds that Willow is when they watch a movie about witches. Xander, confirms that Willow would be wondering who uses cauldrons anymore nowadays.

Evidently, someone does. In a cave somewhere, a demon plunges his arm in a boiling cauldron, stating that with his pain, he buys the death of the Slayer…

The next day, Xander and the gang go to visit an apartment he’s thinking of renting, even though the rent is quite high. The apartment is huge, and Anya immediately tells Xander that she wants it, and orders him to pay anything for it. She tells the building manager that they’ll take it. Xander asks the manager to excuse them, and they go in a room where he reminds Anya that his construction job will be ending soon, leaving him without income. The whole gang can hear them as Anya complains that she’s tired of visiting him in his basement and that she doesn’t want to see pretty things they can’t have. She storms off and an embarrassed Xander starts filling out the credit check forms.

At the magic shop, Giles is busy with renovations when he suddenly finds himself face to face with a demon, who states that he is looking for the Slayer. Giles finds a statue to clobber him with, but the demon – who recognizes the statue as a fertility god – isn’t even fazed, and easily knocks Giles down before leaving.

Some time later, Giles shows the gang how he fought the demon, but admits that he didn’t hurt the demon. But he points out that he’s not dead nor unconscious, which is a plus. Xander points out that Giles was attacked before the store even opened and he invites the gang to join him in a “We Told You So” symphony.

Finding a book, Giles concludes the demon is a Toth, a sophisticated demon in that he uses tools instead of his bare hands, and is very focused – this particular one focuses on the Slayer. Riley wants to know where the demon is and how hard he can kill it, and Giles remembers that Toth had a distinct odor to him…

The Scoobies arrive at the dump with weapons, and spot Spike scavenging in the trash. They ask him if he’s seen a tall, robed demon; “You mean a great, tall, robey thing like that one?” he answers, pointing behind them. They turn around and see Toth fire a strange-looking rod-thingie in their direction. They scatter, and Spike cheers Toth on – until a second blast ruins a lamp he just scavenged. Outraged, he makes his escape; Toth fires again, and Xander pushes Buffy out of the way, taking the blast in her place. It sends him flying into a pile of garbage; the others help him up, and realize he’s OK. Toth has disappeared. As they help Xander out of the dump, they don’t see another Xander, still lying unconscious…

This Xander wakes up later – maybe the next morning – alone in the dump. He goes home, but realizes he doesn’t have the key. He pounds on the door, in case Anya is there, but gets no answer. Peering through a window, he is shocked to see himself getting dressed for work… Confused, he decides he needs Buffy.

Later, Xander is at a payphone dialing Buffy’s number when he sees his double walking toward him, nicely dressed and combed. As Buffy picks up at the other end, Xander hangs up without saying anything, deciding to follow Xander II.

In her bedroom, a nonplussed Buffy hangs up the phone and goes back to packing weapons with Riley. They quickly get to kissing, until choking and gagging sounds interrupt them – it’s Dawn, standing in the open doorway. Buffy orders her to go away, but Dawn argues that she’s in the hallway, not Buffy’s room. Joyce walks by, and both sisters complain to her about each other; Joyce tells them to settle this on their own. Dawn looks smugly at Buffy, until Buffy slams the room door in her face. “Owww!” Dawn exclaims.

In his crypt, Spike is putting together a Buffy mannequin with scavenged parts. When the job is done, he kicks it to pieces, taking the head in his hands and promising it that one of these days…

From the shadows, Xander is watching Xander II get called into the foreman’s office. Xander thinks his double is about to get fired, but lo and behold, the boss offers Xander II a better-paying and more permanent position. Spying through a window, Xander notices that his twin is holding a shiny coin in his hand, and thinks he must have hypnotized the foreman.

Later, Xander spies Xander II at “his” new apartment, confirming to the owner that he’ll take it. The owner gives Xander II her phone number, telling him he can call her anytime – even for non-business stuff. She’s coming on to him… After she leaves, Xander sees his twin phone Anya and leave a message on her answering machine, asking her to meet him at the apartment at 9 o’clock. Thinking Anya will be in trouble, Xander tackles his twin as he leaves the apartment building; Xander II, shocked by what he sees, knocks him out and goes away, while Xander shouts that he won’t let him do this to him.

Xander goes to Giles’ place, eager to get Buffy’s help. But as he stands in the rain looking inside, he sees Xander II filling in Buffy and the gang on the demon who “stole his face”. To Xander’s horror, Buffy assures Xander II that his double has to deal with the Slayer now. Again, Xander II plays with the shiny coin…

A soaked and desperate Xander bursts into Willow’s dorm room, pleading for her to listen to him. He assures her that he’s Xander, and starts reciting things only he would know. He even does the Snoopy dance for her as she watches, bemused. She finally interrupts him, asking why he thinks she might believe he wasn’t Xander. Realizing she doesn’t know about the twin, he fills her in and tells her that Xander II has managed to hypnotize Buffy, Giles and Riley.

Meanwhile, Giles is wondering what kind of creature could mimic Xander’s form. Buffy believes it’s Toth, since the demon has disappeared since the night Xander was zapped. Riley, Giles and Xander II agree with her.

Xander tells Willow that it might be a robot, but she’s sceptical. “Or it’s Toth!” he realizes. Meanwhile, Buffy informs Xander II that she was looking for Toth anyway, and that now she’ll just have to look for Xander. She tells Xander II to meet Anya as planned so she won’t have to worry about killing the wrong guy.

Xander whines to Willow about Xander II stealing his life and living it better than he does. As she tries to cheer him up, he tells her he’s a loser who never helps and that Buffy has to save; he even suggests that he should just let his twin have his life. Willow tries to cheer him up – but Xander remembers that his double is meeting Anya at the apartment, and decides Xander II can’t have her. Instructing Willow to find a spell to reveal the demon, he leaves.

At the new apartment, Xander II and Anya celebrate with champagne and kisses. Suddenly, he asks her if she saw him today, but she answers that she just got his message. She then asks what happens next – she has to hurry, she only has fifty years left to live (har har). She adds that she was going to live thousands of years as a demon, but that now she’ll age and die. He reassures her, saying that very soon she won’t be worrying about that… As they kiss again, Xander bursts in and orders Xander II to get away from her. Anya wonders what’s going on, and Xander desperately tries to convince Anya that he’s the real McCoy. But Xander II is more convincing, and Anya asks him to get Xander to go away.

Willow bursts into Giles’ place and reports to the gang that Toth has taken Xander’s form. Buffy already knew that, of course… and they realize they each have a Xander claiming the other is the demon. Giles consults a book, and reports that neither Xander is a demon – Toth’s rod was meant to split a person in two halves. The demon was trying to separate Buffy into two entities, one being plain Buffy Summers and the other being the pure Slayer. With Xander, the rod created a strong persona and a weak persona. However, kill one persona, and the other dies…

At the new apartment, Xander is still pleading for Anya to believe him, that Xander II is a demon – or possibly a robot. Xander II steps forward, preparing to deal with his twin forcefully – but Xander pulls out a gun. After a heartbeat, Anya surges forward and grabs the gun, and so does Xander II. They all fight for it.

Rushing to the apartment in Giles’ car, Buffy asks Riley if he ever wished… “No”, he cuts in. He never wished Toth’s rod could have given him Buffy-Buffy. He tells her that there’s no part of her he’s not in love with, including the Slayer part.

Buffy and Riley get to the apartment just as Xander II finally gets a hold of the gun. At Buffy’s request, he gives it to her. A confused Anya asks which Xander is the real one, and they both answer “I am”. They throw themselves at one another, and Buffy stops them, throwing Xander, then Xander II, back across the room. Having gotten their attention, she informs them that they’re both Xander, and explains the splitting rod theory. Both Xanders protest, and Xander warns his friends against the silver disk that his twin uses to hypnotize people. But Xander II explains that it’s just a flattened coin he found at the construction site.

The gang prepares to leave for Giles’ place, where, Buffy promises, Anya will get an explanation. But then Toth crashes through the door, and tries to zap Buffy with the rod. She manages to roll to avoid it, and finally her and Riley floor the demon and impale him. Both Xanders lament the lost cleaning deposit.

At the magic shop, the two Xanders, now dressed exactly the same, are being examined by the girls, who marvel at how exactly they look alike – same zits, same scars, etc. Riley wonders if anyone else feels like locking them up in a room and experimenting on them, but Anya has a better idea – she wants to take them both home and have sex with them. Giles suggests they do the spell now – a way, according to him, to forget the disturbing sex talk. “Let the spell be ended,” Willow declares, and Xander opens his eyes… his twin is gone.

The next day, Xander moves things out of his basement, with the help of Buffy and Riley. Anya is content to do nothing – she thinks that since Buffy has superstrength, they should load her up “like one of these little horses”. Finally, she takes a box, grumbling that she’s just his slave.

Left alone with Riley, Xander muses about Anya’s knack to make him feel like Suave Xander has left the building. Riley remarks that she obviously likes the whole Xander, but Xander confesses that he envies what Buffy and Riley have.

“When I’m with her, it’s like I’m split in two,” Riley answers. “Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I’m not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows… this is the one.” After a time, he adds, quite matter-of-factly, “But she doesn’t love me.” Then he resumes packing.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -
“Xander-centric and totally fun.”

Quotes

(B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=Dawn, T=Tara, J=Joyce )
—
X: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot-plate’s out of commission.
A: We think the cat peed on it.
X: I do have spaghetti-o’s. Set ’em on top of the dryer, and you’re a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
R: Yeah, I had dryer-food for lunch.

X: Guess the folks are back.

X: No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.

X: Yeah, maybe it’s definitely time to start looking for a new place… something a little nicer. Buffy, you’ve been to hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

B: Hey! I’m enjoying the studying.
R: Who are you, lately?

B: I guess it has been a long day with the Crusades. I could take a little break from the violence for some… ooh, fighting!

X: Incompetently dubbed kung-fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
A: Much more durable than their hot-plates.

B: See? Now with the flying kick, from a dead stop. What’s powering it? Raw enthusiasm?

B: Willow’s the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right, Xander?
X: What? Oh, yeah, she’s all, like, “What’s that? A cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?”

W: If you get the apartment, this’ll be your hallway. And we’ll walk down the hall and say, “La, la, I’m on my way to Xander’s.”
B: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won’t be doing that.
R: Really? I will.

B: It’s nice. And not subterranean. It’s very, uh, above-terranean.

Rental agent: And that’s the bedroom.
//Xander opens door to see Buffy and Riley kissing//
X: Guys, you can’t save it for the bedroom? //R & B look around bedroom// Okay, good point.

X: Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are.

A: Xander, go get the furniture, I’ll wait here. He’s been living in his drunken parent’s basement, where something urinated on the hot-plate.

R: We, uh, we liked the ceiling fan.
X: Yes. It’s very, you know, kind of Old South.
B: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.

G: “Miscellaneous curses.” Brilliant. Lucky if I don’t curse my hands off at the wrists.

B: How badly did you hurt him?
G: Well, hurt, uh… maybe not hurt.
W: Well, I’m sure he was startled.
G: Yes, yes. I’d imagine it gave him rather a turn.
B: He ran away, huh?
G: Uh, sort of more, turned and swept out majestically, I suppose.

B: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
G: Well, I’m not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

X: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who’s up for a swingin’ chorus of the “I told you so” symphony?

G: Toth.
R: What?
B: He called you a toth. It’s a British expression. It means, like, moron.
G: No, Toth’s the name of the demon.

G: It also says that for a demon he’s unusually sophisticated.
B: Sophisticated? So I should discuss men’s fashions with him before I chop his head off?
G: They are referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed.

R: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?

W: Was it sort of sandalwoody?
G: Um… not even remotely.

B: The city dump… where smells go to relax and be themselves.

W: I found a spell so you can’t smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so… no.

X: Ooh, I found a quarter, I found a quarter! Well, ma’am, for me it is worth getting excited about.

B: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I’ve got it covered from A to Z. From axe to… ze other axe.

B: Relax. Another day, another demon.

D: My friend Sharon’s older brother knows a girl who died ’cause she choked on her boyfriend’s tongue.

J: This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar.
B: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
D: I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I’m sure part of it is Buffy’s.
B: But part of it is Dawn’s.
J: It’s so nice you’ve learned to share.

X: Welcome to payback, Mr. Evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.

Rental agent: I think someone said you’re currently in your parent’s basement?
X: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.

X: Anya, you there? Look, I know you’re still mad, but I figure you’re probably sitting there pretending you’re not home, but listening anyway.
A: Am not.

X: It’s me, Xander. And I can prove it.
W: Oh. Okay.

X: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn’t get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.

X: I woke up in the dump this morning.
W: Xander, the basement isn’t a dump. It’s more like a really nice hovel.

X: I got hit last night, fall down, boom.

X: It’s a robot. It’s an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me, designed to do evil.
W: Uh-huh.

X: A demon has taken my life from me, and he’s living it better than I do.

X: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
W: That’s not true. Sometimes we all helped to save you.

X: Take my life, please.

W: You’re just tired, and all soggy.

X: When I get to the pearly gates, I’m sure the guy’s not gonna go, “Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection! Come on in.”

X: He can take anything, but he can’t have her. I need her!
W: Really?

X: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
W: I handled it fine.

A: So, what happens next?
X: Well, at some point, we take off our clothes.

A: When do we get a car?
X: A car?
A: And a boat. No, wait, I don’t mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.

A: I’m dying. I may have as few as 50 years left.

A: And you can’t promise you’ll be with me when I’m wrinkly, and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.

A: What is it? Make it go away.

G: I swear, this time I KNOW I had that locked.

G: I said, Oh dear lord!
B: You always say that.
G: Well, it’s always important.

X1: I’m thinking this is gonna last about fifteen seconds.
X2: I’m thinking less.

B: Can’t this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.

B: I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters.

R: If you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn’t be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all! I’m talking toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything.

B: Okay, Xander…s.

R: We can prove you’re both Xander.
B: Yeah! How?

B: What number am I thinking?
R: I don’t think that’s gonna do it.
X1 & X2 : Eleven and a half.
B: Wrong. Oh! But see?

X2: It’s a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It’s not magic.
X1: No, I… huh, it is kind of cool. Washington’s still there, but he’s all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.

X: The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces.

X2: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit’s gone.
X1: I was thinking the same thing!

R: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn’t it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me, then.

X2: We’re completely identical.
X1: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Fingerprints!

A: Maybe we shouldn’t do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning.
X2: She’s joking.
X1: No, she’s not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is… wrong. And it would be very confusing.
G: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
W: Check. Candles and pretense.

A: It’s not like it’d be cheating. They’re both Xander.

A: Well, what do we do if it doesn’t work?
X1 & X2: Kill us both, Spock!
B: They’re kind of the same now.
G: Yes, he’s clearly a bad influence on himself.

A: I liked it the other way. Put him back.

X: At first it’s just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you’re like… that’s where Spike slept. And there, that’s where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that’s where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place.

A: Ooh, presents?
X: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have.

X: How is it that she can always make me feel suave Xander’s left the building?

R: Hey, I’m well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy’s like nobody else in the world. When I’m with her, it’s like… it’s like I’m split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I’m not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content… just knows: this is the one. But she doesn’t love me.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers