Real Me

Writer: David Fury Director: David Grossman

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg, Marc Blucas as Riley Finn, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Anthony Stewart Head as Rupert Giles. Main guest stars : Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers, Amber Benson as Tara, Mercedes McNab as Harmony Kendall, Brian Turk as Mort, Chaney Kley Minnis as Brad, Faith S. Abrahams as Peaches, Tom Lenk as Cyrus. Original broadcast date : October 3, 2000 My one-line description: Not even two minutes into her first full episode and she’s already whining… Buffy is training with Giles in a gym, concentrating with her eyes closed on a small board standing on end. Suddenly flipping herself up, she manages a perfect handstand on the board… until a noise distracts her and she tumbles to the floor. Looking up, she sees… Dawn, who asks her if they can go now. Dawn is on her bed, complaining (already!) to her diary that no one knows the real her – they don’t understand what it’s like to have an older sister who’s a Slayer. As she writes, her voice narrates… Dawn, Buffy and Joyce fix themselves some breakfast, and she comments that everybody cares what Buffy thinks because she has superpowers, and that mom lets her get away with everything. The Slayer announces that she and Giles are going to the magic shop for supplies. Joyce thinks it’s a perfect opportunity for Buffy to take her sister shopping for back-to-school supplies; neither of the sisters is very happy, but Joyce has an exhibit at the gallery. As she goes upstairs, Riley arrives, and he and Buffy get romantic. In voice-over, Dawn comments that they’re always over each other – she thinks they’ve even had sex. Giles is giving Buffy and Dawn a spin in his brand-new red BMW convertible, while lecturing Buffy on the importance of not letting personal concerns interfere with training… Dawn comments in voice-over that she doesn’t think Giles likes her very much, maybe because he’s so old. Giles is having trouble with the transmission, and he swears at the car, but admits that it did seduce him. Then he spots Willow and Tara, and realizes they haven’t seen his new wheels yet… Dawn comments that Willow is the coolest person she knows; she believes that doing spells is a lot cooler than slaying. She wishes Willow and Tara could show her what they do, but her mom isn’t cool with the witch stuff. As the girls walk together to the magic shop, they notice that the place looks closed. Inside, they realize the place has been trashed. Willow trips over the owner’s dead body, and Buffy drags Dawn outside before she can see it. As Dawn waits outside, a crazy man comes up to her and tells her that she can’t loiter around here. Dawn calls for her sister, but the man declares that he knows what she is, and that she doesn’t belong here. Tara comes out of the shop and finds Dawn sitting on the curb. She says that the others will be a while longer, and the two girls thumb-wrestle to pass the time. Buffy and Giles estimate that at least four vampires did this, which means someone has put together a new gang. Books are missing – including one about the Slayer, which means someone is trying to learn more about Buffy. Then, as he checks the invoices and notices the high profit rates and muses that the death rate must keep the rent low, Willow and Buffy discuss how Joyce wouldn’t be happy if Buffy were to abandon “Dawn duty” to look for the vampire’s lair. In a cave somewhere, Harmony is congratulating her new minions on a successful raid. After some banter, one of them, Mort, asks when they’re going ahead with “The Plan”. Tonight, answers Harmony – they kill the Slayer tonight. Dawn listens as Buffy and Joyce argue about who’s going to watch her while her mom goes back to the gallery and Buffy goes on patrol. The teen argues that she doesn’t need anyone to watch her, but Buffy and Joyce think otherwise – and decide to recruit Xander. This seems more than agreeable to Dawn – as she greets Xander at the door, it’s obvious she has a crush on him. In voice-over, she comments that Xander is so much cuter and smarter than the others – and brave, as he went undercover to defeat Dracula the previous week (hah!). Then Anya arrives, and Dawn is obviously not glad to see her. Unpacking their things in a new dorm room, Tara and Willow discuss how hard it must be for Dawn not to be in the gang. Tara notes that she knows what it is to be an outsider, but Willow argues that she’s not an outsider; Tara comments that the Scoobies have a bond that’s hard to break into, and she’s not sure she wants to. Willow tries to convince her she’s part of the gang, but Tara remains sceptical. Buffy is patrolling with Riley and ranting about how her mother made it her job to look after Dawn. She complains that although Dawn has always been the baby, recently it’s been bugging her more. Riley thinks it’s just because Buffy is her idol, but Buffy argues that you don’t spill things on your idol’s leather pants. She points out that Dawn annoys her because she acts as if being a kid is the worst burden in the world. Meanwhile, Dawn, who is playing “Life” with Xander and Anya, complains that Buffy is the favourite daughter, but Xander reassures her that Joyce loves both girls. Suddenly, a rock crashes through the window. A message to it challenges Buffy to “come out and die”. Outside with her gang, Harmony is waiting for the Slayer. Xander opens the front door and tells her Buffy’s not there, infuriating the blonde vampire. He worsens her mood by taunting her, and she launches herself at him – forgetting that she can’t come in. She bounces off the door, and a pleased Xander taunts her even more. She (for once) gives as good as she gets, telling Xander that apparently he was a good lapdog for Dracula. Dawn gets infuriated, and before Xander or Anya can stop her, she challenges Harmony to come in so Xander can kick her… Harmony, in full vamp face, is happy to oblige. She rushes in and falls to the floor wrestling with Xander. Luckily, her minions weren’t invited inside. As her and Xander fight, Anya tries to use a lamp as a weapon, but Harmony disarms her. However, Xander manages to kick Harmony out the door, and after she threatens to come back, he closes it, commenting that Buffy won’t be happy about this. Buffy laughs as Xander tells her about Harmony and her minions. She tries to calm down, but bursts out laughing again. She laughs even harder when she learns Harmony was here to kill her. Then Anya reports that Harmony can come inside the house anytime she wants, and Buffy abruptly stops laughing, realizing who made the invitation – Dawn. Going back to her lair, Harmony whines that her plan turned into a disaster. One of the minions, Brad, comments that he’s in for some more action – and gets punched in the face… by Spike, who also seems to be looking for some fun. Harmony orders her minions not to fight, but one of them, Mort, points out that Spike kills his own kind. He answers that “a bloke’s gotta have a hobby”. Then Harmony informs him that she has a new gang, and that she plans to kill the Slayer. Spike is not impressed, even if she says she won’t make the same mistakes he made. As he walks away, she threatens to kill everyone in town who was ever mean to her. Packing weapons with Riley, Buffy lets out her anger about Dawn inviting Harmony in. Xander reports that Willow and Tara will be performing an un-invitation spell, but Buffy is still quite displeased that Dawn, who has grown up in the house knowing not to invite dead bloodsuckers in, has done this. Riley reminds her Dawn is just a kid, but Buffy argues that she was “just a kid” when she staked her first vampire; she doesn’t think shielding Dawn from the world will help her. “We’re doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who’s going to get us all killed!”, she comments. Hearing this, Dawn runs downstairs in tears. Anya sees her go out the back door, and tries to get her back in – it’s not safe out there, she warns. And indeed, Mort shows up on the porch and punches Anya unconscious, while the other minions abduct Dawn. A bit later, Riley, Xander and Buffy find Anya downstairs, and she barely manages to let them know what happened. Buffy asks the guys to look after Anya and leaves the house. Back at Harmony’s lair, the vampires are wondering when they get to eat Dawn, but Harmony reminds them that the plan is to lure Buffy to them. Meanwhile, Buffy goes to Spike’s crypt and, without warning, punches him and slams him into the wall, asking where Harmony’s lair is. After repeated punches, he finally delivers the information. Harmony is complaining to Dawn that her minions don’t respect her and treat her like she doesn’t matter. She asks the teen if she has any idea what it feels like; “A little”, Dawn answers. Then said minions enter the room and inform Harmony they’ve decided that they don’t like her plan, and have a new one – eat Dawn and kill Harmony. Harmony whines about the unfairness of it, but Mort grabs her by the neck while Cyrus approaches Dawn. The frightened teen warns him that her sister will kill him if she touches her, but Cyrus and the minions just laugh… until a stake flies into his back. A smug Harmony attempts to take back control of the situation, but Buffy dusts two other minions, and then tells the vampire that she was already bad when she tried to be head cheerleader and to chair the Homecoming committee, and that when she tries to be bad, she sucks. Mort decides to attack just then, and Dawn warns Buffy who starts trading blows with the minion as Harmony escapes. After staking Mort, the Slayer tells Dawn that she’s in trouble. Dawn attempts to use leverage by warning to tell her mother that Buffy slayed in front of her, but Buffy isn’t scared – she recites to Dawn all the things she’s in trouble for – inviting a vampire in, getting Anya hurt, getting kidnapped… Finally, the girls get home by the back door just before an unsuspecting Joyce comes in through the front door. The next day, at the magic shop, Dawn writes in her diary as Buffy expresses her concern to Giles about him buying the place, since most owners seem to have a short life expectancy. He reassures her, and comments that it’ll help him gather resources without the Scoobies trampling his flat every day. He announces that there also be some room in the back for training, and they go have a look. Suddenly, Buffy opens the door again a few times, warning Dawn not to break anything, then not to touch anything, then not to move. “She still thinks I’m little Miss nobody. Just her dumb little sister,” the teenager writes in her diary. “Boy, is she in for a surprise.” Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac - “Dull for the most part. Mercedes, James, Nick and Emma keep it afloat.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, R=Riley, S=Spike, A=Anya, D=Dawn, T=Tara, J=Joyce, H=Harmony

G: There is nothing but you. You are the center, and within you, there is the core of your being… of what you are. Find it… breathe into it. Focus inward – let the world fall away… fall away… fall away…

D: Can we go now?

D: No one has an older sister who’s a Slayer. People wouldn’t be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just ’cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that’s such a crucial job skill in the real world!

D: I could so save the world if somebody handed me super-powers. But I’d think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn’t even.

D: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires – they die from a splinter.

B: We’re just going to the magic shop – no school supplies there. D: Yeah, Mom, I’m not going to Hogwarts. Hog– Geeze, crack a book sometime.

B: Suck up. R: What? It’s a nice outfit. Besides, “I’m here to violate your firstborn” never goes over with parents. I’m not sure why.

D: They’re always kissing… and groping. I bet they’ve had sex.

R: I thought we had plans today? B: Plans? We planned plans? R: Well, you said, “Come over tomorrow and we’ll hang,” and then I said, “Okay.” Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

R: Oh, Slayer training? B: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.

B: Are you mad at me? R: No, no, not at all. I’m plotting your death, but in a happy way.

R: See you, kid! D: I’m not a kid!

D: I don’t think Buffy’s Watcher likes me too much. I think it’s ’cause he’s just so… old. I’m not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word “newfangled” one time, so he’s got to be pretty far gone.

B: There’s a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?

B: You put it in neutral again, huh? G: I’m just not used to this automatic transmission. I– I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it’s not working out. B: Giles, are you breaking up with your car? G: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty. B: Little two-door tramp!

G: I was so at a loose end, that I found myself searching for… some way of feeling more– B: Shallow? G: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order. B: Do I haveta?

D: Hey, there’s Willow and Tara! G: Ooh, they haven’t seen my new car.

D: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they’d teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.

W: Buffy, you’re developing a work ethic! B: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?

B: But Giles said that it just was… W: The hell with Giles! G: I can hear you, Willow.

B: What happened to “People gotta respect a work ethic”? W: Other people, not me. There’s a whole best-friend loophole.

G: That’s odd. B: Well, I think “odd” just got upped to “bad.”

D: You’re hurting me. I’m telling.

B: Look like someone’s put together a new fang club.

G: I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down.

G: Which begs the question: What kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?

H: Good job, minions!

Brad: What? I had to get her something. She sired me. Vamp: Sire-whipped.

H: What’s your question? Cyrus: When are we gonna do it? H: Eww! That’s rude. I barely know you. And you’re a minion.

J: So, not only didn’t you take your sister shopping for school supplies, you brought her to a murder scene. B: No, I didn’t bring her to it, it just sort of came upon us.

D: Xander’s so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college, and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of… deep, you know? He builds things.

J: Dawn, be good. X: We will. We’re just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don’t know his name.

R: So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time? B: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it. R: I’m getting that.

R: Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

R: You have superpowers, and college, a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend.

A: Crap! Look at this– now I’m burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage. X: That means you’re winning. A: Really? X: Yes, cash equals good. A: Ooh! I’m so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

X: What could be funny? Just, “Look out! It’s a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!”

D: Shut up! X: Dawn, I’m handling this. Shut up, Harmony!

X: I’m afraid I don’t feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you. H: You’re the hair-puller, you big girl!

X: The invitation was for one.

A: A Slayer’s house should have more weapons lying around.

B: < giggling uncontrollably > Harmony has minions? X: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. B: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just… Harmony has minions! X: And ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there’s actually a more serious side to all this. B: I sure hope so, ’cause I’m having trouble breathing.

H: What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn’t even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.

Vamp: Who are you growling at? Cyrus: Not me, my stomach. If I don’t eat somebody soon, I’ll get dizzy. Vamp: Let’s go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet.

S: Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.

S: You look good. H: I feel good. S: I remember.

H: I’ve been doing my homework, reading books and stuff. S: What, “Evil For Dummies”?

S: Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you’re the new big bad. It’s, uh… well, let’s face it, it’s adorable.

H: I’ve found the real me, and I like her. S: Hope you’ll be very happy together.

S: Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.

B: Especially the biggie, numero one-o. “Do not invite blood-sucking dead people into our home.”

B: I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.

H: Once again, nice work, minionators!

H: Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest… comfortable? Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall. H: Yeah, I know, I’m being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?

H: They treat me like I don’t even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like? D: A little.

Mort: We’re gonna feed on the girl, and kill you. Maybe not in that order.

D: Touch me and my sister’s gonna kill you. //vamp extends one finger and lightly touches Dawn// //stake, pouf!// B: Can’t say she didn’t warn him.

H: So, Slayer. At last we meet. B: We’ve met, Harmony, you half-wit.

B: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad, you suck.

D: Yeah, well, I’m telling Mom you slayed in front of me.

D: Anya’s going to be okay, and Xander wasn’t mad at me, so stuff mostly worked out.

B: Giles, are you sure about this? G: Why wouldn’t I be? B: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before? G: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don’t return.

B: How bored WERE you last year? G: I watched “Passions” with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

B: (to Dawn) Don’t break anything. Just don’t touch anything. What you’re doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.

D: She still thinks I’m little Miss Nobody. Just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise. Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers