Smashed

Writer: Drew Z. Greenberg Director : Turi Meyer

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars : Amber Benson as Tara, Adam Busch as Warren, Danny Strong as Jonathan, Tom Lenk as Andrew, Elizabeth Ann Allen as Amy Madison, Jack Jozefson as Rusty the Security guard.

Original broadcast date : November 20, 2001

My one-line description: Move over, Xander. The real house-demolition team is here.

Buffy is busy saving a woman being mugged, and Spike intervenes, trying to help ­ but he can¹t hurt humans. After Buffy is done, they talk about their making out, which is becoming something of a habit. Buffy is in denial mode, swearing it will never happen again. As she walks away, Spike tells her he knows she¹ll come back for more when she realizes he¹s the only one for her.

In her room, Willow tries to get over Tara¹s departure by solving the mystery that is Amy¹s ratness. Suddenly hit by inspiration, she utters “Reveal!” and the solution appears. She uses it to bring back a very naked and frightened Amy.

At the town Museum, the Troika is busy stealing a large diamond. They succeed, but trip the alarm, which brings Rusty the Security guard to the rescue. They use Warren¹s Freeze Ray on him, accidentally encasing Jonathan¹s arm in iceŠ Which doesn¹t hinder them in their escape. Jonathan, Andrew and Warren break into a museum and steal a large diamond.

At the Summers house, Willow is filling Amy in on what¹s been happening while she was gone; Buffy arrives and momentarily mistakes Amy for Tara. Stunned that Willow has succeeded in de-ratting her, Buffy asks her how she¹s been. “Rat. You?”, Amy answers. “Dead”, Buffy says. Amy then asks Buffy if there are cookies somewhere in the kitchen, and goes to fetch them.

The next scene finds Amy on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, eating cookies and watching TV. As Buffy arrives, a news report comes on about the frozen security guard and stolen diamond at the museum. Buffy decides to go take a closer look.

When she gets to the crime scene, Spike is there for her. They start bantering again, then argue and fight. Spike actually hits Buffy, and is stunned to find that it doesn¹t hurt. He pretends to feel pain, though, and an unsuspecting Buffy mouths off at him, calling him a “thing” before storming away. Realizing he can hurt humans again, Spike tries it out on a woman in a dark alley, but when he goes to bite her, he howls in pain. “What the hell is going on???”, he shouts, frustrated.

In an amusement park, Tara is commenting on the huge milkshake Dawn is having. She tries to explain to the teen why she had to leave, and Dawn says that she understands. She also tells Tara that Willow hasn¹t been as obsessive with magic since then.

At the Magic Box, the Scoobies meet to do research on the stolen diamond. Willow pulls out her laptop, and Buffy and Xander rejoice that she¹s going back to her roots. However, magic crackles from Willow¹s hands as she operates the computer without even touching the keyboard or looking at the screen. This disturbs her friends, but she comments that it¹s faster. Realizing they¹re uncomfortable with her and Tara breaking up, she tells them it¹s okay, and that Tara had issues with unimportant things. She leaves, going back to the house to find Amy.

Spike goes to the Troika¹s lair and bullies them (threatening a Bobba Fett action figure with destruction) into examining his chip. Warren takes a look, and concludes that the chip is working perfectly. Spike realizes that if there¹s nothing wrong with him, there must be something wrong with herŠ

At the Summers house, Amy tells Willow that she wants to go out for a night on the town. Willow hesitates, but when Amy brings up the redhead¹s nerdy days, Willow, eager to prove those days are behind her, accepts. Thus, Tara and Dawn come home to an empty house, and Dawn convinces Tara to stay with her until Willow and Buffy come back.

At the Bronze, Willow and Amy play pool, discussing the past three years¹ events in Sunnydale. The camera pans out to show that they are playing without cues, using magic to hit the balls. Two guys come over, asking them for a dance; Amy tries to get Willow a date more to her liking, putting a spell on a nearby woman ­ however, Willow is uncomfortable with the concept, and Amy goes to dance with the guys as Willow looks on.

At the bar, Willow is threatening the olive in her martini with the gullet, when Amy comes back from the dance floor. They start chatting again, but the two guys aren¹t done with them. They come on pretty strong to Amy, and make a very rude comment about Willow¹s lesbianism. Outraged, Amy works a spell that puts the two guys in cages, dancing in their underwear.

At the Magic Box, Buffy, Anya and Xander are still trying to find the demon responsible for the frozen security guard, and realizing that research just isn¹t that effective since Giles left. The conversation shifts to Willow¹s excessive use of magic, and suddenly the phone rings ­ Spike, acting mysterious, tells Buffy to meet him in the cemetery. Stunned, she hangs up and discusses it with Xander and Anya. However, they decide they are too tired to keep researching, and close up shop.

On her way back home, Buffy runs into Spike, which annoys the hell out of her. He taunts her into hitting him, which motivates him to hit her back and show her that there is no more pain. “HowŠ?”, she asks, aghast. He tells her that she mustn¹t have come back quite right; angry, Buffy hits him again, and they start fighting.

At the Magic Box, Willow and Amy have turned the Bronze into a fun house ­ they¹ve feminized the singer, materialized animals and demons, created energy ballsŠ but they¹re quickly getting bored. Amy comments that there has to be a bigger place than this, and they decide to leave, reverting the Bronze to its normal configuration.

Buffy and Spike are now inside an abandoned house, still fighting and throwing verbal insults at each other. After throwing Spike in a brick chimney, shattering it, Buffy comments that he¹s in love with pain. He knocks her back, and just as he¹s about to argue about him loving her, she kisses him, violently, climbing on him. They knock into the opposite wall, compromising the already weakened building. Obviously deep in sexual intercourse, they topple down to the floor, making it collapse and falling to the lower level, still having sex, oblivious to the destruction around them.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac - “I could go a lifetime without seeing an ending like that again.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, Wn=Warren, J=Jonathan, Aw=Andrew, Am=Amy

Mugging victim 1: I’m sure we can work something out. Mugging victim 2: A deal of some sort. Anything you want. B: I always wanted a pony. Oh, you weren’t really speaking to me, were you? My bad.

B: Wow. A mugging. Haven’t gotten one of those in a while. Usually it’s blood, and with the horror… Just a good old-fashioned mugging. Kinda sweet, actually. Oh, well, not for you. Here. Go. Now.

B: But not too sweet for you either, huh? Come on. Rush me. It’ll be funny.

S: I thought they were demons. B: Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher. S: Remind me not to help you. B: More often?

S: You’d think if the government was gonna put a chip in my head, they’d at least make it so I could attack criminals and that sort. B: Yes, because muggers deserve to be eaten.

B: You’ll just have to get your rocks off fightin’ demons. S: There are other ways. B: And to that, an extreme “see you later.”

S: You’re a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fella’s motor revvin’, let the tension marinate a couple of days, then bam! Crown yourself the Ice Queen. B: You need a few more metaphors for that little mix?

W: What’s the matter, Amy? You lonely? We need to get you a nice companion rat that you can love, play with and grow attached to, until one day they leave you for no good reason. Won’t that be fun?

Wn: Dude, what are you doing? J: We’re not breaking into Langley here. It’s Sunnydale. Aw: Well, you never know what new stuff they have. Better safe than… Wn: Okay, the security system here is a guy named Rusty.

Aw: Whoa, head rush. Cool.

Aw: See, that’s cool. How come he gets to play with all the cool stuff? J: Because I’m allergic to methane and you’re still afraid of hot things. Aw: I know. J: Besides, the tank kept making both of us tip over, remember?

Rusty the Guard: What are you boys doing? Wn: We’re with a tour group. The get-the-freeze-ray tour group.

Wn: ’Cause we love the learning, Rusty. Museums, libraries, Disney Hall of Presidents - not boring.

Wn: Dude, that is so cool! Aw: The freeze ray totally worked. J: Yeah, uh, not exactly. Wn: So, there’s a kink or two. It’s just a prototype. I mean, but soon we’ll have… J: Yeah, that’s really neat-o and stuff, but in the meantime, you know… ow!

Wn: Be a bigger wuss. J: Can we just go back to the lair? Because I can’t really feel my fingers.

Aw: Won’t he tell on us? Wn: And say what? “Two guys and a mime took me out with their freeze ray”?

Am: Just, you know… Everything feels weird. I mean, it’s like… I felt I was in that cage for WEEKS. But it can still be okay, right? I can still get into the swing of things. Like, prom’s coming up. I was so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at… Oh, Oh, god. He hasn’t asked someone else, has he? W: Uh, Amy. Three things we need to talk about: 1- Larry’s gay. 2- Larry’s dead. And 3- high school’s kinda over.

B: How you doin’? W: Oh, okay. B: Yeah? W: Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy, but okay.

Am: The whole school? By a giant snake thing? Okay, still adjusting. Hi, Buffy. B: Hi. How’ve you been? Am: Rat. You? B: Dead. Am: Oh.

Am: Do you have any cookies? B: Uh, yeah. What kind? Am: Any kind. Not cheese.

B: It’s nothing. I mean, the whole Amy-rat-Amy thing - no way I’m topping that.

Am: It’s crazy, all the things that have happened since I went away. B: No kidding. Am: Snyder eaten by a snake, the high school got destroyed… B: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor - blue. Am: See? Head spinning. People getting frozen, Willow’s dating girls. And did you hear about Tom and Nicole?

S: You know, as long as we’re both here, you might as well tag along. I mean, as a team we could… B: Yeah, that never really ends well, does it? S: It did the other night.

B: But when I kissed you, you know I was thinking about Giles, right? S: You know, I always wondered about you two. B: What? Oh, gross, Spike! He left, I was depressed, ergo vulnerability and bad kissing decisions.

S: Look at all the goodies.

S: That’s right, you should scream. Creature of the night here, yeah? Some people forget that. Girl: Please. S: She thinks I’m housebroken. She forgot who she’s dealing with. Girl: Anything you want… S: Just ’cause she’s confused about where she fits in, I’m supposed to be, too? ’Cause I’m not. I know what I am. I’m dangerous. I’m evil. Girl: I’m sure you’re not evil. S: Yes, I am. I am a killer. That’s what I do. I kill. And yeah, maybe it’s been a long time, but… It’s not like you forget how. You just do it. And now I can again, all right? So here goes. This might hurt a little.

T: Good god, that’s a lot of shake. I mean, I know, part of our big movie-and-milkshake fun day, but… good god, that’s a lot of milkshake! D: Helps to wash down the Raisinettes. T: Promise me that you will eat something green tonight? Leafy green, not gummi green.

D: It was ironic when all those cute inner-city kids taught their coach a valuable lesson. T: You know that I will always be there for you, right? [pause] There-there was actually more of a lead-in when I practiced that at home.

A: The text I wanted, Giles took it with him. He has this thing that owning a book makes it, like, his property.

B: Should we call him? It’s like the middle of last night there. Or, maybe it’s tomorrow. Anyone remember how that works?

X: All right, back to basics. A little old-fashioned state-of-the-art hacker action. B: That’s great, Will. I haven’t seen you do that in a long time. [Willow places hands above keyboard and a glow starts to emanate from laptop] B: I don’t remember that part.

B: Well, is it a supernatural diamond? You know, like healing powers or good-lucky? A: Maybe it’s cursed. Diamonds are excellent for cursing.

A: Oh, for crying out loud! This is bizarre. You’re all “la la la!” with the magic and the not talking, like everything’s normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you, and now everyone’s scared to say anything to you. Except me. [to Xander] Is this the thing I do that you were commenting… X: Uh-huh.

W: I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff. You know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner… B: Let’s definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.

J: I didn’t know it’d be so sparkly. Aw: It’s so big. Wn: Yes, gentlemen, it turns out size *is* everything. [to Jonathan] No offense, man.

Aw: Hello? It’s called knocking. S: Knock-knock, Robot Boy. You need to look at my chip. J: Is that, like, British slang or something? ’Cause we’re not…

Wn: We’re kinda in the middle of something. S: Oh, you can play holodeck another time.

S: Examine my chip, or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die. J: Hey! All right - let’s not do anything crazy here. Aw: That’s a limited edition 1979 mint-condition Boba Fett!

Aw: Dudes, I think that’s Spike. J: Of course it is, and he’s evil. Completely capable of removing that head.

Am: I wish there was a way that I could make him forget about the last three years. W: Oh, well, hey, I can help you with that! Only, you might want to sew your name into your clothes first or something.

W: Well, what do you want to do? Am: I don’t know. Something fun. Anything not involving a big wheel.

Aw: You’re English, right? S: Yeah. Aw: I’ve seen every episode of *Dr. Who*. Not *Red Dwarf*, though, ’cause, um… J: ’Cause it’s not out yet on DVD.

S: Help me out here, Spock. I don’t speak loser.

W: I know, Xander engaged. I couldn’t believe it either. Am: It’s just so weird. So, what’s she like? W: Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit-phobia. Am: Well, that’s so his type.

W: No use looking at me like that. It’s the gullet for you, mister.

Am: You know, if rats could dance, they probably wouldn’t gnaw so much.

X: Aha! I got it! Here’s our villain right here. [pause] What? A: That’s a D & D manual, sweetie.

A: Let’s face it, we’re not gonna find this thing, because it doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as a frost monster who eats diamonds. B: Well, maybe he doesn’t eat them. You know, maybe he just… thinks they’re pretty. [pause] We suck.

B: It’s Willow - she of the level head. A: Well, those are the ones you have to watch out for the most. Responsible types. B: Right. She might go crazy and start alphabetizing everything.

S: [in low and seductive voice] Slayer. B: Spike? S: Meet me at the cemetery. Twenty minutes. Come alone. B: Spike? S: Bloody hell. [normal voice] Yes, it’s me. B: You’re calling me on the phone?

S: Thought you might be up for a little grunt work. B: What? No. No grunting! S: I was talking shop, luv, but if you’ve got other ideas… You, me, cozy little tomb with a view…

X: So, what did Captain Peroxide want?

X: It seems like we’ve been through every book. A: Yeah, even the ones that weren’t so boring you wanted to kill yourself. X: We have those?

B: I’m just saying - all the things that have happened lately– Okay, the bank robbery, the jewelry heist… X: The exploding lint. B: Is it just me, or do these things seem really… A: Lame?

A: Optimism. I remember optimism. X: That’s because you’re, like, a thousand.

S: You shouldn’t be so flip, luv. B: What are you going to do, walk behind me to death?

S: Oh, the pain, the pain… is gone.

S; Don’t you get it? Don’t you see? You came back wrong.

S: Hello? Vampire. I’m supposed to be treading on the dark side. What’s your excuse?

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers