Dead Things

Writer: Steven S. DeKnight Director: James A. Contner

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars : Danny Strong as Jonathan, Adam Busch as Warren, Tom Lenk as Andrew, Amelinda Embry as Katrina Silvers, Amber Benson as Tara.

Original broadcast date : February 5, 2002

My one-line description: Sometimes, being normal is the worst thing you could ever want to be. Especially in Sunnydale.

After some wild and heavy sex that leaves them lying under the carpet in Spike¹s Crypt, Buffy and Spike enjoy post-sex banter about decorating, before realizing they¹re having a real conversation. “Do you even like me?”, asks Spike half-mockingly. “Sometimes”, answers Buffy. She disappears under the carpet, looking for her underwear. When she comes back up, Spike is holding a pair of handcuffs; he asks her if she trusts him. “Never!”, she answers.

In their new lair, the three geeks are finishing up their new gadget, a cerebral dampener ­ which will enable them to turn any woman into their willing sex slave.

At the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy takes a break to have a chat with Tara in private. While rubbing her sore wrists (handcuffs, he he), she informs Tara that Spike can hit her without the chip going off, and wonders whether she came back wrong. She asks Tara to research the spell that brought her back.

Warren walks casually through a bar, while Andrew and Jonathan watch through a camera hidden in his tie and direct him, via a microphone, to various candidates for sex bunny. But Warren has other plans; taking off his earpiece, he goes straight to a young woman sitting at the bar ­ his former girlfriend, Katrina. Katrina doesn¹t want to talk to him, though, and they start to argue. Her tone changes, though, when he uses the cerebral dampener on her ­ her eyes glaze over, and she starts calling him “Master”.

Exhausted after a long workday, Buffy arrives home to find Xander teaching Dawn to waltz for the wedding. The Scoobies ask Buffy if she¹d like to go out, but she answers that she¹s too tired. However, when Dawn reveals that she¹s spending the night at Janice¹s ­ for real this time ­ an upset Buffy changes her mind and decides the Bronze is a good idea after all.

In their lair, the supervillains toast crime with champagne served by a very robotic-looking Katrina, dressed in a French maid outfit. They argue about which one of them gets her first, but of course, Warren wins and takes her away to a private room. As they kiss, Warren asks her to tell him that she loves him. “I love you, Master”, she drones. He asks her to say it again, and she slips, saying “I love you, Warren.”

Realizing the spell is wearing off, Warren tries to zap her again, but the cerebral dampener is depleted, and a now irate Katrina lets loose on him, Jonathan and Andrew, accusing them of rape. She tries to escape, but Warren catches her and hits her with the empty champagne bottle. He then instructs his buddies to get the cerebral dampener, but Jonathan realizes that Katrina is deadŠ The three are shocked, but Warren rallies quickly and starts on a plan to get rid of the body and pin the murder on someone else. Jonathan and Andrew, however, don¹t look too eager to cover up the murder.

At the Bronze, Xander and Anya dance away to the sounds of ragtime music while Buffy and Willow watch on and chat. Finally, Willow succumbs to the rhythm and joins the couple, while Buffy goes upstairs and watches them from above. Spike shows up and asks her how her friends below would react if they knew about the two of them. As they have sex standing up, he tells her to watch her friends, to realize that she belongs in the shadows with him, not with them.

The next day, Xander and Willow are walking toward the Magic Box when they encounter Tara, who¹s just leaving the shop, a book under her arm. Xander excuses himself, and the two former lovers talk rather awkwardly ­ Tara gives some info about the book she¹s carrying, and Willow tells her that she hasn¹t done any spells for 32 daysŠ

That night, Buffy patrols in the cemetery, and is tempted to knock on the door of Spike¹s crypt. Spike senses her, and opens the door ­ but she¹s gone.

Resuming her patrol, Buffy hears a woman scream and runs toward the sound. Suddenly, events start shifting weirdly as some demons intervene, Spike arrives, and the woman keeps screaming for help. Finally, the events resolve themselves in Buffy striking out at something ­ Katrina. The woman rolls down a hill, and Buffy follows to find Katrina dead. As Buffy stares, appalled at what she¹s done, a live Katrina watches from the shadowsŠ

Spike walks a very disturbed Buffy back to her house, while Katrina¹s “double” returns to Warren¹s van and reverts back to Jonathan.

Asleep in her own bed, Buffy dreams that she¹s having sex with Spike ­ then Spike is bound with handcuffs in his crypt, and then he morphs into Katrina, in the woods. Buffy lowers a stake to Spike¹s chest, and then shoves it in Katrina¹s chest.

Buffy wakes up, thoroughly spooked, to find herself alone in her room. She dresses up and walks quietly to Dawn¹s room. Dawn sleepily asks her what time it is, and Buffy reminds her that she loves her. She confesses that an accident has happened and that she has to go to the police. Dawn is scared, and rather upset that her sister seems to have found a way not to be with her.

In an alley behind the police station, Spike catches Buffy and tries to talk her out of turning herself in. He tells her that he took care of Katrina¹s body ­ but then they overhear two policemen passing by, talking about a body just found washed up by the river. Spike is disappointed that his cover-up didn¹t work, but he still argues that there is nothing that justifies Buffy turning herself in, especially not with the countless lives she¹s saved.

Buffy gets angry and starts beating Spike up. He encourages her, telling her to let it out. As she hits him over and over, she tells him that she will never be his girl, that he¹s disgusting. “You always hurt the one you love, pet”, he tells her. Wounded, she lets go of him and walks away, still intent on turning herself in.

Buffy walks into the police station, but before she can say anything, the cop at the front desk asks her to wait as he takes a call. She overhears him taking note of the name of the murdered girl ­ Katrina Silvers. Understanding dawns on Buffy¹s face as she remembers Warren¹s ex-girlfriendŠ When the cop hangs up and asks Buffy what he can do for her, she¹s gone.

At the Magic Box, Anya confirms to Buffy that the demons she encountered in the woods were responsible for the time shifts, and that Katrina was probably dead long before that. Buffy remarks that Warren is somehow connected to the murder, and that they have to find him and his buddies.

In the Troika¹s lair, Warren and Andrew are impressed at getting away with murder, even if Buffy didn¹t fall for Warren¹s scheme. However, Jonathan looks rather uneasy with the whole event.

In Buffy¹s living room, Tara informs the Slayer that she didn¹t come back wrong, apart from being changed slightly on a molecular level, which is what keeps Spike¹s chip from going off. A shocked Buffy argues that she has to have come back wrong, otherwise she wouldn¹t let Spike do “these things” to her. Tara realizes what Buffy is really talking about, and remains supportive. But that¹s not what Buffy wants ­ falling on her knees, crying convulsively, she desperately pleads with Tara for something to be wrong with her.

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac -

“Quietly became a favorite of mine after viewing it a couple more times. One of the better episodes of the season.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, J=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew, K=Katrina

B: We missed the bed again. S: Lucky for the bed. B: Is this a new rug. S: Um, no. Just looks different when you’re under it.

B: You know, this place is okay for a hole in the ground. You fixed it up. S: Well, I ate a decorator once. Maybe something stuck. B: I’ve been thinking about doing something to my room. S: Yeah? B: Yeah, I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

S: Are we having a conversation? B: What? No. No. Maybe.

S: Well, isn’t this usually the part where you kick me in the head and run out, virtue fluttering? B: That’s the plan… as soon as my legs start working.

S: You were amazing. B: You got the job done yourself. S: I was just trying to keep up. The things you do. The way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I’ve never been with such an animal. B: I’m not an animal. S: You wanna see the bite marks?

S: Do you trust me? B: Never.

Aw: How can I trust you not to touch my stuff? Actually living with supervillains was not part of the deal.

Aw: Couldn’t we have at least gotten a lair with a view?

Wn: When you girls are done touching each other, the cerebral dampener’s ready to be charged.

Aw: Musk gland of a Hombja’moleev demon. Oh, ew! Fresh.

J: Okay… ow!

B: Doublemeat is double sweet! Enjoy. Just somethin’ I’m trying.

T: Sorry I’m late. B: Oh, time has no meaning here.

T: I have this sudden urge to dedicate my productive cooperation. B: Well, if you close your eyes and repeatedly smash yourself in the head with frozen meat until it goes away. Eventually. I’m hoping.

J: Mad Dog 2 to Mad Dog 1. Aw: I thought I was Mad Dog 2? J: Mad Dog 3 to Mad Dog 1…

Aw: We can really have anyone we want. J: It’s like candy. Aw: Juicy, pulsating candy.

J: Put the whammy on the neck! Aw: No, the redhead. I want the redhead. J: The redhead’s too tall. Aw: So get a stepladder.

J: Yeah, go for the one with the bazoombas. Aw: Go for the bazoombas. J & Aw: Bazoomba, bazoomba…

K: Yeah, it’s the seeing you part that’s throwing me here, Warren, because I thought I was pretty clear with the never wanting that to happen again. Wn: Never’s a long time, baby. K: Apparently, not long enough. Wn: Oh, you’re not still sore about that thing, are you? K: What thing would that be, exactly? The wind-up slut you tinkered together, or when little Miss Nuts-and-Bolts tried to choke me to death? Wn: Okay, so I’ve made a few mistakes.

B: I’m home. Who wants to help scrape the grease off my…

X: Wanna go for a spin? B: Nah, I think I’m heading more towards an ungainly collapse.

X: Tall glasses of frosty relaxation on me! Nectar of the working man.

B: I think I’ll stay here with Dawn. Curl up on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and… listen to cars honk?

B: Where are you going? D: Sleeping over at Janice’s. B: And I’m falling for that again because of the surprise lobotomy?

B: Frosty nectar, now, please.

Wn: Gentlemen - to crime!

Aw: Crime tastes funny.

Wn: I love you, too, baby. Get on your knees.

K: Who the hell are you? Aw: Um, your masters?

K: You were going to share me with these two dorks? Aw: Hey, we’re supervillains. Call us master.

K: There is no us, Warren, get that through your big, meaty head.

J: She’s your ex? Aw: Dude, that is mixed up. K: Oh, you think?

Wn: We have two problems - the body and the Slayer. Well, what if there was a way that we could take care of them both… with one big stone?

W: We’re not gonna have to do that at the wedding, are we? ’Cause there’s this last thread of dignity I’ve been desperately clinging to.

X: Hey, I see sitting where there should be dancing. A: Come share in the joy of our groove thang. W: And despite that, I succumb to the beat. B: I think I’ll catch the next soul train out.

S: You see, you try to be with them… but you always end up in the dark… with me.

X: I think I pulled a jive muscle last night. W: The Funky Monkey claims another victim.

X: I’m gonna go bring Anya up to speed on that monkey situation. T: There’s a monkey problem? W: Only if you don’t stretch first.

W: No spells for 32 days. I can even go to the Magic Shop now, as long as someone’s with me at all times.

B: Don’t think about the evil blood-sucking fiend. Focus on anything but the evil blood-sucking fiend. < woman screams > < Buffy looks up > Thank you.

Wn: Two problems - one stone.

Aw: What happens now? J: Well, the night’s young. Gotta be some more girls we could kill.

S: No one’ll ever find her. Policeman 1: Where’d they find her? Policeman 2: The river. She washed up a half-mile from the cemetery. S; Oh, balls.

S: I love you. B: No, you don’t. S: You think I haven’t tried not to?

S: You always hurt the one you love, pet.

A: Its presence in our dimension causes a sort of localized temporal disturbance. B: So that’s why time went all David Lynch?

B: We need to find Warren and the other. Whatever they’ve done, they’re not going to get away with it. //meanwhile, across town// Wn: We’re gonna get away with it.

Aw: We really got away with murder. That’s… kind of cool.

T: You’re the same Buffy. With a deep tropical cellular tan.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers