Doublemeat Palace

Writer: Jane Espenson Director: Nick Marck

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, Amber Benson as Tara, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars : Elizabeth Ann Allen as Amy Madison, Brent Hinkley as Manny the Manager, Pat Crawford Brown as Wig Lady, Kali Rocha as Halfrek, T. Ferguson as Gary, Andrew Reville as Timothy.

Original broadcast date : January 29, 2002

My one-line description: You¹ll never look at your burger the same way again. And that¹s because it may be looking back.

In the Summers house living room, Willow is describing to Anya and Xander what she found in the Troika¹s lair, including some action figures and “that woman from Enterprise”. She also informs them that the three geeks seem to have disappeared, leading Anya to get into a rant about how important it is to work for money and how the workers are the tools that shape America.

“Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool”, answers Buffy, walking into the living room, wearing a fast-food restaurant uniform ­ including a hat with a cow and a chicken on itŠ

Later, at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy is shown a rather graphic video explaining how a chicken and a cow physically come together to form the Doublemeat Medley. Afterwards, Manny, the very unique and unsmiling manager, introduces her to her (unsmiling) coworkers, and orders her to eat a Doublemeat Medley, to experience it firsthand. Reluctantly, she takes a bite, then asks what the secret ingredient is, but Manny doesn¹t answer her. She reluctantly takes a bite, then questions what the secret ingredient in the meat is, but gets no clear answer.

Manny pairs Buffy with Gary, a coworker, to learn the cash register. Gary takes a wig-wearing old lady¹s order, then Buffy takes the next customer, but is rapidly confused by all the buttons. She then finds that her friends and her sister are waiting in line, eager to encourage her. Buffy (regardless of her financial distress) treats Xander to a Doublemeat Medley.

Later, during a lull in business, Buffy finds Spike at the counter, looking at the menu. She tells him that she¹s working, but he tries to convince her that she doesn¹t need to work here, that this place will kill her, and that he can get money if she needs it. Buffy asks him to leave, but her break, a bit later on, finds both of them having sex against a wall in the back of the restaurant.

Meanwhile, Gary takes the garbage out to the compacter outside in the alley, but is attacked by somebodyŠ or something.

The next day, Gary doesn¹t show up, and Manny condemns Buffy to a double-shift. She gets the invaluable chance of learn how to work the grill under the tutoring of Timothy, another not-quite-normal coworker. Again, she tries to get some info about the secret ingredient, but gets no answer.

At their apartment, Xander sits alone in the living room, shouting to Anya, who¹s in another room, about Buffy having to work double shifts. Suddenly, a vengeance demon appears, startling him, and threatens to inflict bodily harm on him. Lucky for him, Anya enters the room and recognizes the demon as Halfrek ­ or Hally ­ an old friend. Anya explains that she invited Halfrek for the wedding, not for vengeance, but Xander decides it may be wiser to let the two girls have a private chat.

At the Summers house, Amy enters Willow¹s room, asking for her rat cage ­ she wants to keep it as a souvenir, since it was home to her for a few years. She also asks Willow how the cold turkey with the magic is working out; before she leaves, she zaps the redhead, giving her a parting gift ­ Willow panics, unable to control the magic suddenly coursing through her.

At the Doublemeat Palace, a new batch of meat has been delivered, and Buffy distractedly watches the meat grinder doing its job. However, looking at the processed meat falling out of the machine, she findsŠ a finger. Now almost certain that the “secret ingredient” is human flesh, Buffy confronts Manny, bringing up Gary¹s disappearance. When he dismisses her findings, she runs out into the dining area, knocking trays off tables, shouting to patrons to stop eating, that the meat is made of human beings. Outraged, Manny fires her.

Meanwhile, Anya and Halfrek are having a drink and discussing the upcoming wedding. Halfrek asks Anya to tell her more about Xander, and Anya starts to get worried that Halfrek thinks she¹s making a mistake. The vengeance demon innocently increases Anya¹s uncertainties, encouraging her to second-guess herself over Xander¹s worth as a future husband.

Buffy enters the Magic Box, where she¹s called a Scooby meeting. She puts a Doublemeat Medley burger on the table, then goes to the counter and shows Dawn the severed finger, saying it¹s evidence the meat is made from human beings. An alarmed cough is heard behind them ­ Xander, who¹s finished wolfing down the burger, has overheard them. Buffy berates Xander (who¹s about to be sick) for eating the burger, but a still-magically-influenced Willow (trying uneasily to hide it) arrives and suggests that they chemically analyze the meat scrapings left on the wrapper.

While Buffy goes back to the now-closed for the night Doublemeat Palace, Willow nervously conducts her chemical tests, complaining about how long it¹s taking. As she analyses the meat scrapings, Dawn admits to Xander that she¹s concerned Buffy will never be able to have a lucrative job, what with her Slayer dutiesŠ

Anya enters, her conversation with Halfrek fresh in her mind, and starts trying to confront Xander on his views regarding demons. They start to argue, but are interrupted by Willow ­ the scrapings aren¹t human flesh, or even meat. They¹re a kind of vegetable proteinŠ

At the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy has found all that¹s left of Manny ­ his foot, still in his shoe. Resuming her snooping, she finds a grey wig ­ belonging to the old lady who¹s a regular customer. Just then, the said wig lady ­ sans wig ­ comes up behind Buffy and explains that she has to do “something to hide this”. A giant lamprey emerges from the top of her head, screaming at Buffy and spraying her with a paralysing venom. The wig lady-lamprey announces that she¹s intent on eating Buffy ­ she thrives on Doublemeat Palace employees, who are so full of burgers they slide down smooth.

While Buffy tries to escape, Willow shows up outside and uses the Drive-Thru intercom to tell her friend that the Medley is not made of humans, but vegetables. Buffy hears all of it, but can¹t answer ­ she¹s still being chased by the lamprey, who finally latches on to her shoulder and starts chewing on it. But Willow, worried at the lack of response, has broken in and shows up just in time to duck a spray of paralysing venom. Thinking she got rid of Willow, the wig lady brags.

“Missed me”, says Willow, appearing again armed with a blade, which she uses to sever the lamprey from the woman¹s body. Buffy and Willow then kill it by throwing it in the meat grinder. “Ewwww”, both girls exclaim in unison, as yellow gore spews out of the machine.

The next day, Amy walks up to the Summers house, needing to borrow detergent. Willow refuses and coldly warns her off, saying that whether she¹s a friend or not, she¹d better stay away from her.

Meanwhile, at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy comes in to bring back her uniform, and is greeted by the new manager. Intrigued, the Slayer asks her about the secret ingredient being vegetables; worried, the manager urges her to close the door, then admits to Buffy that the secret ingredient is a kind of vegetable protein with beef. Concluding that the information is valuable, Buffy asks the manager if she can have her job back for keeping the secretŠ

Summary by OttsFiveByFive.

Episode Ratings

Mac - “Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the worst episode of the season. But it wasn’t good either. Willow chops off the penis demon. Another subtle metaphore.”

Quotes

Key: B=Buffy, G=Giles, X=Xander, W=Willow, S=Spike, A=Anya, T=Tara, D=Dawn, J=Jonathan, Wn=Warren, Aw=Andrew, Am=Amy, M=Manny the Manager, G=Gary, H=Halfrek

X: Now, I get Warren being the super villain type, but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson.

W: You should have seen their headquarters. It was, like, the nerd natural habitat.

W: Hey, respect the narrative flow much? A: Please, continue the story of failure.

W: And they had other stuff, you know, razor scooters, and pictures of the Vulcan woman on Enterprise. X: Oooh! < pause > I mean, nerds.

A: Okay, see, this is why demons are better than people. W: Interesting turn. A: When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day’s work doing it, and I got compensated appropriately. X: Welcome to today’s episode of “Go, money, go!” I hear it daily. W: Yup, for the rest of your life. A: But supervillains want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It’s wrong. Without labor there can be no payment, and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America. B: Good to know. I was kinda feeling like a tool. And now I know why.

Doublemeat Palace training film: This cow (moo!) and this chicken (bawk!) don’t know it yet, but they’re destined to become part of it as well. So what happens when a cow and a chicken get together? Why, that’s a doublemeat medley! Let’s take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats. < frantic barnyard sounds > B: Holy crap!

M: Interesting, isn’t it? B: Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they’ve never met. It’s like Sleepless in Seattle if Meg and Tom were, like, minced.

M: Watch these two. B: Are they gonna do something?

M: This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the Doublemeat Palace.

B: Fill this? I didn’t know there was going to be drug testing on this job.

G: You’re funny. You better stop that. B: Why? G: Productivity. One of Manny[’s watchwords. “Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of the company.” B: I prefer the one that goes, “Manny is a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.”

B: You hit so many buttons, it was like buttonpalooza.

B: Excuse me, this button, does it look chocolatey to you?

M: You don’t need to be in there. B: Sorry. Was just curious. M: Curiosity killed the cat. B: Theory #5: Cat-burgers.

A: We’re here to support your subsistance-level employment. Bravo!

B: It was a diner and we had, you know, lots of people who didn’t tip, and funny, funny health-code violations.

X: It’s fast food. I’ve swum these murky waters, my friend. There’s the assorted creepiness, there’s staring, there’s the enthusiastic not-showing-up-at-all. I think you’re seeing demons where there’s just life.

A: After Willow gave us the “whoosh!” engagement party, I got slack on the planning ’cause I figured she’d help. But, well, now that’s all been blown to hell. W: Hey, standing right here. Standing right exactly here. A: Sorry. Didn’t mean to tempt you. < whispers to Dawn > Everyone’s so delicate.

B: I’m working. Go away. S: Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession, and I’m a consumer. Service me.

S: Damned fluorescent lights. Make me look dead. Some demons love ’em. Way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kind of demon you are, luv?

S: That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl. Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is.

B: But I don’t know how to grill. M: Just think – this is the last day you’ll ever be able to say that.

DM guy: You put the beef on the grill, hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun. There’s not a button for that. B: Repeat until insane.

DM guy: Eliminates variation. Every burger in every Doublemeat Palace is the same. People don’t like variation. B: Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.

B: So, I guess we’re gonna get kind of greasy, huh? DM guy: Skin, hair, eyelashes, nostrils, inside your ears. You want to look inside my ears? B: No. No, that’s okay.

H: I have been called and vengeance shall I wreak. Cower, masculine one! Tremble as you face my wrath. A: Xander, I’m starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing… X: Honey… H: Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?

A: Halfrek, I didn’t summon you to kill Xander, I called to invite you to our wedding. H: You– Oh, my! What an embarrassing mistake!

H: You know how it is, half the time I have no idea if I’m maiming the right guy. So, um, you’re marrying that man with the large upper arms?

Am: < looking at rat cage > I don’t know if you wanted to keep it, or… W: You want it? Really? Am: Well, yeah, you know. I mean, it’s not much, but it’s home. Or it was.

M: Well, maybe Gary did come in this morning, or, I don’t know, late last night, and maybe there was an accident and got himself to the hospital. B: Right. Maybe he’s in the hospital. Or maybe he’s in the grinder, huh? Huh? Meat process? Special ingredient?! Maybe Gary’s on the grill, or maybe he’s under the pickle chips!

B: Everybody, you have to stop! Stop eating! It’s not beef. It’s people! The doublemeat medley is people! The meat layer, it’s definitely people. It’s people! It’s people! Probably not the chickeny part, but who knows? Who knows!? Lady: What about the cherry pie?

H: Tell me more about Xander. A: You keep asking about him. Do you think I’m making a mistake? H: Do you? A: Well, no. Xander, he… he’s very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile, and the nicest body, and he loves me. Sometimes it isn’t easy, but he does. H: Who told you that it isn’t easy to love you? A: Well, you know, I’ll do something, or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, “It’s incorrect for you to appreciate money so much” or, “Observe. Here’s how a real human would behave.”

X: Say, Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? ’Cause if that’s it - whoa!

B: I try to do the simplest thing in the world, get an ordinary job, in a well-lit place, and look, I’m right back where I started - blood and death and funky smells.

B: Xander, you ate the burger? X: Well, first you say it’s cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh? B: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I’m gonna have to get another one. X: That’s your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?

W: Did Xander say something about food? D: You wouldn’t want any. Apparently, the doublemeat medley is people. X: < belches > W: Whoa. Bad.

B: Manny? < holds up foot in saddle-shoe > Guess you really were a lifer.

D: My friend Janice, her sister’s a lawyer. X: You think I should sue over the burger? That’s interesting. D: No, I just mean… Buffy’s never going to be a lawyer, or a doctor - anything big. X: She’s the Slayer. She saves the whole world. That’s way bigger. D: But that means she’s gonna have, like, crap jobs her whole life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her, this is it? X: Okay, but maybe you’ll be a lawyer or a doctor, and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister. D: Oh, that’s terrifically better. Thanks.

W: It’s not magic, it’s chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is.

D: We’re doing chemistry. A: Oh. So sorry I hurried.

X: So, An, the way she looked, with the face - that wasn’t what you used to look like, was it? A: Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive? X: Okay, is there any answer to that question that won’t make you nuts?

A: Well, is it demon meat? I mean, maybe someone’s, you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we’ve all heard of that. And, by the way, I’m opposed to using demon meat no matter how much money it saves.

X: Again, I say “huh?”

B: Wig lady? Lady: Oh, dear! Wig lady, is that what they call me? I don’t care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.

Lady: Did I tell you you’re my favorite? Doublemeat workers. You’re so full of doublemeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth.

W: I did it. I killed it, Buffy, look. B & W in unison: Ewww.

Am: Can I come in? My new place isn’t set up and I wanted to borrow some stuff like detergent. W: You really can’t Am: I can’t borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me Stinky Amy, I’m just gonna say, “Hey, not my fault!”

Am: Come on, that was a sweet spell. It was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines.

W: Shut up. Am: Oh, yeah, sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forgot. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat. W: Amy, if you really are my friend, you better stay away from me. And if you really aren’t… you better stay away from me.

B: Wait. The secret ingredient in the beef is… beef?

B: I’d really like to not be fired anymore.

Credit: The Sunnydale Slayers