The Key vs. The Attention Whore: There can be only one!

Miami Beach – a lovely town for those who love, ya know, beaches and stuff; but on one particular night the beautiful scenery and the spectacular gay nightclubs were in fear that evil was looming just around the corner.

…The night Lindsay Lohan came to town.

Why was she there? We have no idea. No one knows. Perhaps for the fine dining. Perhaps for the awesome plastic surgeons. Perhaps for the bathrooms in said fine dining establishments for which she could binge and purge. Perhaps I've said perhaps too often. Perhaps.

For Michelle Trachtenberg, however, the night would be hell on earth. She wasn't safe from the wrath of the beast. Just like the Key had to hide from Glory, Michelle had to hide from the psycho self-involved Hollywood whore named "The Lohan".

People stood around the establishment in Miami, hearing shouts of "Get her the fuck outta here!" and "I'll kick her fucking ass!" They could not believe what they heard, for as we all know, obviously,Miami is the epicenter of conservative christian morals and ethics.

The beast shouted, and the Key was scared but not shaken enough to not get a couple cocktails in her before leaving. For you see, nothing comes between a Hollywood Actress and her comp'd booze….not scary monsters, not evil vampires, not even the worst of them all — coked out skanks.

Michelle survived the night. It was a miraculous feat indeed. How did she do it? Who knows. What we do know is we want to know how she did it, so that future generations can live in safety.

God bless you, Michelle. You are our hero.

This post was inspired by this article.