Time-Out: Four Eyes on the Silver Screen

According to Cyndi Lauper, “girls just wanna have fun.” But considering that that particular song’s lyrics were actually written by a man who was trying to say that girls just wanted to have sex with him… one must be curious as to how this became an anthem for feminism.

Regardless… this entry has nothing to do with any of what I just wrote. So consider it a prologue necessary to prove a point. That point? While we may not always understand Hollywood, we very often times need to call a time-out upon it.

Many of my closer friends know that I, myself, like to wear glasses on occasion. I find that they highlight my cheekbones and give my face a more balanced, youthful look. Now I understand that many people wear glasses because it helps them see better. And that's fine too. But reasons for purchasing frames are hardly the issue in this evening’s slobber knocker against Hollywood. No. The issue tonight examines why the media continues to take shots at our lens-wearing patriots, when all they really want to do is… to try and make sense of our introduction… have a little fun.

Why is it that Hollywood continues to portray wearing glasses as being something undesirable? Case in point: the movie “She's All That.” That's right, teeny boppers. We may listen to the same music, but that doesn't mean I condone your use of the pre-Josie Rachael Leigh Cook. What we had here was a clear sign of bias against anyone who has dared to walk into an optometrist’s office. And that gets a frown pointed your way, boppers. I lower my lip muscles and part ways with anyone who would dare promote contact lenses as a healthy alternative to wearing dorky eyeglasses.

By taking off the freak's frames in this motion picture, we made the protagonist out to be a Barbie doll. Which, incidentally, I would've been all for. I personally have no problem when Hollywood oversimplifies the pangs of youth, as it does accurately reflect how easy it is for slackers to turn into beauty queens. I’ve seen it happen myself on rare occasion so no need to sell me on that.

But there was a problem this time. A problem which… some might say… escalated to epidemic proportions. That problem? That flaw in the scenario? The protagonist this time was none other than Rachael Leigh Cook.

You see, this isn't the same thing as that classic American film, Jawbreaker, starring Rose McGowan and Darla. No. We're not talking about taking an ugly girl and slapping a little make-up on her only to come out with the exact same ugly duck at the end. We're talking about Rachael Leigh Cook… a woman who is not only hot… but is damn near scorching hot. So scorching is she, in fact, that she could arguably make Jesus take a run for her money.

This scenario is nothing new, of course, and has even been parodied in such films as “Not Another Teen Movie.” But the problem here isn’t that the plot is hokey… it’s that people… young people, at that… are still buying it. And as a result, the lifestyle of wearing glasses has decreased among high-schoolers and today is at an all-time record low. But don’t feel as though this is a win for the contact-wearing community. No, you pompous and vain traitors to all who wear rims. Instead of wearing contacts, our youth today believes that it is okay to not wear any form of visual aid in their day-to-day operations. Given that this portion of the community also represents one of the fastest-growing groups of new automobile drivers… are you sure you want Hollywood sending this message out to our new neighbors of the highway?

More importantly than public safety, however, is the point that Cook… a young woman struggling to make ends meet in Hollywood… was permanently scarred by the image of wearing glasses in a hit teeny bopper motion picture. An act which many believe never should have seen fruition.

You see, no one should ever be forced to wear glasses… as they simply make us look ugly. A woman has a right to choose. I’ve always been a stark supporter of that.

I’m sorry, Freddy Prinze Junior. You may be the son of Chico. But that doesn't make you the Man. And movie makers of the world… the next time you abuse Rachael Leigh Cook for a quick buck to appease your young teen market… just remember one thing. I’ve got my eye on you. And that’s an eye that could very well be protected by a contact lens… or even a new pair of horrendously overpriced eyeglasses.

And now it's time to break.