Holes in my shirt are better than in my underwear — “Shells” : The Rant

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Warning: Spoilerish to the amount of 10.

DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition contains language that may not be suitable for everyone.
Welcome crackwhores and butt lovers! It’s time yet again for another edition of THE RANT! This week my young padawon and I speak of “Shells”…

Eric: *pulls out braid* I ain’t no jive ass padawon.

Matt: Well, its really just to say you’re younger than me. Don’t get all defensive.

Eric: Like I had to when you stole my hot pocket. Don’t make me summon Acathla again.

Matt: I’m about 3 parceps away from heading out of here.

Eric: Fine Luke, why don’t you go check on the “Water Evaporators”…and hang out with “Old Ben”?

Matt: Gee, can I?

Eric: *coughs*Queer*Coughs*

Matt: Alec Guiness is dead. I really can’t hang out with him…unless I dig him up and play with his bones.

Eric: *coughs*Necro*coughs*

Matt: *cough*thecoughjokeisold*cough*

Eric: *cough*Like your taste in women*cough*

Matt: So speaking of the dead….how about that Fredd’ers? And why must they continue to show her how she was? It just brings me back to the cry-a-thon!

Eric: I know. Every episode of Angel now is an excersize in running my heart through the ringer.

Eric: She will comeback.

Matt: What do you mean, she’ll come back?

Eric: Fred will come back. I dont fucking know how, but she has to.

Matt: They said her soul is evaporated!

Eric: They will resurrect Jonathon.

Matt: There’s no Fred soul around. What’s Jonathan got to do with anything?

Eric: HE will alter reality to bend time back before Fred was infected.

Matt: Your Jonathan Levinson fetish needs some serious therapy.

Eric: I know, why do you think I pay Elaine 100 an hour…

Matt: She isn’t doing a very good job up to this point.

Eric: Well, I can only afford one hour a year.

Matt: Obviously.

Eric: Putting my problems aside, they can get her back somehow.

Matt: HOW?

Eric: Willow can use dark magicks to rebuild her soul.

Matt: Willow won’t even show up!

Eric: The Master of Chaos can bend time.

Matt: Giles is being a bastard about it.

Eric: Spike can call Andrew, and Andrew can call Willow.

Matt: I love how they’ve used this “you work for wolfram and hart so you’re the bad guys” excuse. Geez, beat a dead dog already.

Eric: Why didn’t Angel tell him it was about Fred?

Matt: …Because he probably wouldn’t care. “Who the fuck is Fred, pip pip?”

Eric: Giles has tunred the new council into the old council, as far as I can tell. All I know is that they will get Fred back.

Matt: I don’t think it’s going to happen. Joss just keeps killing off everyone. Kendra, Joyce, Jenny, Anya, Jonathan, Buffy (twice, and back again), Cordy, and now Fred.

Eric: Fred is more important than all of them.

…What keeps sticking out in my head is Feigenbaum. She called him the “Master of Chaos”.

Matt: Ok….so the Bunny doll is going to save her?

Eric: When a math person mentions the word Chaos, it is important to take note of it.

Matt: Why she called him the Master of Chaos is because of the Chaos Theory.

Eric: For all we know, he could contain a formula for time travel.

Matt: It has nothing to do with any special bunny powers. If it does, strike me down Oh Great Whedon. SMITE ME, OH MIGHTY SMITER!

Eric: You’re on thin ice. He can’t kill Fred based on simple logic.

Matt: Ok….so I must have absolutely no logic? I’m telling Spock. It won’t be pleased.Vulkon death pinch your ass.

Eric: Ok look at it this way…
1. They didn’t think the show would be cancelled.
2. Fred is the only main female cast member.
3. They said they didn’t change the season much because of the cancellation.

Matt: As pertains to #2, Amy is still acting on the show…just not as Fred.

Eric: You can’t have title characters as bad guys.

Matt: Why couldn’t you? If you know Joss, you know he doesn’t play by the TV rules.

Eric: Also…look at it this way…They said that Fred’s soul was destroyed pretty quickly in the plot…

Matt: Yes…? And…?

Eric: If Fred wasn’t coming back, then it would be much later that we would find that out. Joss doesn’t reveal his cards so quickly.

Matt: How do you know? Are you Joss’ pen?

Eric: Just looking back at past stuff…

Matt: I think this speculation and theory is going to drive you mad.

Eric: It’s just what I think is happening. It makes no sense to just reveal your whole hand before the bets are placed.

Matt: Quit watching World Series of Poker.

Eric: There is something more, and I don’t think that it will be Illyria taking over the science department.

Matt: No, but who WILL take over? No Fred…no Knox.

….and how COOL was it when Wes popped a cap in his ass?

Eric: I was very happy about that I clapped. If we didn’t know what we know about Fred’s soul being gone, then I would be much more afraid that she wouldn’t come back.

…and Harmony will take over. They will begin Unicorn Research immediately.

Matt: That would be a scary thing. Pretty much the equivalent of seeing you prancing around in a G string.

Eric: …Or you last week.

Matt: You know what pisses me off?

Eric: What?

Matt: The fact that this show is getting better and better, and now it’s being cancelled.

Eric: Yeah, well, life’s a bitch like that. I wish someone would pick it up.

Matt: Well, it looks like UPN is out of the question.

Eric: …or put the thing on pay-per-view or something.

Matt: There’s where Joss went wrong. He should’ve put it on HBO.

Eric: Pitch now!

Matt: They can turn a pile of shit into an Emmy winner. Look at Six Feet Under. That crap is just *yawn*, and yet everyone LOVES it because it’s on HBO.

Eric: …Should be “Six Feet Under Shit”.

Matt: It doesn’t matter what they show on that Channel. If it’s on HBO, it’s critically golden.

Eric: Let’s take over the WB.

Matt: I say we beat up Jordan Levin and steal his wallet.

Eric: We need to start a movement of Angel fans buying WB stock, like a fan hostile take over. It could happen…cancel Charmed and give it’s budget to Angel…just show angel twice a week.

Matt: Sounds good to me. I can get in for… *counting money* $2.65. How’s that?

Eric: Every little bit counts. Email me people if you want to buy out the WB!

Matt: Yes, email him and leave me alone. It’ll be a nice change of pace.

Matt: So Gunn is all “I’m sorry I let Fred die because I’m a selfish bastard”…well boo-fucking-hoo. I wish Wes WOULD have hit an organ.

Eric: Me too. After all, it is the end of the show.

Matt: Joss tries to force us to like the villians….i.e – Gunn and Illyria. I say fuck that. I don’t have to like ’em, and I won’t. Gunn is a tool who was too damn selfish, and Illyria is housed in Fred’s friggin’ body and killed her.

Eric: Exactly. Kill him.

Matt: I have no sympathy for that shit.

Eric: Me either. If Wes wasn’t hurting too bad, Gunn would be dead.

Matt: Joss is trying to grey the line by making us think that Wes is as grey as Gunn and the demon…but he’s not. He’s doing what’s right. He doesn’t believe in the system. He believes the bad guys will win if he doesn’t do something about it. And so, he shoots people and stabs them when they deserve it.

Eric: Right…like Angel said, WES ALWAYS HAS TO MAKE THE HARD DECISIONS.

Matt: Exactly. So fuck the writers for trying to make me think Wes is doing something wrong here after all these years of them saying otherwise.

…What about Spike and Angel? Those two are like peas in the pod all of a sudden. It’s great.

Eric: Yeah, I like that. I would love more next season.

Matt: It’s so much more fun watching them get along and being snarky with one another, then watching them fight all the damn time over a chick who basically has dissed both of them. Get over it and move on. They are a lot alike, regardless of what the Spike or Angel fans say.

Eric: Yes they are…like best friends.

Matt: Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I would say Spike’s “I don’t think I’ll ever like you” riff was just to say it….to keep up that dillusion. Because I think Spike DOES like Angel, and the same can be said for Angel.

Eric: It’s obvious they like each other.

Matt: Yeah…so let’s quit wasting our breath in these boards and chat rooms talking about who would win, and who’s right for Buffy, and all that other crap…because what’s the point?

Eric: There is none. Neither of them would work for Buffy.

Matt: Exactly, which is why I don’t care to see SMG on Angel.

Eric: Did you notice the title of the episode, oh wise Poobah?

Matt: Yes, yes I did.

Eric: I think it refers to Wes much more than Fred.

Matt: …With the Gun shells. I think it refers to both. Gun Shells and Fred as a shell.

Eric: Wes is also a Shell.

Matt: Right…because Fred is gone. You can interpret the title in many ways.

…Someone wake up Freud from the dead. Say, do you think Willow could resurrect him too?

Anyway…Let’s hit the all in all’s….

Eric: All in all, the episode was very good, but very hard to rate because of how much pain you feel watching it. I would have to say a 9.8.

Matt: All in all, I thought it was almost equal to the last episode, and gave us explanations and lead us toward the last 6 episodes of the series in a good way. I’m giving it a 9.6.

That’s all for this week….the rant will be back with a rant special while Angel is on it’s 5 week hiatus….so look for that sometime this month! Later!