Man vs Turtle: The Boycott Begins

Well, well, well… we meet again, hellhounds. That’s right… I’ve returned. It took damn near four years, but they’ve finally signed the big kahuna himself for another go. Your favorite writer to ever grace this site is sitting down to jot over a few words of thought.

But enough about me… let’s get to the grit.

If there’s one thing that I hate about the January month, it’s our uncanny ability as a civilization to forget about the previous year’s mistakes. One such mistake will not go unpunished, however. It concerns our former heroes in a half-shell… or, as I call them… the world’s most mutated and dangerous sexual predators.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How could this happen? Personally, this one was among the top list of most disappointing news titles to hit our stations last year. Sure, I once catered to the Turtle Mania craze that swept our nation of upstanding, decent citizens in the days of my youth. I collected the Turtle action figures in their multi-genre costume arrangements that made Barbie run for her money. These mutated freaks were once the sacred guardians of truth, justice, and the turtle loving kind. Along with three hit motion pictures (or two, depending on how you view the third), these cartoon superheroes showed that you could be a green-skinned bald guy and still get the attention of female reporters who dressed like sanitation workers.

So what went wrong? I'll tell you what. This past year our foursome of action critters made the announcement that they would be actively endorsing time travel. Apparently, the four brothers in shells decided it would be fun to actively take a stand on this controversy by thrusting themselves ninety-nine years into the future. Now I'm no rocket scientist, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that by actively engaging in any type of romantic relationship in the year 2105 would immediately make you a pedofile.

No longer the heroes who sought the love of a clumsy reporter, our band of sexual predators went from kindly stalking a middle-aged woman with bad fashion sense to stalking and viciously hunting your cartoon daughters. Sure, you may not see this as particularly threatening to yourselves. After all, most people aren’t cartoons and tend to believe cartoons are fictional, as a whole. But imagine the life-long affect this decision will have upon your own children, who consciously support this program. The ones who sit wide-eyed and embrace this idea as nothing out of the ordinary. That's right, online community. Now your children can watch mutated turtles playing for a little loving on your kid's great grandchildren. And that's beyond simply wrong. That's turtle power wrong.

So since our former heroes of the world can't keep their priorities straight, this is an official notice to those former multi-colored legends. Turtles? You're boycotted. Until you clean up your acts, you're going to be eating those pizzas solo for a while.

And Michaelangelo, if I so much as see you eyeing anyone under age, I'll file charges on your reptilian ass faster than you can complain about anchovies. That's right, stubby. You’ll be putting away those nunchucks for good.

And Donatello? Stay away from the little boys.