Winona Ryder: Jesus Christ… or just an actress?

Like most God-fearing humans on the planet Earth, I subscribe to the plausible theory that one day, long from now, Jesus of Nazareth will return to Earth to offer me a chance to leave those I love behind for being dumb enough not to have met him. And while they are being damned to a horrible existence of pain and agony, I will rapture into the clouds high above along with Kirk Cameron and the rest of the cast of the Left Behind movies.

The issue we are about to explore today is one of hope, of triumph, and above all else of salvation. It is a question which beckons us to ask the question we are posed with this late evening. The question… is that day of final judgment today? And if it is… is Winona Ryder Jesus Christ?

Sure, Winona might not look like Jesus. Not the Jesus we all know and love from such paintings as “The Last Supper” or… well… any other painting of Jesus will actually do in this reference. But could she be the messiah? And if she is, wouldn’t you want to know?

Well, if you often find yourself lying awake at night asking this very question… you may find my evidence hard to dispute.

First, however, let’s be clear. We can’t just draw names out of a hat and ask if the people written on them are Jesus. Not only would that be a waste of our time, it would down right be silly. Not just anyone can be Jesus. Winona Ryder is a candidate who has managed to stand the test of time in this area. It's important therefore that you realise that this isn’t just a random pairing or drawing of names. In fact, due to new evidence on this case she gets an article with this question posed at her and only her… considering the seriousness of the issue at hand.

Because let’s face it. If we were simply here to blindly throw around names for candidates who might be Jesus, we could literally pick anyone. We might find ourselves asking if Jesus was the man next to us, watching us type. After all, do we know that man? Is that man a stranger to us? And if he is, could he be stalking us? And if that’s the case, shouldn’t we be more concerned about him than about Winona Ryder being Jesus?

And since I’m now nervous about the fact that this man is looking at me, I want to finish this article as quickly as possible. So bare with me as I type very fast from hence forth.

Point being… my case isn’t baseless. It actually comes from a very reliable form of reasonable deduction skills and practical knowledge that I learned in journalism courses throughout my years of learning how to become a seasoned columnist.

You see, I came to this theory last night during a dream I had in which Winona Ryder spoke to me in the form of a cartoon penguin wearing a red sweater and ice skating over a frozen pond somewhere west of Kentucky. While we sang a ballad from the musical RENT together, she informed me through awkward sexual advances and borderline scenes of beastiality that the end of times were approaching us and that I, as a writer, should do my part to ensure that all mankind was saved by addressing that issue in this very article series. At first, I thought that I might just be crazy. But now… as I sit and ponder this dream and analyze it based on the merits of its case, I realize that it isn’t so much crazy… and that it practically could be gospel.

Much as God spoke to his Biblical heroes through dreams and awkward visions, I too might belong to a long line of prophetic Bible-thumpers whose real ambitions remain a mystery to those who question their motives. Of course, the dream might also have been inspired by the dozen or so chimichangas I ate last night while crying to sleep watching my favorite tear-jerker chick flick, “Ice Princess.” And because of that… God doesn’t deserve all the credit for giving me this prophetic vision… though he clearly will get most of the credit since he is the creator of the universe. Other contributors to this prophecy, however, will include an off-brand Mexican food company based in Gainesville, Florida and another well-known kleptomaniac… little Dawnie Summers.

But when you choose to ignore those things and only look at the facts that support my case, it becomes increasingly clear that Winona Ryder might be the Son of God. Ryder does, after all, fit the description of witness record on Jesus when it comes to the basics. Consider, for instance, that she has dark hair… or, at least, she has dark hair when she dyes it that way since she’s naturally a blonde. But she’s certainly short in height, like Jesus was. And perhaps most troubling of all is the fact that she could very well like many of the same movies as JC.

But most important to this case aren’t the little similarities. That trophy belongs to the true makers of this theory. The words Jesus, himself, spoke to us all those years ago. For it is only within the holy scripture that we find some clue as to the meaning behind this surprising turn of events. Jesus, according to the Holy Word, will return to us as a thief in the night.

Winona Ryder? A thief?

I think we begin to see just how plausible our theory is holding up against the test of time.

But to be fair to both sides, I decided I should approach someone “in the know.” An insider, if you will. So I went to a source who was bound to be indifferent yet knowledgeable on the subject at hand: The reverend Douglas York from Norfolk, Virginia. I spoke to the reverend via cell phone earlier this afternoon.

According to Reverend York, not only was my theory “blasphemous” and “without merit,” but it also “lacked credibility,” “sanity,” and required a “complete lack of reason” to consider it “plausible.” Since the reverend declined to be interviewed farther and requested I not mention his name by name within my article nor directly quote him… I will hereby choose not to do that anymore.

You see, regardless of whether Reverend York, who I won’t mention by name again, or myself are correct in our assertions, scientific research tends to show that believing in something will allow you to live longer. And if you drink a glass of red wine along with your beliefs every day at noon… you’re well on your way to a long life of prosperity.

So as you can see… even if Winona Ryder isn't the son of God, she directly has contributed toward trying to save my life. For that… I am offering her five hundred dollars which I will leave to her estate upon my death. Sure, my kid could use a college fund. But in the end… I owe more to Ryder than my own flesh and blood.

So tonight… before you go to bed or say your prayers… keep in mind that Winona Ryder could very well be that deity which you worship. Is it possible? I would argue yes. Some might warrant the actions of a cartoon penguin lusting after the first ice skater to pass her way to be a fruitless, baseless, and a ridiculous way of seeing reality. But to be fair to the Lord, only Noni knows for certain.