Three Undead Men and a Little Lady — “The Girl In Question” : The Rant
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Warning: Spoilerish to the amount of 10.
DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition contains strong language that may not be suitable for younger viewers.
Welcome all you lovely nerds and nerdettes to another edition of EL RANTO! I am the dude that spreads your peanut butter….and with me is the dude that spreads your jelly! Together we make a MAD SANDWICH, YO! Anywho, this week we’re talking about “The Girl in Question”.
*Eric’s Phone rings – He answers it*
Eric: Yes, I see…uh huh…I’ll take care of it.
What’s going on?
*Eric hangs up his phone and walks towards the door…*
Eric: Can you do the rant?
Eric: I have something to take care of.
Matt: Where are you going?
Eric: To Italy.
Eric: A shameless plot device, wanna come?
Matt: Does an ass have a poopshot? Yes, of course I’ll come!
Eric: To the Angel Mobile, AWAY!
*durn, nur, nur, nur, nur, nur, nuh, nuh….*
*CUT TO: Matt and Eric on an Airplane.*
Eric: So, here we are partners in a totally hetero way again…
Eric: Um, I would offer you a drink, but Jon and that Tiffany girl borrowed the plane and they drank everything.
Matt: The Ascension is ascending into losing it’s spot on the website, if you know what I mean.
Rule #1) Never take my booze.
Rule #2) Nylon chaffes, don’t expect me to wear it.
Eric: Rule #3) No nookie without the Poobah. I know your damn rules.
Now listen…Italy is going to be dangerous. We need to be together on this one.
Matt: Ok, ok…I’m all ready. What’s the plan?
Eric: We go to the Italian HMC Branch and oogle the Jugs of the lady in charge there, while she spits about things she doesn’t like. Sound good?
Matt: Such as? Here’s a wild guess….Gypsies?
Eric: Oh, and I guess we can rant at some point.
Matt: RANT? You don’t know how to Rant!
Eric: Ranting is dangerous, and if we’re not together on it we could get hurt.
Matt: Listen, ranting loved me passionately! It never loved you! You just had sex with the ranting!
Eric: A lot of sex, I might add.
Eric: Plus, I don’t care who rants as long as it isn’t you…Or the Immortal.
Matt: The Immortal? Let’s not bring Otts into this.
Eric: Yeah, remember last time we brought Otts to Italy?
*Cut to Black & White of Matt, Otts and Eric in the 50’s*
Otts: *Whack, Whack*
*Eric and Matt hit the floor unconscious.*
Matt: Good times.
Matt: So I guess we should rant now…?
Eric: Yes, we shall rant, and rant we shall.
Matt: Shall we?
Eric: What did I just say??!!
Matt: Sorry…I got excited.
Matt: Wasn’t it nice to once again see the Sarah-Michelle-Gellar-hair-look-a-like-back-of-head-of- double-girl?
Eric: I know.
Matt: She’s a great actress.
Eric: They could have at least used bronze stock footage.
Matt: That would have been even lamer.
Eric: I think it’s Marti.
Matt: No, Marti only dances naked. Everyone knows that.
Eric: Why can’t the Italian bar look like the bronze? The Italian W&H looks like the California W&H.
Matt: Yeah, well, the senior partners interior decorators don’t have much imagination, cut ’em some slack.
Andrew in Rome…crashing with Dawn and Buffy…he’s really become a big time scooby…in like 16 months.
Matt: One minute he wants to be Warren Mears’ love slave and kill some people…and the next he’s videotaping window panes and fighting evil.
Eric: …and don’t forget the StrongBad shirt.
Matt: Yeah…the boy was just….sane…and helpful last night, and the last trip too. What the shit is going on here? Andrew is Andrew, but he’s kind of not…ya know?
Eric: Andrew Rocks.
Matt: Yeah, like majorly now, and his advice was good.
Eric: Almost as much as Mr. Levinson.
Matt: Oh, more.
Eric: Don’t go there, Matt.
Matt: Ok, I won’t say Jonathan was a douche. Let’s skip it, and move onto another subject… THE IMMORTAL!!!!
Eric: I think Joss should have played him.
Matt: He’s cooler than Spike and Angel combined, and we don’t even know what he looks like! It MUST be Joss! Metaphorically or physically, it should be Joss.
Eric: It’s the only person we could live with being that cool.
Matt: Right. Well, and me, but that goes without saying. And don’t say you don’t think I’m cool, I know about the fan club.
Eric: What fan club? Oh, that’s your sister and your mom…and you made them do it.
Matt: What’s your point?
Anyway, The Immortal sure has bagged a lot of the Vamp boys’ ladies.
Eric: As in…all of them but Harmony.
Matt: Hey, that may have happened too. We don’t know.
Eric: We have to assume no for sanity’s sake.
Matt: The way they all talk about the Immortal, he could probably just think it, and it happens.
Eric: Are you in love with the Immortal?
Matt: No, no….well, ok….yes. But that’s beside the point…
Now to completely change the subject before it gets even more akward for me….the moment the Burkles came into W&H, I got sad.
Eric: Yeah, talk about ‘rip our hearts out’. That had to kill Wes.
Matt: Man, I was like…”Ah God, why do we need this? Why couldn’t they have just said that they informed them of it, and that was that?”
Eric: Especially Fred’s mom’s comments about him.
Matt: Yeah…they’re so awesome too.
Eric: I think it’s a sign.
Matt: Not another “Fred will come back” sign….Ugh…
Eric: They aren’t closing anything up with Fred. Dude, look at the writing on the wall. Illyria is on her way out.
Matt: I don’t think so. It was Illyria CLEARLY controlling the Fred switch.
Eric: Yes, i agree there, but writing-wise they aren’t closing anything about Fred.
Matt: We have 2 episodes left.
Eric: If Fred wasn’t coming back, why not tell her parents?
Matt: I don’t know…so we wouldn’t KILL Joss for doing it publicly? He’s tortured us enough, damnit.
Eric: Remember they weren’t planning on this being the last season.
Matt: True…good point. I still thinking you’re fishing in a lake without a pole.
Eric: They may not have planned for Fred to be back this season, but you know she would have been back at least 5 episodes in next season.
…and you don’t need a pole to fish, my friend. All you need is hope.
Matt: …and a gun.
Eric: And that is what shipping is about…hope.
Matt: …and guns.
Eric: *imitates Jerry Springer* My final thought for today is that Fred is coming back. If you don’t agree then you can speak to Mr. Beretta. He has 16 friends, and they can all run faster than you, good night.
Matt: Ok…I’ll just believe you so we can end this part of the conversation. Fair enough?
Eric: Yes…for now.
Matt: It was good to see Julie and Juliet on the show again, huh? Nothing like a pair of hot vampire chicks in lingerie. *summons Wayne and Garth* SCHWINNNGGG!!!!
Eric: Ditto. *cue ghost theme*
Matt: They should resurrect Darla again and give her her own show. I’d definitely watch that.
Eric: I know you would, with Ky and a kleenex.
Matt: Cast should be Darla, The Immortal, Drusilla, the gay demon lackey dude, and Faith… just because I love those leather pants.
Eric: Aren’t you forgetting someone? Actually, 2 someones…
Matt: Oh, uh…hmmm…The Italian W&H bosses’ boobs?
Eric: No…Wes and FRED!
Matt: I don’t know, dude…the boobs are pretty entertaining.
Eric: Yes, but Wes and Fred…
Ok…boobs, Wes and Fred.
Matt: Now we’re talking.
So what have we learned today? Buffy isn’t going to end up with Spike or Angel, my airline drinks were stolen by a couple of writers who just lost their jobs, and “That’s our Darla!” should be a show.
Matt: All in alls?
Eric: All in all, I have to say that this was one of the best episodes this season – 9.6. It was fun and sad, full range of emotions, lots of closure, and none at all in some cases.
Matt: All in all, it was pretty damn good. I wouldn’t say the best, but the comedy was great. Show ’em my motto! BAM! -> 9.4
That’s it for this edition of the rant. We need to get back to the U.S or I’m gonna need a vomit bag. Eric, you normally vomit during our rants, you got one handy?
Eric. No, not unless you are Tim Curry cross-dressing, or wearing that red and white jacket Angel had on.
Matt: That can be arranged…either, really.
Eric: See you later. *transports back home….*
*….Stranding Matt in Itally with a green bag.*
Matt: I’ve been left on the stradda by myself.
*opens the bag….it explodes, he shoots up 50 feet in the air and falls back down onto the ground*
Matt: *cough* *hack* Ah well. Could be worse. I could be in France.
Matt’s Rating: 9.4
Eric’s Rating: 9.6