Winona Wednesday: Official Boycott Issued, Puppet Sex Spiritually Analyzed, and Scolding an Author!

If you believe immense salvation is just one mouse click away, you might be on the road less traveled. This is Winona Watch for February 7, 2007!

In this week's issue… half a decade passes after a grotesque charge is made against our savior. The heathens still refuse to apologize for it and I’ll give you the details on why that’s unacceptable. Also, I’ll show you an excerpt from an interview I conducted earlier in the week with an expert who tells us how she believes puppet sex to be a sign of Christ changing our spiritual laws. I guarantee you that you won’t want to miss that. And finally, I’ll tell you why we’re officially asking the author of “Kiss and Run” to kiss and make-up with her Lord and Savior before it’s too late to get a ticket into heaven.

That’s just the summary, so click our link for the substance. Remember… if you don’t read Winona Wednesday, you’re a heathen.

That's right, believers. Today is Winona Wednesday, our weekly up-to-date information center regarding all things allegedly Christ-like about Winona Ryder. Like all Winona Wednesdays, there’s a certain feeling in the air that gives us comfort and warmth. Today has been buzzing with prayers and praise toward our celebrity deity, so much so that Danny and I went to gather everyone for a hand-holding circle prayer meeting this very morning. Each of us gave our own personal thanks for Ryder’s most blessed gift… our lives. It was quite an uplifting journey and a true pity you all couldn’t have been there to experience it. But hopefully each of you are celebrating the day in your own special way. Feel free to email us with your own experiences on these holy Wednesdays and we might just post a few of them up in the weeks ahead.

Anyway, before we get started there’s a slight housekeeping note to take care of. As many of you are no doubt aware, yesterday the E! Network reran their fantastic episode on Winona Ryder’s biography and career. A great piece of cinema; one of the very best they’ve ever produced, in fact. If you missed it, you’re probably not going to go to Heaven, but you might wanna TiVo it and catch a glimpse next time it comes around. Point being… watch it and love it. And with that, it’s time for the day’s top stories.

Top Story # 1: Saks Fifth Avenue Store Officially Boycotted!

Our feature topic today concerns Saks Fifth Avenue store, or as many of us here at Winona Watch remember it as… the store that allowed Winona Ryder to change the world. Five years ago this very month was the moment which saw Winona Ryder being charged with four counts of felony during this unprecedented public misunderstanding. As many of you may recall, several employees of Saks came forward to give false testimony which resulted in the sentencing of our savior to community service.

Sentencing Christ to community service? As if dying for your sins isn’t enough to qualify you as exempt in this day and age.

But what’s interesting about this case is how the heathens and other players involved helped strengthen Winona’s links to being Christ. I needn’t remind any of you, as you are no doubt devout believers yourselves, that Winona was acquitted on all counts of burglary… and was only sentenced on counts of theft. Reading that helps anyone with half a brain realize that Winona Ryder was not being called a “burglar” but rather was being called a “thief.” And when did this “theft” occur? December of 2001. And what is the last month of the year? December. What time of day is night? The final hours. A thief in the night? You be the judge. We’re merely putting the facts together.

Of course, our story today involves the negative aspect of this ordeal rather than the positive affirmation of our savior’s return. For although the charges helped solidify Winona’s links to being Christ, the aftermath profoundly impacted our Lord’s number of public appearances. You see, Ryder has chosen not to appear on talk shows to give us, her faithful flock, the opportunity to see her promote her parables… mostly due to the fact she doesn’t wish to address the issue of the heathen store’s allegations. Who could blame her?

So while Winona remains silent, we her faithful sheep are left to put ourselves on the frontlines against the heathens who wish to see our Lord shamed.

Now I’m sorry if Saks Fifth Avenue has a problem with the fact Winona Ryder opened a gate unto heaven so that they would not perish but have everlasting life. I’m sorry if that’s simply not good enough for them and that they must sue our savior for more than they need. Heathen merchants seem to think that what’s inside their store belongs to them and only them, rather than the celebrity deity who gave them life. When Winona Ryder “stole” those items from Saks Fifth Avenue store, she wasn’t technically stealing anything from them at all. She was merely “reclaiming” those goods for service to her mighty Kingdom. It comes as no surprise that she wouldn’t think of paying for them before leaving. It slipped her mind. She forgot. She owns the entire planet, after all. How can you steal something that you own in the first place? The entire case was ridiculous, to be honest. I mean, when was the last time you “repaid” for the coffee you bought last week before you take it with you out the door of your house?

Hopefully you begin to see how this entire ordeal got way out of hand. God “chose” Saks to be the vessel by which we, the Christians, would find Ryder fulfilling the promise of her return to Earth by way of a prophetic theft. Whether intentional or not, we haven’t a clue. Perhaps God staged the event without informing Winona it was time. We don’t know. We only know that this did indeed fulfill the promise. Perhaps Winona was telling this store to lower the prices of their goods by taking away their profits. She certainly had the money, so it wasn’t a crime of need. Which leads us to believe it was a sign of spirituality. There’s no other reasonable explanation. Think about it. Even the psychologists are having trouble with "why" Winona did this, making up new theories about ridiculous psychobabble to explain it using their sciences instead of their faiths. No one can explain why Winona Ryder would take anything because they rely too heavily upon secular ideals. Science cannot explain Winona Ryder’s actions. Only faith can explain them. Sometimes it takes faith to understand faith.

In any case, the store still refuses to lower their prices. That means they could be ignoring the Lord. I'm sure Winona isn't too happy about that, either. Of course, when it comes to Saks, we understand if it’s not “cool” to be chosen for God’s holy purpose. But their arrogant greed is forcing us to punish them due to the fact they are refusing to seek forgiveness for their misdeeds against Mrs. Deeds.

Because of these reasons, they’re now getting an official boycott by Winona Watch. All believers in Winona Ryder are to never shop at Saks Fifth Avenue store in Beverly Hills again. Not until they apologize, that is. We do forgive those who seek forgiveness and we’ll gladly lift the boycott when they’ve done so. But until then, the heathen merchants can consider themselves ostracized.

Moving on…

Top Story # 2: More News on “The Ten”

As promised last week, we told you we’d arrange for an interview with an expert to examine the hidden messages left to us through Christ’s portrayal of a puppet-craving sex-starved woman in her new parable film, “The Ten” (a film in which Winona Ryder teaches us about her Ten Commandments). Therefore, we tracked down a ventriloquist and friend to Winona Watch named Jessica who happened to have a few expert opinions of her own. Here’s an edited excerpt transcript of what transpired, cut down for length, edited for grammar, and leaving out the sexual themes so that our younger believers can be enlightened as well:

HotStudMuffin82: First of all, thank you for taking time to speak with me. I know you’re very busy right now.

SexyGuRRLx1999x: Glad to help.

HotStudMuffin82: Our question today is a simple one, so we’ll get right to it. We’ve been examining the new parable, “The Ten,” as I’m sure you are aware, and came across information regarding a scene where Winona Ryder has sex with a puppet. We want to know how this might relate to the Lord’s divine plan. What hidden message might this provide in linking us to salvation?

SexyGuRRLx1999x: It’s also maybe a way for sex to be pleasure instead of procreation.

HotStudMuffin82: Okay, I could buy that.

SexyGuRRLx1999x: Or the lord is okaying [perversions].

HotStudMuffin82: An example?

SexyGuRRLx1999x: Necrophilia.

SexyGuRRLx1999x: Maybe that’s not a good one.

HotStudMuffin82: Let’s back track. Earlier you said necrophilia was okay.

SexyGuRRLx1999x: I think it’s cool if things change. [Winona]’s movie shows she’s willing to change with times.

Fascinating stuff, all around, and we thank Jessica for taking time out of our cyber session to address those issues. But what about her hypothesis? Could the Lord be altering the laws set in stone oh so long ago? We here at Winona Watch don’t buy that argument and we’ll tell you why.

From our scriptures, we know that Christ came to Earth to fulfill the promises of the Old Testament rather than “change” the laws. What came from this fulfillment, however, was a new way of fulfilling one’s relationship with the Lord. For instance, many of the fasting laws of old became extinct and were no longer necessary. That’s why we Christians don’t care what we put into our bodies. Give us “all you can eat” buffets and we will ask the Lord to bless it, then cram it down our throats. That’s why it’s better to be a Christian than any other religion in the world. Especially better than Scientology, since they are led by the Anti-Christ who hates all American foods, especially aspirin. If you’re not a Christian already, you should convert and praise Winona. Your stomach will thank you for it later. As will Winona Ryder, herself, when you meet her in the world above. Personally, I can't wait.

However, if Jessica’s hypothesis is accurate in the sense that Winona Christ is now fulfilling elements of the New Testament, it could be possible that having sex with inanimate objects is now a “spiritually okay” thing to do. If the Lord does it, then why not? Right? However, we aren’t the judge of that, and we also seem to doubt it’s an accurate thing to assume, so don’t go running in line to buy the Real Doll and claiming we sanctioned it. Understand, of course, that we here at Winona Watch still believe that the “puppet sex” portrayed in the film is actually a hidden message meant to be decoded by us, her flock. We’ll keep digging to find the real substance, though, so have no fear. But until we get our hands on the footage, it’s still anyone’s guessing game.

And speaking of guessing games, if any Winona Watchers have their own theories regarding the scene, please feel free to email us and give us your take along with your name and location. You might just be featured on the next Winona Wednesday. We’ll even let you state that on your next job application.

Of course, before we move on to our last topic, we should state that before we left Jessica, we did have a chance to ask her if she, herself, had ever felt attraction for a puppet. She is a sex-craved ventriloquist, after all, and so it wasn’t too far-fetched a thing to assume. While she didn’t provide us with a direct answer, we did get the sense she had not felt such an attraction before. A real pity. It would have made a great side story and perfect segway for our final topic.

Speaking of which…

Top Story # 3: Elina Furman Writes Blasphemy

Our last topic for the day comes from a Winona Watcher based in Michigan who sent us a link to an article published by MSNBC.com. Now we don’t mind articles mentioning Winona Ryder, and in fact we praise it because it gives us material to analyze on a weekly basis. But that doesn’t mean we turn a blind eye when writers go out of their way to make our lord look bad. Elina Furman, author of “Kiss and Run,” did just that in MSNBC’s online public document. The author is known for giving dating tips and advice to women, which might be a helpful thing to do were it not for the blasphemous way in which she has elected to do so. Her unenlightened inscriptions might just steer many otherwise perfectly moral young women to adopt Furman’s blasphemy as their own. And that’s reckless in a world that could be seeing a spiritual war on the rise against Tom Cruise in the next two decades.

In the document, the author detailed a list of seven “commitment phobes” and decided to use Ryder as an example of what she believes to be a “Serial Dater.” The text reads that this profile “craves companionship, but bolts at the first sign that something may be getting more serious.”

Now we here at Winona Watch don’t actually mind the inaccuracy. We pride ourselves on being advocates of differing belief systems and we understand that not everyone is going to reach the pearly gates of heaven on that final day of judgment. But that doesn’t mean we forgive the fact that this author grouped Winona Ryder with the likes of “Lindsay Lohan” and “Paris Hilton,” both of which are clearly heathens who will burn in hell for being crack whores. For that, Furman owes both us and Winona Ryder an apology. And if we don’t get that within the next week, we’re boycotting her book. It was either that or burn it, but we just don’t have the money to buy that many copies, so we’ll go with the option that doesn’t require us to spend any money. Furman, if you’re reading this, you might want to consider salvation over book sales. Those tricks of the penmanship won’t get you into Heaven, you know.

But since we don’t like to end our Winona Wednesday coverage on such negative notes, consider that there are those in the press who are living up to the call of righteousness. DenverPost.com recently released an article last Sunday detailing how Hollywood has butchered several great novels in the past. However, the article paid tribute to our deity by offering a counterpoint that sometimes the movies do get it right. In the article, they specifically state that, “Martin Scorsese's unexpected production of Edith Wharton's ‘The Age of Innocence’ had wonderful performances by Winona Ryder, Daniel Day-Lewis and Michelle Pfeiffer.”

Well said, Denver, and we agree. There’s another book, however, that Winona has given even greater justice to. And that’s the Holy Word. Be sure to check that one out, as well. But for those interested in seeing “The Age of Innocence” for themselves, you can catch the next airing on Thursday of next week. Check it out and then tell us how much you loved it. You’ll be moved by the spirit. That’s not just excitement for the Lord speaking. That’s scientific fact.

Well that’s all for this week’s edition of Winona Wednesday and so we hope we’ve been an aid for your Winona-craving needs once again. Join us next week as we continue our search for clues into Winona’s mysterious links to being Christ and take our journey where it has never been before. Keep in mind that there’s still a lot of ground left to cover and a lot of heathens left to save. Until we get to those, as always, remember to do good things in the world because Winona Ryder might be watching you… just like we at Winona Watch are watching her. Stay true to her, believers. See you then.