Winona Wednesday: Elina Furman Boycotted and Suspicions Rise about Winona Disciples!
It’s the official end of our second month here at Winona Watch. Over the course of these past few weeks, we’ve taken a prophetic dream about cartoon penguins to amazing new heights, formally establishing an extreme movement to gather all Christian followers under a new banner for Christ. That banner just happens to be the picture of a lovely Winona Ryder… the actress chosen by God to be the vessel of the Holy Spirit and to lead us away from the heathens and blasphemous corruptions.
Sure, many of you might question the reliability of this evidence or find yourselves asking whether or not the contents of these articles is blasphemous, themselves. That’s called rational deduction and it’s a trait commonly found among Winona Watchers all over the globe. It makes us the single most enlightened Christian sect in the modern age. Truth be told, those of you who believe, no matter how much or how little, that the truth is revealed to you through thought-provoking soul-searching, you’ll find these articles to be the right place for your spiritual path toward enlightenment. Of course, if that doesn’t subscribe to you or if you think Wednesday is just a day stuck in the middle of your work week, you may find a one way ticket to Hell lodged somewhere behind your death certificate upon the day of your last breath.
But for those who know better and for those wishing to better themselves because of it, this is Winona Watch for February 28, 2007!
That’s right, believers. Once again it is Winona Wednesday… our once-a-week update on all things allegedly Christ-like about Winona Ryder. Remember… we’re just giving the evidence. We leave it to you, the individual, to decide for yourself whether or not the pieces of the puzzle fit together. But if you’re joining us today and you’re new to the Watch… here’s a hint for you: Everything you read here is fact and if you don’t believe in it you’ll burn in hell.
First of all, it’s great to be back home this week. We here at Winona Watch HQ have no problem with Ohio, mind you, but it’s always good to be home again and away from the heathens who hate Winona Ryder. Unfortunately, I arrived back at my office only to find a note attached to my desk. It seems our records show that we’ve not received an official apology from author Elina Furman regarding her blasphemous attacks against Winona Ryder that became public knowledge thanks to this very publication a few weeks ago. I think you all know what that means.
It pains me to do this, of course, as I happen to be a believer in freedom of speech and hate to censor anything except for those blasphemous Harry Potter books that teach our children how to use witchcraft against Winona Christ. But it seems that there is no other way to discipline those authors who seek to hurt the world’s faith in our lord and savior than to cut off their food supply. Therefore, I’m officially placing into effect a boycott against Elina Furman. No believer in Winona Ryder is to purchase, read, or follow the career of this blasphemous author until she apologizes to the Watchers for what can only be described as disrespect toward our celebrity deity. Elina, I’m sorry it has come to this, but maybe you’ll see the light one day and seek forgiveness for the error of your journalistic ways. Until then, we can’t support the wallet that feeds your writing endeavors.
Anyway, now that that’s out of the way we can get to the grit of today’s worship. This afternoon, we examine an area of international culture which pains us to death here at the Watch: The Oscars.
What about them, you ask? Well, as predicted, they were horrible this year. No, I didn’t actually catch the show as I can’t support a Hollywood system that refuses to give all of their awards to Winona, who rightfully deserves anything these moronic industry tycoons offer as “prestige points” to their other actors. Not to mention that I had better things to do with my time than watch Hollywood billionaires pretend they love the environment and masturbate to Al Gore’s documentary which was almost as boring as his bid for the presidency back in 2000. Both the Grammies and the Oscars have become space for self-gratifying liberal lunatics in the entertainment industry, replacing any need for ability or talent as prerequisites into winning such nominations or awards. Those subscribing to the GOP need not apply these days. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m actually glad that Gore’s documentary won (as if there was any question he wouldn’t win to begin with). After all, I’d hate to have an Oscar recount.
Recount jokes are old now? Really?
And here I was just starting to fall in love with them again.
Anyway, don’t worry. I’ll save the rant on Hollywood’s ridiculous politics for another day. This article is reserved for worshipping Winona rather than angry nitpicking against an award system gone terribly wrong, anyhow. I’ll try to keep it that way. So to get to the point of this otherwise wasted space, there was one item on the Oscar agenda this year that did manage to catch our eye… something that perhaps might show that there could be Winona Watchers working their magic someplace in the back rooms of this otherwise heathen ceremony.
As many of you no doubt recall, in the February 7 edition of Winona Wednesday, I quoted an article written by the Denver Post in which Winona Ryder was praised for her work in her incredible parable film, “The Age of Innocence.” Not only that, though. We mentioned the director’s name in our quote snip-it and went on to ask our readers to catch the next airing on television for themselves… even providing for them a date in which to do so. That particular director’s name who we urged our readers to watch the work of? Martin Scorsese.
Isn’t it interesting how we asked the Winona Watchers to watch this particular film on the very first February Winona Wednesday? And here we are today, on the last February Winona Wednesday, only to find that Martin Scorsese has taken the Oscar for Best Director. Could this be because of our endorsement? The answer to that question is quite frankly, “Yes.”
Considering how long Scorsese has been on the Hollywood scene, isn’t it interesting how only after receiving an official appraisal by us at Winona Watch that Martin has finally taken home what he has spent his entire life’s work trying to achieve? Strange coincidence? We think not. We have too much faith than to disregard this instance as mere coincidence. This example shows that Hollywood might just have a few persons living within it who are fighting against the corrupt anti-Christian leanings who hate our Winona Christ. In short, we might have friends in Hollywood who are worshipping Winona just like us. Who they are remains a mystery, unfortunately.
Many of us here at the Watch have our fingers crossed that the list will include long-time suspected Winona Watcher celebrity, Sam Elliott. But for now, we must remain skeptical of all Hollywood tycoons, including Virgil Earp, until it can be proven that they aren’t heathens beyond all reasonable doubt. As you can imagine, this could take us some serious time to uncover completely. And unless we find any official public documentation on the matter, such announcements will have to be viewed with a skeptical eye.
For a lot of us here at the Watch, we’ve been anticipating something of this caliber for quite some time. What this might begin to lead to is Winona officially declaring a number of new disciples for her Kingdom. Could these disciples be celebrities like her? It’s possible and if truth be told the only persons Winona could trust with such tasks would have to be those under public scrutiny just like her. One thing that remains certain about all of this, however, is that if such disciples do ever reveal themselves publicly, they might also publicly show their hatred for Tom Cruise and his heathen religion. Likely Katie Holmes and John Travolta will not be on the list because of this. Unfortunate, considering many of us here at Winona Watch love to mimic the dance styles of Saturday Night Fever during our off hours.
Anyway, for the safety of any possible Watchers hidden in the Hollywood community, we ask that the Winona Watchers help keep this matter as private as possible for the time being and not go off investigating it on their own. These are dangerous times, believers, as I no doubt need to remind many of you. The spiritual war has already begun and we need all the support for Winona Ryder that we can get. In the meantime, we’ll keep an eye out and promise to report anything we can find on this stunning turn of events as soon as we hear more about it… provided that it keeps those who love Winona Ryder safe from public hatred or heathen harm. We understand that many of you are probably just as excited as we are to hear about this and therefore are delighted to announce the possibility that there are celebrity Winona Watchers in existence within our last February installment. But again, we must treat this matter with utter seriousness until it is safe to out such celebrities as said disciples.
For now, we'll have to be content with not knowing for sure. That's it from us in February. Until we know more about these and other Winona Christ related stories, remember to do good things in our world for Winona Ryder might be watching you… just as we at Winona Watch are watching her. See you in March, believers.
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