The 2007 Poobie Awards!

It's that time of the year again. Time for the film industry to suck on each other's proverbial dongs and give us the Academy Awards ceremony. On Monday, the nominations were announced – which seems to get more ceremonial than the actual show as the years go by. Don't worry, I won't bore you with who was nominated and who I think will or should win. Instead you get the Poobies. Yes, the Poobies. Stop that obnoxious laughing! This is serious, people! The Poobies are my own special award presentations to the world of film.

With that said, let's get down to business…

BEST ADAM'S APPLE ON A WOMAN –

WINNER: SANDRA BULLOCK

This wasn't a hard decision to make. Sure, I could've gone for a hermie or a post-op, but it seemed fair to give this award to an actual woman (at least from what we know). Sandra has been taking this award quite frequently since the beginning of her career and from the looks of that gigantic man-gullet will continue to do so for years to come.

BEST ACTOR PLAYING A DEAD PERSON –

WINNER: JACK PALANCE

He's currently dead, but we at the Poobies know better! We know he's just joshin' us. That's how good this fella is! I mean, come on, he was Curly in City Slickers! Other nominees in this category were Bruno Kirby (coincidentally, also in City Slickers) and Chris Penn (from Reservoir Dogs). Those guys are also very good at pretending their six feet under. Well done, gentlemen.

BEST LEFTIE PROPAGANDA THAT SAYS IT'S A FILM –

WINNER: AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

How dare Al Gore give us facts and figures! How dare he spread all his scientific accuracy! Who does he think he is — a guy who's been researching and dealing with this issue for 20 years?! GAH, I say.

GAH.

THE "LOOK, WE'VE GOT A CHICK ACTION STAR, THIS MUST BE COOL!" AWARD –

WINNER (tie): AEON FLUX and ULTRAVIOLET

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Blood Rayne should be tied as well. That's a nice thought, if Blood Rayne were an actual movie. Not to say Aeon Flux or UltraViolet are good films, because they really, really aren't, but they are films. Blood Rayne is an abortion of epic proportions. Actually, now that I think of it, maybe it should've won the whole thing. Oh well.

THE "STOP MAKING JAPANESE HORROR REMAKES!" AWARD –

WINNER: THE GRUDGE 2

Also in the running was "Pulse", but that had Veronica Mars in it, so we'll blast Joan of Arcadia instead. Have any of these films been any sort of good? If you answered yes, I should pee on you. The original japanese versions aren't even good. As Eric once told me, "It appears the Japanese are scared of the color blue, and that's about it." You can't really disagree with that.

BEST FILM EXPLOITING THE VICTIMS OF 9/11 –

WINNER: WORLD TRADE CENTER

United 93 would've taken it to a tie, except that it at least gave *some* of the proceeds to charity. Oliver Stone, on the other hand gave us a hammy, over-the-top, pile of trash that most douchebags called a great film. Hey, they could've made this entirely fictional with almost the exact same storyline and I'd be cool with it, but it's only been 5 years since the attack. Did we really need to be reminded about it? No. And did we really need to see Nick Cage try to pull off a mustache? I think not.

 THE "WE DON'T NEED TO SEE A FIFTY-YEAR OLD COOCH" AWARD –

WINNER: SHARON STONE in BASIC INSTINCT 2

At least we didn't get flashed this time. We got everything else except that. The point is, Sharon, you're entirely too old for any of us to think that your sex scenes are hot. Please stop. Do some ben-gay or depends commercials. Keep your pants on.

FUNNIEST FILM TRAILER THAT WASN'T MEANT TO BE FUNNY AWARD –

WINNER: THE GUARDIAN

Kevin Costner – check. Ashton Kutcher – check. Song by Snow Patrol – check. Heavy-handed dramatic clips – check. You put them all together and what do you get? A tummy ache from laughing so hard. We all saw this trailer in a theatre and I swear to God, all of us laughed. It was bloody brilliant. I haven't even seen the film yet, because I'm not sure it can deliver the laughs that the trailer did.

BEST DIRECTOR AT MAKING SUPERHEROES PANSIES –

WINNER: BRYAN SINGER

He did it in X-Men 2 when everybody started talking about their feelings. He did it again this last year when Superman got all mopey and emo'ish. Don't even get me started on the "S" symbol on his chest being way too small and understated. This guy keeps making our favorite heroes become less than, because he thinks everybody needs a hug. It makes sense for Sam Raimi to do this to Peter Parker in Spiderman because his character has always been a sheep'ish introvert. But Wolverine? Iceman? Superman? Come on now. Someone needs to hug Singer's face with their fist.

THE "WORLD IS ENDING" AWARD –

WINNER: JACK ASS NUMBER TWO

Ebert and Roeper gave it "two thumbs up". It took in more than $72 million at the box office. If that isn't enough for you to know for sure that the world is ending, I don't know how much more clear it can get.

BEST ACTRESS WHO LOVES GEEKS AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY –

WINNER: ROSARIO DAWSON

She was in Clerks 2. She was in Sin City, and she'll be in Sin City 2 and Grindhouse. She goes to conventions, she loves fans, and she has pronounced herself on several occasions as being a geek. She is our Goddess, and can do no wrong. If Ms. Dawson ever needed an army to destroy a country, she would have one. Sure, it would be a bunch of pale guys in nintendo t-shirts, but still…an army.

Part 2 of the Poobies is coming soon. Join me again as we continue the ceremony, or don't…I don't care, I'm still posting it, meanie-head.