The Bitch is Back! — “You’re Welcome” : The Rant

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Warning: Spoilerish to the amount of 10.

DISCLAIMER: This week’s edition has adult situations, language that may not be suitable for everyone, and is intended for mature audiences only.
*We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming with a press conference from El Presidente,
Eric Hendrix!*

Eric: *Steps up to the podium* As many of you may know, I have a strong opinion about many things…Bangel, football *snicker*, Wes and Fred, Richard Grieco, etc…

And you also may know that the strong opinion I possess is the pure seething hate that I have for Cordelia after viewing Season 4.

I have called this press confrence to anounce that…….

I RENOUNCE my hate for Cordelia Chase and welcome the character back into my heart.

*flashbubs pop from the many cameras in the room*

*Yes-man steps to the mic*

Yes-Man: *speaks quickly* This in no way changes his feeling for Carisma Carpenter, despite the fling they had last April.

Bob: Mr. Hendrix, Bob Buttblow from The New York Times…..why did you change your mind so suddenly? Won’t this hurt your credibility as El Presidente?

Eric: After last night’s episode, I saw redemption for the beloved character. She warmed my heart, not unlike the Grinch at the end of the Dr. Seuss epic. And to answer your other question. *Eric nods….a sniper shoots Bob*

Eric: Never question my credibility! Next question…

Jack: I’m Jack Meoff from the Boston Herald….Mr. Hendrix, what about you and Mr. Lee’s avatar war? Will that come to an end now?

Eric: Yes, the great Avatar/Siggy war of 2003 – 2004 has now come to an end, we will declare it a draw due to my change of opinion, as a matter of fact we just inked a deal with the history channel for an exclusive documentary about this epic battle.

Jack: But it would appear then that Matt won fairly? He never changed his opinion…you did…

Eric: Well Umm, *snaps fingers, Jack is shot* At least I am not at home crying, eating bon-bons and watching Oprah…

*cut to Matt in an apartment eating bons-bons and watching the press conference, in the dark, with a blanket over his legs*

Matt: *crying* SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! *sinks head* I missed Oprah for this!

*cut back to press confrenece*

Eric: I really must be going. If anyone else has any more questions my new assistant Harmony can answer them in my absence. *Turns to Harmony* If anyone asks another question…EAT THEM. *Eric Leaves for Matt’s apartment*

Harmony: You? Do you have a question?

Jack: No ma’am! *runs away screaming*

*cut to the apartment*

*Matt’s still crying like a bitch on the couch, as Eric walks in and sees him…*

Eric: Come here My little Mattie. It’s ok. *pats Matt on the head*

Matt: No it isn’t! He killed her! He just killed her off! Where are we gonna get our big juggs fix on Angel? FROM FRED? FROM EVE? C’mon!

Eric: No he didnt, they cut off Spike’s hands, remember…?

Matt: What are you talking about?

*Yes man walks in*

Yes-Man: Due to your diminished mental state, our workmans comp ensures they will not allow Eric to speak of “You’re Welcome”. Thus we have erased the episode from his brain until you are better – i.e – not a cost risk.

Matt: That doesn’t work for me! I have to RANT about this episode! That’s what the column is about, JAYBRONE!

I’m fine, I’m fine….must….calm down.

*Men from Normal Again walk in*

Yes-man: If not there is an alternative…

Matt: No, No….I’m fine….I’m fine….I’m ok!

*Men leave, looking sad and lonely*

Men: Oh well, back to SMG’s imagination…

Yes-man: If you are indeed fine please sign the following release…

Matt: *signing release* What’s this for?

Yes-man: Nothing. *Bursts into red firey flames*

Matt: That can’t be good.

*A $100 bill floats down from the air. Eric sniffs the air and then grabs and hugs the bill. After he does, he grabs his head. “You’re Welcome” flashes back into his head – Season 1 vision style.*

Matt: Cool….Angel style cuts. Greenwalt must be directing today’s rant.

Eric: *Panting* Ok…I’m ready, and I think that Otts is about to get mugged…

Matt: We have no time to help the helpless…we have to rant!

Eric: Fine. *Replaces Wes-like stubble with his normal beard*

Matt: *Replaces Fred panties and makeup with Matt panties and makeup*

Ok…where to begin…oh right, CORDELIA!

Eric: Yes…our dear Cordy.

Matt: Oh how I missed Cordy! And I was right…wasn’t I? Huh? WASN’T I?

Eric: Kinda.

Matt: Come on now!

Eric: You were right about Cordy.

Matt: Thank You.

Eric: Seeing her again removed the Connor nasties.

*Matt plays “We are The Champions”*

Matt: Ok…sorry…where was I? Right…Cordelia. What a breath of fresh air in a series that didn’t feel like the same series we’ve been watching for so long this season. There have been pieces here and there…but last night felt like a whole one….

….And lest we not forget the unbuttoned shirts.

Eric: Unbuttoned shirts *Drools Homer-style*

Eric: I still dislike Charisma.

Matt: Your distaste for Charisma should be contained within your bowels where it belongs.

Eric: Oh, like David Boreonez’s you know what in your you know where.

Matt: What about the abrupt (or so it would appear) ending of Lindsey?

Eric: The Lindsey thing ended too soon, but I soooooo want those tats. You know, if they worked.

Matt: Right…But I don’t think this is the end of Lindsey (and unforunently) Eve. If Eve does come back, I hope she pops back up and Harmony eats her as soon as she does.

Eric: That would be too funny…”Boss, I saw her move”.

Matt: Something is wrong with this picture: Spike playing old Donkey Kong on X-Box!

Eric: Well, it’s an Atari property.

Matt: I understand that….but has David Fury not played a video game in 15 years?

Eric: Well, no, I guess not. He should have been playing Halo.

Matt: Crying moment #1 of the night: Cordy and Angel watch Doyle on video tape.

Eric: Oh yeah…beautiful scene.

Matt: I think I wanted to jump out a window, it was that sad. It was so depressing because Glenn Quinn is taking a dirt nap, and doesn’t it seem inappropriate to use the character like they have this season, considering they obviously didn’t like the actor when he left?

Matt: I mean, hey, that’s just me ranting….I guess I shouldn’t be doing that here.

Eric: No i dont think they disliked him, he just had a drug problem.

Matt: Ok…well, I’m sorry….one summer I worked for the NY Times.

Eric: Oh, I see. That explains your articles.

Matt: Yeah, Bob Buttblow was a good friend of mine. Thanks for shooting my mentor, asshole.

Eric: I am your mentor now, bitch.

Matt: If you’re my mentor, I’m in serious trouble.

Eric: Yes, you are. If I would’ve known who he was, I would have let Harm eat him. Does that make it better?

Matt: He ate my sandwichs out of the company fridge all the time anyway. All is forgiven.

*Hugs*

Eric: Did you jusy grab my ass?

Matt: Sorry…I got excited.

Eric: Just because I killed your “Mentor” doesn’t mean you can do that with me.

Matt: Alright….party pooper.

Eric: Matt….hands!

Matt: FINE!

Matt: The fight between Lindsey and Angel….a beating with strings. Was that a little over-produced for your taste? For a second there I was whisked away to the Matrix.

Eric: No, I liked it. They never do the jumping stuff.

Matt: True. I’ll let it slide this time. But why do they use magick so often to get a storyline across?

Eric: They do it because we are in a world of magick, dumbass. Because it’s easy, people go the easy route.

Matt: I remember a time when these writers didn’t go easy. And I had to walk in 3 feet of snow to get to school.

Eric: No, the characters go the easy route, the writers are just being true to the characters.

Matt: And now we come to the ending…

Lorne’s pee-pee pants.

Eric: What about that look from Fred to Wes? *steam comes out of ear* Hubba, hubba.

Matt: Yeah….why don’t they go to the janitor’s closet and get to making with the love. That’s what I call romance. Nothing like the smell of clorox to get you in the mood.

Eric: I wish they would, on Ten, the adult entertainment channel.

Matt: We don’t need to get into your subscription to porn. That’s for the pro-porn column.

Eric: Not mine…it is Jennifer’s subscription. She hasnt left the couch for a week.

Matt: Ok…so Cordy’s dead.

Eric: I like to think of her as returning to higher being status…not dead.

Matt: Not dead? What do you mean “not dead”? She died. Cordelia died, and…and….*begins to cry again* Damn you, Joss! Damn you straight to hell! She’s dead.

Eric: Please stop crying before they neurolize me again.

Matt: Ah, I forgot man….sorry. If you’re neurolized, who’s gonna pay my bills?

Eric: No one, cause Jennifer doesn’t like you, because of that whole bootleg dvd thing.

Matt: Yeah, let’s not get into that again.

Eric: The last thing I need is Will Smith hitting on me again.

Matt: On that note, it’s time for the all in alls…

Eric: All in all, this episode was the second best of the season, right behind “Lineage”. I give it a 9.8. I loved seeing Cordy again, Lorne pee, Harmony Torture and Fred lust for Wes.

Matt: All in all, I’m the winner of the “Cordy isn’t a heinous bitch” contest, and I give it a 9.7. It’s the 3rd best episode of the season, behind “Lineage” and “Damage”. I loved being right, Cordy being there, everything Eric said….

Eric: *Has sniper aimed at Matt* We agreed on a draw.

Matt: ….and it was a draw.

See you next week!

Eric’s rating: 9.8
Matt’s rating: 9.7
Overall: 9.75