The Weekend Replay

Welcome to Monday, slackers.

A lot of people think of Monday as the first day of the week. However, those people are heathens who don’t believe in God and will burn in hell for the error of their ways. But for those of us who know better and happened to miss the news stories over the course of our weekend, here’s a rundown on the top info-items you need to know but were too lazy to find out for yourselves.

Former papa of the Mamas and the Papas, Dennis Doherty, passed away early in the weekend. The news hit close to home for us at the Locker Room as I, myself, was once member to an elite group of lip synchers who performed live as the Mamas and the Papas throughout our high school careers. Doherty’s death, however, leaves the M’s and the P’s with only one surviving member, often referred to as, “No, not Mama Cass. The other female in the group. No, the skinny blonde one.” Well, the skinny blonde one wrote a book about her experiences with the group and published it a few years ago. Those wanting to know more on the life and times of these musical pioneers should check that out. Those not wishing to do so, should perhaps not. Either way, Dennis gave to the group a distinguishing voice and a love for his songs, both of which were hard to miss in all of the group’s performances. Like Cass and John, he will be missed.

In other sad news, Hilary Clinton announced her plans to announce an announcement sometime in the future that she may or may not directly wish to announce her bid for a possible presidency in the 2008 presidential race, thus making her the front runner against Obama and Edwards. On Saturday morning, as we innocent bystanders awoke to the world we once knew, we found that Hilary’s website had uploaded a video of the former first lady claiming she wanted to be president of the United States. Since the democrats needed a third stooge to round off their starting line-up, it appears that mission has been accomplished. When questioned, Hilary made random condemning remarks about the video game industry and then claimed she wasn’t a communist despite what an apparently fabricated Senate voting record seems to indicate. In a surprise twist, Hilary made it clear she wished not to use her husband to gain votes. Really? Not use the one democrat who makes all democrats sallivate like 50's school girls at Elvis concerts? That's brilliant! I believe Al Gore had that same philosophy.

In more heated news, Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump continue to take cheap shots at one another. Since Rosie is a communist leftwing nutcase whose only redeeming quality is being friends with Madonna and Donald is a stuck-up pervert with delusions of being a millionaire, we refuse to give support to either party. And due to the fact Rosie typically labels those she doesn’t like as homophobes, we don’t want to be associated with those who hate gay freedom. This could very soon turn into the lamest public display of morons in the history of washed-out celebrity wars. I only bring this up, in fact, so that I may devote a small amount of space to write a love letter to wife of New York Giants backup quarterback Tim Hasselbeck and Rosie’s co-host from The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Elisabeth, I know we don’t know each other, but you are the light of my life. I often times dream of us lying together on a beach in San Juana, sipping martini glasses and laughing at the funny creatures who inhabit our neighbor, the sea. While we blast the liberal left and make wild monkey love upon a sandy plateau in Topeka, Kansas, we will be joined by a string quartet playing one of my favorite Spanish waltz’s, “Por Una Cabeza.” And while the song might be more related to a horse trailing behind in a race where losing means being put to sleep, I often find it as a beautiful sonata and microcosm for our fictional lives together which I re-enact at night sometimes using Barbie dolls and a miniature surf-shop set I bought at Toys ‘R’ Us. I hope you don’t mind.

In a related story, Michael Keaton was reportedly seen in a movie theatre this past weekend. Those close to the actor claim that he scares the ever-loving shit out of them whenever he looks their way. The report comes at a time when many believed Keaton to have been killed years ago due to traumatic experiences he suffered at the hands of former Beetle Juice co-star, Alec Baldwin. Currently, however, Keaton’s sighting remains to be unconfirmed, though we will give more details as we hear about them in regards to this stunning turn of events here at the office while playing spitball with our interns.

Finally in the news, the Bears and the Colts have been booked as the official talent line-up for this year’s Super Bowl bash in Florida. Those close to the claim say that this had something to do with a set of games the two teams allegedly played to qualify for their big sporting event. Others speculate this was done to give airtime for the network in between showing off new commercials. Either way, people can expect the typical super bowl happenings this year. There will, after all, allegedly be a football game played along with a halftime show.

Those are the stories you needed to know. For the rest of the news, try a newspaper.