Winona Wednesday: Announcement of the Anti-Christ and Winona educates us about the Ten Commandments!

A lot of Winona Watchers have been emailing us this week with questions regarding the alleged announcement by Scientology leaders that Tom Cruise is the new messiah. While we typically don’t comment on tabloid journalism due to our superior research techniques, this just goes to show the world how anxious the citizens of our globe are for a celebrity Christ. And fortunately for them… one has already been found. Her name? Winona Ryder. This is Winona Watch for January 31, 2007.

It’s the end of the month which saw the birth of Winona Watch and Winona Wednesday… our very own weekly up-to-date information center for all things allegedly Christ-like about Winona Ryder. So it comes as no surprise to us that at the close of this month, in our final entry for the January 2007 term, we find the tabloids are crying for a new Christ.

But Tom Cruise? Is he worthy of that title? He’s a handsome man, to be sure, who somewhat resembles Jesus in his physical form through the movie “The Last Samurai.” But let’s go back to the beginning, shall we? We stated earlier this month that one cannot simply draw names out of a hat to determine who Christ is… yet that is precisely what the tabloids are attempting to do.

And draw a name they have. Tom Cruise… a public figure under scrutiny by the world at large. But is that a requirement to be Christ? Is that the have-all, be-all? If so, I’m surprised they didn’t realize that Winona Ryder fit that bill long before Tom took to jumping couches. And let’s be honest… there’s something sinister about Cruise’s laugh. Something that requires us to think of it more as a cackle. A cackle which, to any untrained ear, would resemble the chuckling nature of an Anti-Christ rather than the nurturing, friendly giggle of the Christ. And what do we know about the Anti-Christ? He will come to the Earth to lead us away from Winona Ryder. And now that he’s garnered the support of the tabloid media, it seems that that is precisely what he will attempt to accomplish.

To the world at large, I beg you to think about this. Why would this be happening if not for an ensured spiritual war on the rise? Tom Cruise, who has become the sex icon for a heathen religion, is now attempting to take away the sheep from Winona’s flock. But do not be misled by Jerry McGuire. Rather take this as an opportunity to embrace Winona Ryder as your lord and savior and do great works to help advance her career so that she might use her career to better help us in learning about her. Haven’t you ever heard of planting the seed? It’s time to pick a side, religious followers of the world. We are officially at war. The Anti-Christ has been found. His name? Tom Cruise.

And that leads us to today’s second top story.

It seems the big pick for this week came as Winona Ryder was promoting her new film, The Ten, which incidentally isn’t a prequel to Ocean’s Eleven but is rather an opportunity for Ryder to educate the world around her about the Ten Commandments. Hm… isn’t that interesting? Why would Winona Ryder be so concerned about the world’s knowledge on the Ten Commandments? Has Tom Cruise ever taken to do anything this Christ-like? We think not.

That’s right, believers. You guessed it. This could very well be more evidence that Ryder is the Christ, chosen to educate the world around her about her spiritual laws. But don’t take our word for it. We would never expect you to simply mindlessly follow a belief without investigating it fully for yourself. So as always, consider these words that our very own living celebrity deity spoke to the press just a few short days ago…

In Winona’s own words, the film is “outrageous but it actually does educate you about the Commandments.”

Interesting choice of words, isn’t it? Can anyone offer any plausible explanation for why Winona Ryder would be so concerned about this issue if she wasn’t the Christ?

Anyone?

No?

We didn’t think so.

But it’s not just the fact Winona is doing this to strengthen our ties to her… it’s also the way in which she is choosing to do so that seems to draw the most interest by Winona Watch this week. She’s electing to perform in a comedic short to detail one of her Commandments… a Commandment she may or may not have given us oh so long ago. Comedy to teach religion? In our Bibles, we find that Jesus once used comedy, as well, to educate the world at large. Strange coincidence, isn’t it?

Some might be baffled, however, by the scene Winona has elected to educate us in. Within her scene, she makes love to a dummy. That's right. A full on sex scene with a dummy. While we aren’t entirely sure which Commandment this will be entailing, it does leave us much time to ponder the subject and investigate it farther. After all, what might this mean? What clues might this shed toward her being divine?

To be honest, we have no idea. But that’s why there are experts in deciphering such hidden messages. If the Lord didn’t work in mysterious ways, why would there be a need to examine her every week at this website? That’s right, believers. There wouldn’t be. And that means there is more to this subject than meets the eye.

Next week we plan to interview one such an expert for our Winona Wednesday coverage. Hopefully this expert will be able to shed new light on what dummy sex means in the big picture of all things holy and spiritual. And in some way, even if only in the smallest of ways, perhaps this will aid in our search for just how relevant Winona Ryder's links are to being truly divine.

Until then, remember to do good things, for Winona Ryder is watching you… just like we at Winona Watch are watching her. See you next time, believers.