Winona Wednesday: Winona Valentine’s Day?

According to CelebMatch.com, the coach is considered to be 92% compatible with our lord and savior. Clearly there’s a room for error of plus/minus 20 percent, but it was a nice effort on the site's part, none-the-less. Don’t you wish you were grade-A spiritual material, too? Take the test that qualifies you for eternal salvation. Remember… if you don’t score above 85%, you’re probably going to burn in hell. Wouldn’t you rather know now rather than later?

For those who believe and those who simply can't live without their faith, this is Winona Watch for February 14, 2007!

The big story today is sadly that there is no story. Not because Winona isn’t doing great things out in her world, but rather because our staff gets lazy around the holidays. Speaking of which, a very happy Anti-Single People’s Day from all of us at Winona Watch and Winona Wednesday to you, the faithful believers in all her great works. A lot of Winona Watchers are now racing to the florist to find what little scraps are left to offer their loved one for the holiday season. The smart ladies of the world read The Locker Room this week, so they were all set. But as for the fellas… you guys are falling behind.

But when you come down to it, why celebrate? After all, Winona Christ doesn’t seem to give much focus of her own life to the idea of couplings. Should we really be so concerned about it, ourselves? Maybe not. Maybe so. Since I don’t have our staff researchers on hand, I’m afraid I can’t answer that question. Or any question, for that matter. So therefore, allow me to redirect for a moment and explain a few items of significance for this holiday season as it pertains to our lord and savior.

This year, the wife and I decided to drop the kids off and head to one of our favorite Italian restaurants. I won’t give the name away for fear of being stalked, but I will give a hint that the food is great there, though the service is usually pretty poor. Know what it is? I thought so.

I know, I know. What does this sidenote have to do with Winona, right? Well, this year for Valentine’s Day I decided to dress as Beetlegeuse to commemorate the parable of the same name. Winona taught us that evil can exist in the form of a demented, undead Michael Keaton… yet can somehow be forgiven for a cartoon series.

Regardless, the parable can be enlisted as a way of bringing religion back into the holiday season. Consider it a way to bless an otherwise useless, godless pagan following. Should we worship cupid? No. We should worship Winona and only Winona. Therefore, any holiday we celebrate must clearly confine itself to her and her alone. This is important above all things. Never forget that in the end of days we will have to each answer for how we spent every second of our lives.

Therefore, to help you all out, I have a few suggestions on how you can still please your significant other yet also bring religion back into this borderline satanic holiday.

Consider, for instance, that the Pittsburgh Tribune recently released a review of holiday DVDs appropriate for the season toward your viewing pleasure. They listed none other than “Heathers” as a leading DVD to watch for Valentine’s Day. Good thinking on Pittsburgh’s part and a great way for you, as a believer, to celebrate the day with both your lover and your lord. Pagan candy might displease Winona… but watching one of her greatest parables is sure to grant you forgiveness. Another idea for you and your lover to consider would be to dress as characters from famous Winona parables, like myself and the wife decided to do. Sometimes people will stare at you, sure, but that just goes to show you how we are under attack by heathens who don’t understand our love for the holy spirit.

Point being… have fun this year, but keep it spiritual. Pretty much common sense, right? I’m sure you’re all employing Winona into your holiday plans, anyhow. Just posting this here for any heathens who happened to stumble in this season. We get a lot of those on the holidays.

Anyway, I sadly have to say that that is all from us this week. Next week we’ll hopefully give you some information on what Winona’s announcement of “The Last Word” might mean. A sign of using the term “Word” to describe the Bible as the “last” and therefore final implementation of Winona's spiritual laws? Considering how some of us were questioning that element last week, it could be a sign that Winona is trying to set the record straight. We’ll try to learn more in the days to come. For those unaware, the new parable was recently announced and will co-star Wes Bentley along with Ray Romano. Could it be glorious? Likely yes. But we’ll have to wait until we investigate farther to find out for sure.

Until then, as always, remember to do good, spiritual things during this holiday season because Winona Ryder might be watching you… just as we at Winona Watch are watching her. Keep the faith, believers.