The 2007 Poobie Awards! (Part 2)
BEST PORTRAYAL OF AN INANIMATE OBJECT –
WINNER: JESSICA SIMPSON
Her boots may have been made for walking, but her acting wasn't made for human eyeballs. To say ol' Jess is stiffer than a 14 year old boy at a Hooters birthday party would be putting it nicely. If you could simply retire from acting, that would be great.
While you're at it, take Dane Cook with you.
THE "YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE" AWARD –
WINNER: JOHNNY KNOXVILLE in THE RINGER
Either Johnny is the greatest actor of our generation, or he's completely and utterly swimming in the shallow end of the pool, if you catch what I'm saying. Considering a turd in a sweater vest has more acting prowess, I'll go with the later, and say Mr. Knoxville you are quite special indeed.
THE WANNA-BE HARRY POTTER/LORD OF THE RINGS AWARD –
Dragons. Knights. Swords. Fire. Kids. Old British Guys. Need I go on? The difference between Eragon and the great films it emulates is that it isn't a great film. It isn't even a good film, or an okay film. It's a piece of dragon dung cooked on a hot stove and served to the viewing public so that we may become sick and throw up on our nice clean pants.
THE "WHEN WILL THEY STOP HANDING YOU SCRIPTS?" AWARD –
WINNER: TIM ALLEN
The only film any of us remember Tim Allen being in that we liked was Galaxy Quest. It wasn't really Tim that made that film, and it hasn't been Tim that's made any film since. Why Hollywood continues to give this guy money for his "acting" is beyond us. So this award, Tim, is without a doubt yours.
BEST COMEDY –
WINNER: THE BLACK DAHLIA
Murder, intrigue, and someone still thinking Josh Hartnett is a leading man. The funniest of the funny. Plus, you can't go wrong with dressing guys up in skirts like Brian De Palma did with Hillary Swank. Don't tell me Hillary Swank is a woman. I don't buy it and neither should you, kool aid drinker. Plus "You look just like that dead girl!"
BEST GAY CHARACTER IN A FILM –
WINNER: SUPERMAN in SUPERMAN RETURNS
It's not the tights. It's not the smaller than normal "S" symbol on his chest. It's not even the fact that he mopes about on rooftops for over half the movie. It's all of the above, add Bryan Singer and a dash of "why is he attracted to THAT Lois Lane?!" and you figure in this re-telling of the story Superman is apparently gay. Which is fine, it would just be nice to get a heads up is all.
THE "I THOUGHT BEN AFFLECK WAS DEAD" AWARD –
WINNER: BEN AFFLECK in HOLLYWOODLAND
Seriously, I swear I saw his tombstone. "Here lies the less talented one from Good Will Hunting. Married to that chick with a massive forehead and almost married to the chick underneath whose ass you could hide from sun. Best known for his relationships, which says much about his acting career, Ben would like you to recognize that he was thought of as an actor at some point, although he can't remember when." Damn, his tombstone was long-winded.
THE "IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE KILLED CYCLOPS" AWARD –
WINNER: BRETT RATNER, director
Thanks Brett. We really, really appreciate it.
Logan does too. Probably Jean Grey, but she won't admit it.
BEST REASON TO BREAK-UP WITH SOMEONE AWARD –
WINNER: Anyone who made you pay to see THE BREAK-UP.
Breaking up with said person would be letting them off easy. I really wouldn't rule out murder. Why Vince, why? In my little group you were known as Vince "Mac Daddy" Vaughn. What the hell happened, man? You know what, I'll let this one slide….but only once! Owen got the same treatment for "You, Me & Dupree", so it's only fair you get one more shot as well.
BEST HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP –
WINNER: KEANU REEVES AND SANDRA BULLOCK in THE LAKE HOUSE
As Ted Theodore Logan looked at her Adam's apple, he said "Whoa" and then they kissed. From there, it was off to San Francisco and a justice of the peace. This only goes to show you that you can find true love in many ways, even where you least expect it. We wish you two young gentlemen all the bliss in this crazy world.
Or as Bill would put it, "Be excellent to each other."
THE "WHY THE HELL ISN'T THIS GUY IN EVERYTHING" AWARD –
WINNER: RYAN REYNOLDS
He's always in the crappiest movies, and yet he's the only part that's good about them. Either he's a complete lime-light stealer, or he's just the bad ass best. We'll pretend however that he's not with Alanis Morrisette.
Call me, Ryan. *wink*
And now the rest of the awards in short form…*drumroll*
THE BEST CARTOON SOOO NOT FOR KIDS: A Scanner Darkly
THE STOP USING SLOGANS FOR MOVIE TITLES AWARD:(tie) "Thank You For Smoking" and "This Film is Not Yet Rated"
BEST MOVIE JUST TO HEAR THE WORDS "MOTHER FUCKING": "Snakes on a Plane"
THE "THIS LOOKS LIKE MTV'S LAGUANA BEACH, WHY THE HELL WAS IT IN THEATRES?" AWARD: "The Covenant"
BEST LOOKING FLAT-CHESTED PIRATE: (tie) Johnny Depp and Kira Knightly in "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
BEST REASON TO STOP CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS AWARD: Deck The Halls
THE "GET OFF MY PLANE!" AWARD: Harrison Ford in "Firewall' and everything else the last 20 years.
THE WORST BOOK-to-MOVIE ADAPTATION: "Snakes on a Plane", from "The Grapes of Wrath"
THE "I WOULDN'T CHEAT ON MY FIANCEE WITH THIS CHICK IF I WAS USING SOMEONE ELSE'S DICK" AWARD: Rachel Bilson in "The Last Kiss"
BEST ACTOR IN A REAL LIFE PORTRAYAL: Marlon Wayans in "Little Man"
THE "I'M SO LAZY, I'LL JUST USE THE SAME ACTORS FROM MY LAST FILM" AWARD: Christopher Nolan – "The Prestige"
THE SINEAD O' CONNOR AWARD: Natalie Portman in "V For Vendetta"
BEST LEADING MAN: Hillary Swank
SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE, ASIANS CAN'T DRIVE! AWARD: "The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift"
THE "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SUPERMAN? NOW HE'S AFRAID OF CLOUDS?" AWARD: Tom Welling in "The Fog"
THE 270,000TH REHASH OF ANIMAL HOUSE AWARD: "Accepted"
MY DADDY GAVE ME THIS AWARD, JUST LIKE HE GAVE ME A CAREER – AWARD: Sophia Coppola
BEST FAKE CASTRATION: "Hard Candy"
BEST REAL CASTRATION: Watching "The Lake House"
I hope you've enjoyed this spectacular awards show. Don't worry, just like with the award show season on television that never seems to end, we'll have our very own T.V awards, and maybe even music too sometime in the near future. Until then, this your commander saying thanks for reading THE POOBIES!